Bill sat against the wall of their cell as the Doctor worked on the picking the lock on the door.
“Can I tell you something?” she asked, uncertainly.
“Course you can,” said the Doctor without turning to look at her. “You can tell me anything.”
“It's about the other you. The woman one.”
“Okay,” he said, nodding.
“Right. Um. I don't really know how to say this.”
He glanced over at her. “Is it a bad thing?”
“No. Yes. A bit. I don't know really.”
He gestured for her to continue.
“When I look at her I feel... certain feelings. And when I look at you... I really, really don't.” She looked down at her hands, embarrassed.
“What do you mean?” asked the Doctor, distracted from his lock-picking.
“Well... she's younger than you are,” she said, looking up again.
He shook his head. “No, she's a bit older than me.”
“Okay, but she looks younger. And she's hot.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Is she?”
“What, like you didn't notice?” she asked, sceptical.
“Actually, she reminds me slightly of my mother,” he said. “I think it's the eyes.”
“No, she's hot, you can trust me on that one.”
“Okay.” He seemed a bit confused. “Can I get back to the lock now?”
“Hang on a minute, I'm almost done.” Bill paused to compose her thoughts. “She's young and she's gorgeous and I like girls.”
Bill waited for the Doctor to react to this information. He was frowning, and she could imagine little cogs of thought turning in his head.
“Wait,” he said, after some time, “are you saying you fancy me?”
“Not you! Her!”
“She is me! I am her!”
Bill shook her head. “No, cos like... you've got a dick, right?”
“That's a very personal question, Bill.”
“And you don't have breasts.”
The Doctor looked down at himself as though to check.
“And you know I'm a lesbian, right?”
He nodded. “Oh, that reminds me, I got a girl's phone number the other day. For you. She's an engineering student, very clever, probably good-looking. She called me an old pervert but then I explained that it was for a friend, and -”
“Doctor,” said Bill, “can we talk about that later?”
He nodded again.
“So... if I'd shag her, does that mean I subconsciously want to shag you?”
“Oh!” said the Doctor. “I think I get it now. This about human sexuality, right?”
“Well,” said the Doctor, moving to sit with his back to the wall, “I'm not really an expert on that, but I don't think you need to worry.”
“You like women, she's a woman, where's the confusing bit?”
Bill sighed. “Look... you're straight, right?”
He shook his head. “No.”
“Oh, God, sorry, I just assumed. So you're gay?”
“Kind of running out of categories here,” said Bill.
“I'm a Time Lord,” he said.
“Okay,” he said, “if I was attracted to Missy, what you call it?”
“I'd call it weird,” said Bill. “You fancy the psychopath that you keep in your sex dungeon? Seriously?”
“It's not a sex dungeon,” he protested, sounding slightly annoyed. “It's a vault.”
“A sex vault,” said Bill. “Is that what you do in there? Do you like...” she gestured vaguely, “get your Time Lord kicks with her? No offence but that's kind of sick.”
“My point,” said the Doctor, “is that you'd call that a heterosexual attraction, right?”
Bill shrugged. “Yeah.”
“Right, but up until quite recently she and I were both men.”
“Is that before you put her in your sex vault?”
The Doctor sighed. “Yes,” he said, wearily, “that's before I put her in my sex vault.”
“So you can see why Time Lords don't really fit into the sort of categories that you're used to.”
“Do you think she'd say yes if I asked her out?” asked Bill.
He frowned. “Missy? Isn't she a bit evil for you?”
“Not her, the other you.”
“I don't really think of you in that way,” he said, rather awkwardly. “Not that you're not a wonderful person, but I see you more as a sort of... well, as some sort of family member.”
“Yeah, but does she think of me in that way?”
“You're not asking her out,” he said, firmly.
“She's too old for you, and she might get you killed.”
“You mean it'd freak you out a bit.”
Bill nodded. “Okay, it was just a thought.”
“Do you feel better now?” he asked. “Can I go back to trying to get us out of here?”
“Yeah, I'm good.”
“Okay,” he said, turning back to the lock.
Bill sat in silence for a bit, trying to make sense of all this in her head. After a while something was still nagging at her, so she said, “I can't believe you've been having sex with Missy.”
“Does Nardole know? Is he in on it? Did everyone know except me?”
“I thought you were trying to make her less evil? You do know that your dick isn't actually a form of therapy, right? Holy shit, men are weird.”
“Bill, the door's open, would you like to escape now?”
She got to her feet. “I don't know if I can ever look at you again.”
“Fine, you can look at the other me instead, since you think she's so much fun to look at.”
“Shut up, Doctor,” she said, as she reached the door.
“I'm glad we had this talk,” he said, tiredly.
“Can I have an extension on that essay if I promise not to tell Nardole?”
“Anything you like, Bill, now can we please get going?”
“I'm so glad I'm gay,” she said. “I'm never going to understand men.”
Then an alarm went off and they had to start running.
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