A Prickly Tale of Woe

by janai1 [Reviews - 2]

  • Teen
  • None
  • Alternate Universe, Fluff, Humor, Series

Author's Notes:
The Cholla cactus is a personal nemesis of mine that I have been a victim of its nefarious attack. Twice. It is also know as Jumping cactus as the segments will break off the main plant and fall to the ground. It seems you barely touch one and the next thing you know you have a pad of very painful spines embedded into your body part. In my case, both times, it was the top of my sneaker and it really does feel that the spines dig into the bones.

It's not that he couldn't be pathetic; especially being male and now part-Human. When he was a full Time Lord, he certainly had his moments of pure patheticisms {not that he would admit it, having superior biology and all that). He just did not like being pathetic, especially since his biology (the Human male part) sort of required him to now 'have his moments.'

It did not help that his Rose was fond of saying that guys couldn't handle this or suffer that. So when he was dealing with that kind of blow to his ego, he was especially sensitive. Todays new indignity was a vicious attack on said tender ego.

They had been at a botanical garden in the desert section when Rose needed to use the loo. She felt secure in the knowledge that he would stay out of trouble for the short time she would be gone.

One minute after she left, a brightly colored tarantula had made an appearance by a stand of prickly pear cactus.

"Oh, you are gorgeous!" he had remarked in admiration.

The Doctor left the path in order to get a closer look at the large arachnid and crouched down until his nose was almost touching the creature. Of course the tarantula , with its tiny but clever little brain, viewed the Doctor as a very large threat. It quickly reared up onto its back legs, exposed its huge fangs and glared at said perceived threat.

Startled, the Doctor had scuttled backwards and promptly let out a yelp of pain. A bunch of very sharp needles had pierced his jeans and lodged into the muscled flesh of his right buttock. Without thinking, he had reached back to pull the attacker out and promptly felt a long, sharp spines sink into the pads of his thumb and index finger.

Another cry of pain left his throat and he pulled his hand away; blood was already leaking from two puncture marks on his digits. He stuck his thumb and finger in his mouth to suck the blood away as he twisted his lean torso to took for the source of his pain.

There was a short segment of cactus covered with yellowish spines embedded on his bum. The spines were thick and he knew, with a sinking heart, he would not be able to remove the painful object by himself. Which meant Rose would see his condition in all its glory.

"Rose is never going to let me live this down," he muttered.

The Doctor looked over to see what he had backed into . It was a large clump of cactus full of spine coated segments which actually looked soft and sort of fluffy. With a growl, he carefully moved closer to the identifier tab.

"Teddy Bear Cholla, pronounced Choy-a, known also a the Jumping Cactus," he growled, "Bloody hell!! Ridiculous name, not a 'tall cute or soft!"


The hybrid in question spun around at the sound of Rose' s voice and blushed deep red from embarrassment and pain.

"Hi," he squeaked as she approached him. "How was the loo?" Well, that sounded brilliant, he thought with disgust.

He noticed her eyes had narrowed and she was giving him that, 'what have you done now' look. He was doomed.

"What have you done?" she asked as she folded her arms over her chest. He tugged his left ear and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Erm. Um. I may have, may have mind you, been attackedbyanastycactsus!"

Her brows rose almost to her hairline as her mind sorted out the jumble of words that he had mumbled.

"Attacked by a what?"

"Uh, the, erm, Teddy Bear Cholla...l mean Choy-ah...um, that."

He pointed over his shoulder at the innocent looking cactus behind him.

"So. Let me get this right. That..." she pointed at the bush..." attacked you. How?" She was clearly perplexed.

"Well, you see, there was this tarantula, a real beauty, mind. It was over there (he pointed at the Prickly Pear and of course I had to look. Scientific reasons, of course. Weeelll...l may have startled it because it reared up and I ..sort of...backed in that (he pointed at the Cholla)."

He suddenly saw a spot on the path by his feet which looked VERY interesting.

Rose looked around the base of the Prickly Pear; of course the tarantula was long gone. She really could not blame it after seeing a close-up of her ever curious boyfriend's face. If the Doctor had seen the critter, he had seen it, this she knew without a doubt.

"So, where did it attack you?" she asked moving closer. Her expression was part concern and part amusement.

