“It’s no like I’ve never kissed a lassie before, ye ken,” said Jamie. “I’ve kissed lots of lasses. Well, a fair few. Just, well, no’ for a while.” He pulled a face. “And come to think of it I’m no’ sure I was ever any good at it.”
They were in the TARDIS library, and the conversation was getting altogether too personal for Jamie’s liking. He’d been taking a turn about the bookshelves, wondering absently if there were any books he could even begin to understand, thinking of Victoria, when he’d all but walked into the Doctor. The Doctor had asked why he was looking so pensive, and now, somehow, they were talking about kissing.
“Oh, well, you know what they say.” The Doctor cleared his throat, adjusted his coat, probably less comfortable with the subject at hand than he was letting on. “Practice makes perfect.”
“Aye, that’s just it.” Jamie jabbed a finger at him. “I want it to be perfect first time. I just — ach. I don’t even know how to start.”
“You could ask her,” the Doctor suggested.
“Ask her?” Jamie echoed. “What, just like that?”
The Doctor spread his hands. “Whyever not?”
“It’d be weird,” said Jamie. “And it’s no’ proper. And — what if she said no?”
“Then you say sorry and move on, I suppose,” said the Doctor. “It’s not difficult, I, I imagine.”
“Eh, if you say so,” said Jamie. “Aw, I wouldnae know how to go about asking.”
“Now, that certainly isn’t difficult.” The Doctor stepped closed, puffed out his chest, and said, “you look very nice today, Victoria. May I kiss you?”
Jamie chuckled. “Aye, go on.” It just sort of slipped out. He wasn’t altogether sure if he was playing along, or actually agreeing.
The Doctor stepped still closer, and reached out a hand as if he was going to touch Jamie’s face — but instead he clapped Jamie lightly on the shoulder and said, “yes, ah, very good. Rather like that.”
Jamie let out his breath. “Y’know, for a moment there I thought you were really gonnae do it.”
“Hm? Do what?”
“Kiss me,” said Jamie, his face heating.
“Oh!” exclaimed the Doctor as if the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. “Hmm.” His mouth moved from side to side as he mulled it over. “Well, why not?”
“Eh?” Jamie let out another nervous chuckle. “I could think of a fair few reasons, Doctor.”
“Didn’t you just say you wanted practice?” said the Doctor.
Jamie hadn’t, actually, but he supposed it had been implied. “I suppose,” he said. “I’m just not sure, erm — erm.” The Doctor’s expression was so earnest, almost hopeful. Jamie wasn’t sure if he understood what he was asking — or if he actually wanted this. “You’re no’ exactly a lass,” he said slowly.
“So?” said the Doctor. “Use your imagination.”
Jamie looked the Doctor up and down, raising a eyebrow. “It’d take a lot of imagination.”
The Doctor scowled at him. “Worth a try, isn’t it? It can hardly make things worse, after all.”
Jamie conceded the point. “What if Victoria walks in?”
“That’s hardly likely,” said the Doctor. “I shan’t tell if you shan’t. Hm?”
Jamie thought it over. Part of him was screaming that this was a bad idea, the very worst, because — because the Doctor was a man and it wasn’t right, it was downright dirty and sinful. But he had an inkling that was silly, that he could kiss whoever he wanted.
Another, quieter part of him was urging himself on. Part of him wanted this. He shouldn’t indulge that. Should he?
“Aye,” he said. “Aye, alight.”
“Oh, splendid!” Beaming at him, the Doctor stepped closer. After a moment his face dropped. “Well?”
“I’m being the girl, aren’t I? Hadn’t you better take the lead?”
“Oh!” said Jamie. “Oh, erm, aye.” He stepped closer, and feeling awkward and more than a bit silly, took the Doctor by the shoulders. Was that right? It wasn’t how he’d normally hold someone, to kiss them — but he didn’t want to be too romantic about this — but was that missing the point?
“Go on, then,” said the Doctor.
“Aye, okay,” said Jamie. “I’m going tae kiss you now.” He leaned in — and collapsed into giggles. “Stop that!”
“Hm? Stop what?” said the Doctor.
“Stop making that face!”
“I’m not making a face!”
“Aye, you are, you’re making this face,” said Jamie, and made the face.
“Well, really!” the Doctor said, and snorted, and began to laugh. “Oh, oh look — now you’ve set me off!”
That sent Jamie off again, his shoulders shaking as he laughed and laughed. Their foreheads bumped together and he stayed like that, leaning against the Doctor, as his laughter died.
“Oh, dear,” sighed the Doctor.
“This feels really weird,” said Jamie. Not like kissing a girl at all. Just like messing around with a friend.
“Do you want to stop?” said the Doctor softly.
“No,” said Jamie. “Just — ach, here.” He cut to the chase, took the Doctor’s face in his two hands, and smushed their mouths together.
The Doctor said, “mmmf,” taken off-guard, and for a moment it was awkward and sloppy and a wee bit bitey and Jamie was about to give up when the Doctor’s hands clutched at his hips, drawing him closer, and everything clicked into place.
The kiss slowed, finding an easy-going rhythm. The Doctor’s lips were rough, but his mouth was so soft, so easy to kiss. Absently, Jamie stroked his cheek. This didn’t feel like messing around any more. He felt — a touch light headed. A touch sick. He felt sure he was enjoying this far too much.
He pulled back.
“Ohh!!” said the Doctor, his eyes still closed. He opened them, and blinked at Jamie.
“Aye, erm.” Jamie let go of the Doctor’s face, a hand trailing down his body. “That was, erm, good practice, Doctor.” He gave the Doctor’s chest a pat.
“Oh, oh yes.” The Doctor let go of Jamie’s hips and straightened his coat. He cleared his throat, pulling himself up a little higher. “I, well, I hope that was helpful.”
“Oh aye, it was good,” said Jamie, and winced. “I mean, aye, it was very helpful, thank you.”
“Marvellous,” said the Doctor. “Well, I, I —”
“I’d better be, erm,” said Jamie.
“There was a book I was, ah, looking for.” The Doctor gestured vaguely over Jamie’s shoulder. “I’d better, ah, the book.”
“Oh aye, the book,” said Jamie. “Do you want me to help, with finding the book?”
“No no, no,” the Doctor babbled. “No, I’ll, ah, be on my way.”
“Aye,” said Jamie. “And I’ll be going, erm, this way.” He nodded in the opposite direction.
For a moment, they stared at each other. Then almost at the same moment, they realised they were standing far too close together and stammering they sprang apart.
“I’ll see you at dinner,” said Jamie.
“Oh, yes,” said the Doctor. “Good-bye, Jamie.” Seemingly at a loss for anything else to do, he grabbed Jamie’s hand and shook it firmly. “Well done,” he said, and hurried away into the depths of the library.
Left alone, Jamie watched the Doctor’s retreating back till he turned a corner and was gone. Semi-consciously, he touched his lips. He wasn’t sure that had gone well at all. Maybe they needed more practice.