The All-Consuming Fir

by Daibhid Ceannaideach [Reviews - 4]

  • All Ages
  • None
  • Action/Adventure, Crossover, Humor

Author's Notes:
This story requires that Clara had at least one additional Christmas between "Time of the Doctor" and "Last Christmas". I don't think there was anything in the series that rules that possibility out...

With apologies to Moffat and Gattis, Andy Lane, and possibly everyone else.

Clara’s Diary
28th December 201-

Well, at least the Doctor didn't turn up at Christmas dinner this year. No, it was a week earlier, while I was getting Danny's present. Middle of the shops and he pops up and says he’s got a phone call from Kate, and would I like to come? No time travel or trips into paintings this time, just a routine bit of investigation and a possible minor alien threat. Obviously, it wasn’t as simple as that.

You know what? Too worn out after Christmas to go into the details. Luckily, I printed out a blog post by someone else who was there, just before it disappeared. (Thanks for that, Kate!) So he can tell the story...

The Blog of Dr. John H. Watson
24 December
The All-Consuming Fir

Currently on the way to Sherlock's parents house for Christmas. Sherlock is being his usual chatty self, and I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to say to Mary, so writing this one up keeps me busy. I haven't decided if I'm actually going to post it because, well, it's just that weird.

It was Mycroft who got Sherlock involved, but it involved some hush-hush military group called UNIT that, from what Mycroft said, were involved in matters above his security level. Since the impression both brothers have always given me is that there’s no such thing, I really wasn’t sure what to make of that. It seemed to make him more irritable than normal. Or maybe that was the prospect of spending Christmas with his parents.

We met two officers from UNIT’s IT department, Lieutenant Newman and Captain Yeovil, who said they had reason to believe “persons unknown” had broken into UNIT files, and stolen information on something called “the Christmas Invasions”. They wouldn’t say what the files were about, which almost caused Sherlock to walk out, but they said he could examine the system, as long as Newman monitored him and he didn’t actually open any files. Naturally, that was the first thing he did, to confirm that it would set off an alarm. Newman looked about ready to do him a serious injury.

Before long, Sherlock declared that no-one could have broken into the database — apparently they gave external security a major upgrade in 2006 — but that once someone did have access they could easily get into the restricted files. Yeovil gave us a list of UNIT personnel who had a suitable access code. There were four or five names on the list, and Sherlock noted the name of Colonel Warburton as one that had come on his radar before. Apparently, Warburton had been ranting about the need to “use the aliens’ methods against them” on some conspiracy theory message board. Under one of those internet pseudonyms (Tirram345, or something like that) and multiple layers of separation from his real identity, of course, but not enough to stop Sherlock from identifying him.

Yeovil and Newman exchanged a glance when Sherlock told them this. I suppose it’s a bit worrying to learn one of your fellow officers believes in UFOs.

We were on our way out when we passed the canteen, and got called over by a tall grey-haired man with a Scottish accent. He said he was called the Doctor — I know, but I suppose military intelligence attracts people who like doing the codename thing — and the girl with him was called Clara. Sherlock gave the Doctor a few uncertain looks, like his usual scan was producing results he didn’t quite believe.

The Doctor told us he was also investigating Colonel Warburton, and that Sherlock couldn’t possibly predict what Warburton was up to. You can imagine how well that went down.

Clara smoothed over Sherlock’s ruffled feathers (I got the impression she was used to doing that when the Doctor spoke to people, and I sympathised), and we set off to Warburton’s house together. The Doctor was wearing a close-fitting dark coat with a red lining, and he and Sherlock actually got into a dramatic-coat-posing competition on the way, although neither of them would admit that’s what they were doing.

When we arrived at the house, Warburton wasn’t there. Or rather, some of him was. He’d been eaten. By — and I swear this is true — some sort of mutant Christmas tree, complete with decorations. It was rotating, and consuming everything in the house.

The Doctor muttered something about this being a new strain. I got the impression he was saying it was alien, and at this point I didn’t have a better explanation. I’m not sure Sherlock did either.

The Doctor then pulled some buzzy tool out of his pocket and pointed it at the tree. Which exploded. Sherlock pulled me out of the way, and Clara did the same for the Doctor, who was staring at it in fascination.

The police arrived shortly after that — I learnt later they’d been called by Warburton’s neighbour, Kate Prendersley, who'd heard some strange noises. The Doctor told us he was sorry he couldn’t stick around, but that saying Warburton was killed in a mysterious explosion would probably go down with the police better than a killer Christmas tree.

And then they were gone. And, yes, we told the police we didn’t know what caused the explosion. I don’t think the sergeant believed us, but would he have believed the truth? I suppose this UNIT group will hush the whole thing up, but like I said, writing it up keeps me occupied.


Merry Christmas, John, but now I know you’re making these up.
Harry Watson 24 December 19:17

Anonymous 24 December 19:34

Oops, didn’t mean to wake the troll. And I’m not a “he”, thank you.

John, if you say it happened, it happened.
Harry Watson 24 December 20:01

i used to think only an idiot would believe in aliens now i think its the sort of thing we should keep an open mind about
theimprobableone 26 December 9:22

This actually kind of fits with that website Chris Melas was talking about when you met the guy in the multicoloured coat. It says they’re all called “the Doctor” and they’ve got something to do with UNIT.
Jacob Sowerby 26 December 11:14

Sorry, why were you sympathising with Clara?
Sherlock Holmes 26 December 13:36

No reason at all.
John Watson 26 December 13:49

Dr Watson, I’m afraid this entire post will have to be deleted. This is actually more top secret than the Isaac Persano story.
Greyhound1 27 December 14:21