Oh, here we go, he thought bitterly as he brought up his bleeding fingers for her inspection. It was small consolation to see that her eyes grew wide with worry.

"Shit, Doctor!" She cried out as she reached into her purse and pulled out a travel pack of tissues. Rose carefully wrapped the tissues around his dripping wounds to staunch the flow of blood.

"We should go to First Aid and get your hand fixed proper."

"Um, nope, nonono...not here. Really not here. They will either laugh or scold me for damaging their bush. Or both."

He was whining and clearly hedging; something else had had happened to the love of her life. Something that was clearly an embarrassment to his ego. She narrowed her eyes and noticed that his eyes were tight with discomfort.

"Doctor? What aren't ya tellin' me?"

Her Doctor had faced off with some of the most evil races in their home universe: Daleks, Sontarans, Slitheen to name a few. He was the Oncoming Storm, the Destroyer of Worlds and feared by many alien species. For him to be cowed by a couple spines in the fingers was too simple. Something else was up and his nervous posturing confirmed that.

She put her hands on her hips and looked him up and down. That was then that she noticed that his right leg was trembling slightly and his weight was clearly resting on his left leg. She tried to crane her upper body to get a glimpse of his backside but he twisted around so that she couldn't.

"Turn around," she said at her wits end.

"Do I hafta?" his voice was several octaves higher than before. She narrowed hers eyes again and dropped her voice to an almost deadly whisper.

"Turn around now or no sex for the next week!"

The Doctor blanched at that thought before letting out a small whimper of dismay; he knew she was serious.

"Fat chance of that anyway," he said in such a low voice that she could barely hear him.

Rose twisted her body around to see if there were any other people near by; it looked like the coast was clear.

"NOW!" she thundered.

The Doctor squeaked in alarm and turned around so quickly that he was dizzy for a moment. He stared ahead and sensed her astonishment, then concern, followed by....by....NO, NO, NO! It was there...a tiny whisper of....humor! He raised his hands to cover his face in shame.

Rose stared at the bristly segment of cactus in astonishment.

"Uh," she murmured, "how did you..?"

He whipped around and drew himself up to his full 6' 1" and glared down at her shocked expression as he cut her off.

"Told you! I backed into that bloody cactus!"

He ran both hands through his hair in exasperation.

Rose looked up at him in shock, her eyes wide as a mental picture sprang into her head. The shock started to fade as she looked at the indignant Doctor, the cactus, and back the Doctor again. He threw his hands up into the air with a huffing sound.

"Go ahead!" he shook the uninjured index finger at her, "I know you want to laugh. Jus' let it out for the whole world to hear! Forget the fact that I have been grievously wounded and might die from loss of blood and embarrassment!" The Doctor was truly on a verbal roll and Rose started to giggle at his expense.

"Yup! There it starts!" he pointed at her, "You are wicked, Rose Tyler! Truly wicked!"

"Uh, hullo there, is everything alright," a deep voice asked. The Doctor whirled around, still caught up in his tirade.

"No!" he huffed, "I have a cruel...um, uh…"

It was then that his brilliant intellect kicked in and he recognized that the voice belonged to an employee. A middle-aged man in khakis with a tag proclaiming his name as 'Bert'; a man who had spied the chunk of cactus attached to the Doctors butt. A man who was now shaking his head and trying very hard not to grin.

The Doctor deflated like a punctured zeppelin and dug both hands into his jeans front pockets as he blushed furiously.

"S'okay, laddie. We've a lovely nurse here by the name of Bria who 'as a deft hand for pullin' cactus spines out of folks. Would'na be the first nor the last time for 'er." Bert slapped a hand on the Doctors shoulder with a broad smile. "'Corse, that's a right wicked cacti ya bumped, gonna 'urt big time removin it!"

"Wizard, just fan-bloody-tastic wizard!" the Doctor muttered. He glanced at Rose who was trying to school her features into something resembling concern.

"Only you, my Doctor," she murmured.

She reached for his uninjured hand and squeezed it gently. He rolled his eyes are her and squeezed back.

"Well, lets get ya sorted out, young man," Bert said with a jovial voice, "Come along."

The Doctor nodded and gave the cactus one last glare, the Oncoming Storm in his eyes.

The cactus was totally unimpressed.