We join the Doctor and his companions Sarah Jane Smith and Jack Harkness on the planet Gouinia, where the story is already in progress.
Sarah Jane and Jack have recently rejoined the TARDIS crew after a rather embarrassing adventure that the Doctor doesn't want to talk about.
Jack on the other hand is working on the book.
They are walking, when the Doctor stops suddenly, seems to be listening for something. "The grass is talking." He gets down on his knees, puts his ear to the ground.
Sarah sighs. "Doctor, how can the grass be talking? I don't hear anything."
"Shhh. Of course you don't, you keep talking over it." He waves a hand at her before he leans down farther.
Sarah looks at the Doctor then at Jack. She mutters something under her breath and tries to be patient.
"You look great when you’re annoyed." Jack tells Sarah, smiling widely at her.
Sarah ignores Jack. "Doctor, what is the grass saying?"
The Doctor seems too preoccupied to answer. Jack nods his head towards the grass.
"You should lean down. See if you can tell."
She looks at him suspiciously. "You want to check out my arse."
He leans forward. "I'd let you return the favor."
"I'll bet you would." Sarah folds her arms and tries to look disinterested.
The Doctor jerks his head up and sits looking dazed at him two companions.
While the Doctor often sits looking dazed at Sarah Jane and Jack, this was a different sort of dazed.
"So what did the grass have to say?" Jack asks. "It's been a little windy? Could you please stop stepping on me?"
"That would be novel, the grass saying please stay off the grass." Sarah laughs.
The Doctor blinks at Jack and says something in alien tongue.
Jack looks confused. "I thought the TARDIS took care of that. Doesn't it?" He turns to Sarah. "Is that grass language? Can the TARDIS not speak grass language?"
"How should I know? We never went anywhere with talking grass the last time. The TARIDS should translate any alien language. It's had trouble with written language before but," Sarah frowns. "Doctor, are you alright?"
The Doctor climbs to his feet. "No. I'm a fucking Time Lord."
"So he's not alright because he's a Time Lord?" Jack moves in a circle around the Doctor. "How does that work? What can we do about that?"
If looks could kill, Jack would have been imitating the nice pile of ashes he'd once made. "Doctor, what wrong? Something to do with time?"
The Doctor shook his head. "TARDIS."
"Let's get him back to the TARDIS." Sarah tells Jack, taking the Doctor's hand.
Jack trails behind, tilting his head just a little. He shrugs before he pulls one of the Doctor's arms over his shoulder. "It would have been better if you'd bent down."
"Oh shut up." Sarah fumes.
"I'm a fucking time lord." The Doctor tells Jack.
"Now when you say that, do you mean you are a fucking time lord, or do you mean you are a time lord who doesn't mind a bit of action every now and then?" Jack frowns in concentration. "Is that unusual for Time Lords?"
Sarah pulls the key out of her pocket at opens to the TARDIS door. "Jack, is this really the time to be asking that?"
"It's important. He's trying to tell us something," Jack replies.
"How is him repeating saying he's a fucking time lord trying to tell us something?" Sarah pokes Jack in the chest with her free hand.
"No, I'm a fucking time lord." The Doctor says almost cheerfully and starts molesting the TARDIS console.
"Maybe to fix the TARDIS, we'll have to help him perform certain functions..." Jack suggests, watching him as if mesmerized. "Though I think that answers our question about which he meant."
"JACK!" Sarah looks around for something with which to hit Jack. "It's not all about sex you know."
"And sometimes it is." Jack grabs Sarah and turns her towards the Doctor. "Look at him. Look at him." The Doctor is licking along the border of the console.
Sarah mouth falls open. "He's never done that before."
"That you know of." Jack grins before he starts forward and leans down next to the Doctor. "What do we need to do?"
"He had better things to lick when I traveled with him." Sarah mutters.
Jack turns back, and his eyes linger over her for a minute. "I'm sure he did."
Sarah turns a shade of pink. "Look he's rubbing his ear. Maybe something wrong with his ear? In his ear?"
"Maybe it just itches. He only did it once. Now he's back to the licking." Jack walks over and licks the TARDIS. "It's a bit... metallic."
Sarah palms her face. "Not even Harry was this bad." She tells her hand. "Jack, maybe whatever he needs has to do with his ear and licking?"
"You want me to lick his ear?" Jack turns to look at her. "You know, Sarah, you say one thing, but..."
"Jack, will you please focus." Sarah begs.
"Yes, I'm a fucking Time Lord." The Doctor says to no one in particular.
"Yes you are," Jack says before he carefully licks at the Doctor's ear. "Doing anything for you yet?" he asks Sarah.
"I'd hurt you, Jack, but I think you'd like it." Sarah sighs, shaking her head.
