Bosom Companions

by Prochytes [Reviews - 1]

  • All Ages
  • None
  • Drabble, General, Humor, Standalone

Author's Notes:
Small spoilers for The Ultimate Foe. Originally posted on AO3 in 2018.


“Well, that was refreshing!” said the Doctor. She dabbed ineffectually at her sleeve. “And, of course, that drenching tells me how to save the day!”

Yaz whimpered. Graham had gone rather pink. The Doctor frowned, but brightened when she followed their gaze.

“I see that you’ve already worked out the solution. Well done! The Ph of the water soaking my shirt is obviously 5.9, so anomalously low for this area that…”

Graham cleared his throat. “Doctor, would you like to borrow my cardigan?”

“Well, that’s very kind, Graham, but…”

Graham looked at Yaz, whose forehead had beaded sweat. “Um. Please?”


“It’s not that I mind them. In fact, I think that they’re very nice, even if they don’t stay still when you’re running.”

“Uh-huh”,” said Jack Harkness.

“But they’re getting in the way of the exposition. People just seem to find them mesmerizing.”

“Uh-huh,” said Jack Harkness.

“Oliver Cromwell tried to lock me up the other day. He said that you stole your Period Military look from him.”

“Uh-hu… Hang on — could you say that again?”

“See? I knew you weren’t listening.” The Doctor turned. “Gwen, can’t you get him to focus?”

“Uh-huh,” said Gwen Cooper. “Sorry — what was that?”


“Have you given them names?” asked Sarah Jane.

The Doctor glared. “Why would I do that?”

“When I first knew you, you were the sort of man who named his cars. I thought that some old habits might die hard.”

“I’ve grown out of my ‘men and motors’ phase, thank you so much. In several directions.” The Doctor stared moodily at the ceiling. “It’s not like I’m good at avoiding getting my shirt wet. I even managed to do it in the Matrix.”

“Maybe you need a specialist fitting?”

“Absolutely!” The Doctor beamed. “And I know just who to ask.”


“I’m really sorry about that time I almost strangled you.”

“Apology accepted.”

“And also for our parting of the ways. Which I’m still not totally sure I understand.”

“Join the club,” said Peri, as she continued to whet a greatsword.

“So… given your barbarian queen lifestyle, and your, um, significant natural advantages, I was wondering if you could advise on, well… support?”

Peri held the blade up to the light. “Are you seriously just here because you think that I still have the best boobs of anyone you’ve ever met?”

“Um. Possibly?”

Peri sighed. “Space-station Peril Alpha. Ask for ‘Marcos’.”


“How are we going to get up the cliff-face, Doctor?” asked Ryan.

“Not a problem.” The Doctor rummaged industriously, before flourishing a tome. “Here we are! Everest in Easy Stages.”

Ryan accepted the book gingerly. “This is in Tibetan. How can we access the Gift of Tongues with the TARDIS sequestered?”

“Way ahead of you.” Further rummaging. “Teach Yourself Tibetan.”

“Great. Um, Doctor?”

“Yes, Ryan?”

“How do you keep a library, er, there?”

“I bought a bespoke sports bra, with modifications. My cleavage is now dimensionally transcendental.”

“Right. Couldn’t you just use pockets?”

The Doctor grinned impishly. “Breast is best.”