Jack looked up from his paperwork as Ianto entered his office bearing coffee.
“Ah, just what I could do with. You’re a lifesaver, Ianto Jones.” He smiled up at Ianto, whose face was set in an uncharacteristic scowl. That wasn’t good. “What did I do?”
“Nothing; for once it’s not you.” Ianto turned away, heading for the door.
“Hey, wait up!” Jack called after him. “If it’s not something I’ve done, then what’s put you in such a foul mood?” As Ianto paused in the doorway, Jack raised his mug to his lips and took a mouthful.
“If you must know, I’m mad because Gwen pinched my nuts.” Ianto stalked off towards the archives, leaving Jack choking on his drink and spraying coffee everywhere.
As soon as he’d got his breath back, Jack slammed his mug down and left his office in search of Gwen, finding her down in the autopsy bay, talking to Owen.
“Gwen, a word in my office, please.”
“I’ll be right there.”
When Gwen entered his office a few minutes later, she found Jack leaning against his desk, arms folded across his chest, not looking at all happy.
“Ianto told me what you did.”
“Oh. Look, I already told him I was sorry. It’s just, they were right there and they looked so good, I couldn’t resist them.”
“So you admit it?”
“Well, yes, of course.”
“You’re a married woman!”
“Um, what does that have to do with anything?”
“Just keep you hands off my boyfriend’s nuts in future, and the rest of him, for that matter. As of right now, all of Ianto is off limits to you, missy!”
A snort of laughter from the doorway cut Jack off in mid-rant.
“While I’m delighted that you’re willing to go to such lengths to defend my honour, Jack, maybe I should clarify the situation. Gwen hasn’t been groping me. I bought myself a bag of pistachios and left them on the kitchen counter, and while I wasn’t looking Gwen ate the lot. I was really looking forward to them too.” The twinkle in Ianto’s eyes belied the pout on his lips.
“Oh, so when you said she pinched your nuts, you really meant nuts and not your…?”
Gwen turned scarlet. “Oh God, you thought I’d…?” Giggling and blushing, she fled from the office, leaving Jack and Ianto alone.
“Well, that was a bit awkward.” Ianto shoved his hands in his pockets, blushing slightly himself. “On the bright side, I remain unmolested by other hands.”
“Good.” Jack approached and pulled Ianto firmly against him. “Because you are mine, and anyone who pinches any part of you will have me to answer to.” Jack practically growled the words.
“My hero,” Ianto smirked.
“And don’t you forget it! Stay right here a minute, I’ll be right back.” Jack strode towards the door and leant out. “Gwen? For the record, theft of any kind is frowned upon; ask before you help yourself in future. And I expect you to replace Ianto’s nuts. Clear?”
“Go home everybody, take the rest of the day off.” Without waiting for a reply, Jack firmly closed the door and stalked back to Ianto, a predatory gleam in his eyes. “Now, where were we?”
“Just about here, I believe.” Ianto slid back into Jack’s arms, leaning in for a kiss.
Who needed nuts anyway?