The Doctor convulses and jerks his head violently. Something white pours from his ear onto the ground.
Jack backs away. "That is wrong in so many ways."
Sarah puts her hand over her mouth. "I have to agree with you."
"That certainly feels better,” the Doctor says, straightening up.
The white goo starts to take shape into a ball and rolls towards the Doctor's foot.
"Doctor, look out its --" Sarah calls out.
He lifts it from there ground. "There you are. Like to cause a bit of trouble, don't you? Sarah, do you know where I've been keeping my jelly babies?" The Doctor pats his pockets. "I don't seem to keep them on me anymore."
Sarah blinks rapidly. "You haven't been eating them much, but I think there are some in the pantry."
"Ah yes, the pantry. Would you mind fetching me a few?" He sets the ball down on the console and stares at it.
Looking rather confused Sarah goes to fetch the jelly babies. She quickly brings back the white bag full of jelly babies. "Here they are Doctor."
"Ah, thank you." He presses one into the ball of goo before he pops one in his mouth. The Doctor holds the bag back, "Would you like one?"
"Yes, please." Sarah says taking one. "Doctor?"
Sarah puts on her best, 'Doctor, I'm asking a very important question face.' "Doctor, what is that, and why are you feeding it jelly babies."
"It's a Gouinian. It needs gelatin to form a physical body. Don't you little fella? Yes, you do." He rubs it with one finger.
Sarah opens her mouth and closes it again. She looks at Jack whose brains seems to have stuck in first gear. "And Jack had to lick your ear because?"
"Well technically he could have used his finger, but it needed to be tickled out." The Doctor looks over at Sarah. "If I can remember correctly, the licking was your idea."
"Are you complaining?" Sarah asks putting her hands on her hips.
"Not in the least." The Doctor grins. "I like a good lick every now and then. I am a fucking Time Lord." He winks at her before he lifts the ball and sets it back on the ground.
Sarah doesn't turn pink this time but she does smile. "I do remember."
Jack, who's been standing behind her, licks her ear.
"Jack!" Sarah half shrieks and turns around. "Do you remember our conversation about personal space?"
"I remember it being more of a suggestion," Jack replies.
"What am I going to do with you?" Sarah sighs.
"You could always lick back." Jack smiles charmingly.
"Doctor, shouldn't we take the...stowaway back to its home?" Sarah asks ignoring Jack.
"Doesn't have a home anymore. Not on the planet anyhow." The Doctor looks almost sad as he watches it sit on the floor of the TARDIS. "Its family died. That's why it was in my ear in the first place, trying to hitch a ride until it could find them. Do you think I could fit it in my pocket?" He looks at his pocket and seems to realize they aren't as big as they once were. "Would you like a pet, Sarah?"
"K-9 would have his feelings hurt." Sarah tells him softly. "You could wear a coat with more pockets, or...Jack has lots of pockets."
Jack shakes his head. "No way. I'm not taking that."
"It is kind of cute. It won't try to go into our heads will it, Doctor?" Sarah asks.
"No, no. Once it assumed a more physical form it lost its ability to hitchhike, so to speak." He frowns. "We could always try to find it a foster family. I'm sure there's one somewhere on the planet."
Sarah pats the doctor's back. "That probably would be for the best Doctor."
"Alright then, I'll go out and put my ear to the ground and listen for one, and if I start acting funny, Sarah, you lick my ear." The Doctor starts making his way out the TARDIS.
Sarah grabs the back of his jacket. "There isn't a gadget or something you can use?"
"Nope." He frowns. "Are my ears dirty?"
Sarah makes a show of peering into the Doctor's ears. "All right Doctor, I'd be more than happy to lick your ears."
"Good then. But I really shouldn't need to if I can just find the right spot." He walks around in a large circle. "Where did Jack wander off to?"
"I think we broke him Doctor." Sarah tells him.
"Why's that?" He crotches down, presses his hand to the grass before he shakes his head.
"Something about a white gooey substance pouring from your ear after he licked it seems to be giving him pause." Sarah tells him.
"Are you sure that's it?" The Doctor turns to her briefly.
Sarah blinks. "I can't think of what else it could be."
"I'm sure you're right then." He puts his ear to the ground and starts digging. The Doctor pulls out a cube. "Look, Sarah." He holds it up for her proudly.
Sarah kneels down next to the Doctor. "Is that what we're looking for?"
"Yes." He grins. "Do you think it will mind if its new mommy is a bit square?"
Sarah smiled widely. "I don't think it'll mind at all."
"Fantastic." He places the cube and the ball on the ground before he turns and licks her ear. "Let's go find Jack."
Sarah grabs his hand and licks his ear back. "Alright, Doctor."