by badly_knitted [Reviews - 1]

  • Teen
  • None
  • Humor, Standalone

Author's Notes:
Written for my own prompt ‘Any, any, Alien abduction,’ at fic_promptly.

Thinking about it, Ianto was kind of surprised that this sort of thing didn’t happen to Torchwood agents more often, considering the line of work they were in. It was the sort of thing that should have been considered a standard occupational hazard, but he’d been through thousands of case files and incident reports dating back almost a hundred years and had only seen mention of three verified cases. Well, if he got out of this mess and filed a report on it, that would make four, but right now he wasn’t feeling too optimistic.

The squat, furry creatures surrounded him, brandishing things that could have been weapons, torture devices, scientific instruments, medical probes, or something else entirely. He had no way of knowing and wasn’t especially eager to find out. Since he was also currently unable to move, escaping didn’t seem to be on the cards either.

From where he lay, Ianto tried to get a look at his surroundings. He seemed to be in a circular chamber with a domed ceiling made of what looked like dull silvery metal. The floor, what he could see of it, was flat and the whole space was lit by a soft, glowing radiance with no obvious source. He was lying on his back on a smooth but padded round platform in the centre of the room, and the beings gathered around him seemed to be radiating an air of anticipation.

Gradually, the feeling began to return to his body, fingers and toes tingling, the sensation slowly spreading up his legs and arms, then through the rest of his body, and after a few minutes he was finally able to move. Slowly and carefully, he sat up and studied his captors.

They were about a metre tall, shaped like upside down pudding basins, with four small feet beneath their flat bottoms. Each had four long, flexible arms, two on each side, two big oval eyes in the front, four wiggly antennae extruding from the top of what passed for their heads, and the entire body/head part of the beings was covered in shaggy fur. If they had noses or mouths, they were hidden under the fur, which was varying shades of blue and grey. Ianto vaguely wondered if the grey ones were the oldest.

It was a bit disconcerting, the way they were all staring at him as if waiting for something to happen.

“Hi,” he tried.

“HI!” they chorused back at him. Okay, that was interesting.

“Um, am I on your spaceship?”

“SHIP!” they agreed.

Ianto wasn’t really sure they were getting anywhere. “Why am I here?”


“I’m Ianto Jones, yes, not so sure I’m all that great. Depends who you ask.”

“YOU SIGN PLEASE?” One of the nearest held out a flat, shiny object and some sort of stylus.

“Uh, sure.” He took the objects and signed his name on the shiny surface, handing it back. That set them all off, they were thrusting their notepads at him from all sides, and it was all he could do to keep up with demand. He dimly noted a lot of muted flashes from various devices held by individuals. Were they taking his picture? This was bizarre. “Why do you call me Great One?” he dared to ask.


One of the aliens offered him a different kind of tablet, showing a moving picture… Oh God! How in the world had these aliens got hold of Jack’s private video collection? There Ianto was, with Jack, in a series of extremely erotic videos, along with clips of him going about his business around the Hub, cleaning up, making coffee, feeding Myfanwy.


Well, what was he supposed to say to that?

“I’m honoured, thank you.”

Abducted by alien autograph hunters! He didn’t know how yet, but he was sure Jack had to be responsible, and when he got back to earth, he was going to kill him!

The End