Author's Notes:
I've been listening to the Bernice Summerfield audios recently, and I love them to bits. So, here for your enjoyment and viewing pleasure, is...


50 Things Jason Kane is Absolutely Not Allowed to do at the Braxiatel Collection

as dictated to him by his ex-wife

who is currently very mad at him

and wondering what could have possibly possessed her when she married him

and yelling

very loudly

Benny-

please stop yelling

now.

Alright, alright, I'll write them out! Stop yelling!


1. I do not live in a musical; therefore, I am not allowed to break out in song in the middle of the Collection.

2. Braxiatel's moustache is real, and as such I really shouldn't check to see if it isn't.

3. I'm not allowed to copy lectures from any of the following: Shakespeare, Napoleon Bonaparte, Tony Blair, George W. Bush, Stephanie Meyer.

4. I'm not allowed to organize a Braxiatel Collection Fight Club.

5. If I did happen to organize a Braxiatel Collection Fight Club, I'm not allowed to talk about it.

6. There is no interpretive dance course offered at the Collection, and I should stop telling the newcomers that.

7. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.

8. '99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall' is a song, not a challenge.

9. It is very wrong to talk to Benny about what happened on the Gigamarket on the planet Baladroon, since she steadfastly claims that she was not in her right mind during that adventure.

10. The invaders were 'the Fifth Axis', not 'the Storm Troopers'.

11. There is no annual 'Dress Like Braxiatel' day.

12. Peter did not eat Benny's diary.

13. I will not give embarrassing singing socks as gifts to other people, especially not Irving Braxiatel.

14. Even though he did do it to me last Christmas. And it was annoying.

15. Adding the name Bueller to Ms Jones's faculty list is cruel and unusual punishment.

16. I will not attempt to capture Adrian in a pokeball.

17. I will not throw rare and priceless paintings out of windows claiming that they wanted to be free.

18. No matter how ugly they were.

19. 'A hug' is not 'all Ms Jones needs'.

20. Bev does not 'weigh the same as a duck'.

21. Asking, 'how do you keep an archaeologist in suspense?' and walking away was only funny the first time.

22. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Bernice Summerfield.

23. My name is not 'Captain Subtext'.

24. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin when I'm talking to Adrian.

25. I may not base my trashy romance novels on things that my ex-wife and I may or may not have got up to in our spare time.

26. I'm not allowed to use the Time Rings for cheap party tricks.

27. "Springtime for Braxiatel" is not an acceptable pantomime suggestion for Peter's day care class to perform.

28. Wolsey is not black, so isn't any form of bad or good luck.

29. Adrian is not to be referred to as 'cannon fodder'.

30. I am not a victim of causality or the "fiendish machinations" of a future self.

31. Braxiatel isn't a vampire. And he definitely doesn't sparkle.

32. Throwing out paradoxical statements to confuse Sophia really isn't funny.

33. Priceless artefacts aren't to be used as 'target practice'.

34. If Benny starts lecturing me about career choices again, 'to take over the Collection with an army of flying monkeys' isn't the best thing to say about your future job.

35. There are no whales on Planetoid KS-159 and as such cannot be saved. Creating a society specifically to save said non-existent whales is a really bad idea.

36. I am not allowed to declare that today is 'Hug a Dalek' day.

37. I'm not allowed to clone myself- again- just so I can make obscure twenty-first century references to a comic called 'Calvin and Hobbes'.

38. Attempting 'something I saw in a cartoon' isn't the best idea, even if the gravity on the Collection is a tiny bit different from Earth.

39. I'm not allowed to name the Collection's latest spaceship 'The Antidisestablishmentarianism'.

40. 'I did it for the lulz' is not an appropriate excuse for whatever stupid idea I got caught out on this time.

41. I am no longer allowed anywhere near the duct tape, no matter how badly I need it.

42. Joseph does not experience emotional pain and suffering, and any lawsuit filed against a sentient being on Joseph's behalf is therefore frivolous.

43. Apparently I can trust Bev further than I can throw her.

44. Not allowed to attempt to throw Bev.

45. If I giggle about something for longer than 15 seconds, it can be safely assumed that I am Not Allowed To Do It.

46. I'm not allowed to gloat about the fact that I can properly pronounce "Hydrochlorothiazide", even if I can.

47. Hass is not a lumberjack, and he is not okay. So stop singing that song.

48. 'I know where you work' is not an appropriate threat to direct towards anyone on the Collection. Mainly because everyone already knows where everyone else works. And what would you do with the information anyway?

49. Peter's name is not 'Mowgli', and no-one finds that reference funny in the slightest.

50. Whatever you do, do not annoy Bernice Summerfield. She'll make life very annoying- and difficult- for you…


"Done," Jason grumbled, flipping the sheet of paper over. "Now, will you please stop hanging over my head with a frying pan and just forgive me already?"

Benny scowled at him, but put down the frying pan. "Jason Kane, you are the most annoying and pessimistic man I have ever had the misfortune to meet and marry."

"How many other annoying and pessimistic men have you met and married?" Jason wondered idly.

Benny mumbled something incomprehensible, and walked out of the room fairly quickly.

"Benny!" Jason yelled. "I want to hear this!"

"Talk to you later!" she called back. "I need to pick up Peter from daycare!"

"BERNICE SUMMERFIELD!"

"Bye!"