December 25th
Hello Diary, you are my Christmas present, even though I specifically asked for a unicorn. It is fine, I am old enough to be mature about getting rubbish presents from people who claim to love me. In any case I shall be writing in you every day to record material for my best-selling autobiography, to be written when I am old perhaps around thirty. I expect I will have seen everything worth seeing by then. We are going to be staying on Earth for a while, as home is broken at the moment. She was fine until Dad tried to do every Christmas ever in reverse order. Never did find out what really happened at the first one. Suspect it was boring anyway. Most things are.


January 19th
Dear Diary, sorry I forgot about you, but I found you under a pile of clothes and thus we are reunited at last. Have been enrolled in school because that is an Earth tradition. Don't expect to learn anything of any value, already know everything worth knowing, surely? Asked parents what the point of going to school was. Mum said it will help me develop my social interactions and my personality, Dad said the aim is to scar me for life so that I am unable to function in later life. Mum told him to shut up and said that I am not to listen to him when he talks nonsense. He usually talks nonsense, does this mean I never have to listen to him?


January 21st
Have met Clara, she is my dad's... not sure what she is but they seem to like each other. She has boyfriend and of course Dad has Mum but she is away on a dig and I have seen soap operas so I know this could all end in tears. Clara denied everything when confronted, but of course she would as she does not want me knowing that she is a home-wrecker. Speaking of which, home still not working.


February 12th
Had school medical. Think I failed. Nurse said my heart sounded odd and I said they are both fine, which they are, and then a man turned up from something called Torchwood. Dad showed up at the school and told the man (Jack, I think his name was) to shove a bleep up his bleep and go back to bleep with the rest of the bleeps. (Not sure if allowed to swear in own diary???) Jack was quite handsome but Dad said he is a Fixed Point and that I shall go blind if I so much as think about it.


February 14th
No Valentine's cards. Did not know that I wanted one until I found out about them. Feel awful. Might as well die as no one will ever love me. I shall die alone, forgotten by all but literary critics and people who enjoy fine poetry.


February 15th
Met Courtney, who is now my best friend. She has been in the TARDIS and has posters of boy bands in her room at home. I am not allowed posters of boy bands. Courtney knows a lot of swear words, I like her a lot. Perhaps some day we shall marry.


March 1st
Home is working again!!!! We are going to go to new and exciting places and I will not have to go to school anymore!!!


March 1st, additional
Home stopped working, apparently she has a virus now which is NOT MY FAULT but obviously everyone blames me because I am young and pretty. Jealousy is such an awful thing.


March 14th
Have set up sufficient number of social media accounts. Did not tell parents as they are very old-fashioned and don not understand the internet. Already have followers on Tumblr. I am going to make thoughtful posts about life and my feelings, and possibly also reblog pictures of boy bands.


March 21st
Went on school trip to Sealife Centre. I like sharks now, sharks are cool. They eat other sea animals and are basically dolphins with attitude. Asked if I could have pet shark as there is plenty of room in the library but apparently they don't like swimming pools and Mum said I can have a hamster instead. I am to take care of it and not to feed it after midnight just in case. Not sure what that means but I shall be careful at any rate.


April 1st
Awful day, as there is an Earth tradition that requires people to play cruel tricks on their friends. Girl at school said I had a spider on my leg but there was no spider she was only lying. Hate her. Hate all humans except Courtney who was off sick today and therefore did not participate in the dreadful event.


April 5th
Am doing exceptionally well in school except in subjects of little importance like PE and Biology and Social Studies. Don't understand the point of exercise that isn't running away from monsters?? Have not been doing much running away recently as Earth is BORING and nothing ever happens here.


April 12th
My hamster regenerated in the night, it is orange now. Mum said don't lie to her she is old enough to know the truth and Dad said honest dear it regenerated I don't know why you find that so hard to believe.


April 20th
Had epic flamewar on Tumblr over possibility of life on other planets and made mistake of mentioning it to parents. Am now banned from the best bits of the internet for at least ten years. I am only allowed to use it for homework or for checking the weather. This is possibly the worst day of my ENTIRE LIFE.


June 12th
Failing biology because I keep forgetting how many hearts I am supposed to have and because teacher claims that dead things are not supposed to regenerate. How can I be expected to cope with education when education is WRONG??


June 13th
Clara says that biology teacher is correct about things not regenerating. Now have to face disturbing ideas about my hamster and whether it really is the same hamster it has always been.


June 20th
Really very concerned about hamster now. I asked Dad and he explained the Facts of Life which are as follows:
1. Time Lords and hamsters can regenerate because we are a bit related. Most humans are unaware of this because they have small brains full of wrong ideas.
2. Time Lords are not allowed to date until they are a hundred and twenty-seven, otherwise they die.
3. Something about babies though I am not sure what it was as Dad went very red and started muttering something about looms???
Feel very grown-up to have been informed of these things.


July 15th
We are on holiday from school. I would have mentioned this before but I lost you down the back of the sofa. Mum found you and promised that she has not read you but would I like to talk about mortality and hamsters and things of that nature? I said no and she said that is fine and that I am to be allowed posters of boy bands in my room!!!


July 16th
Terrible argument at home, parents disagree radically about where hamsters come from and whether looms are real?? Not sure what that was all about but there were raised voices and now Dad has gone to sulk with some semi-aquatic mammals. Hope they are not getting divorced, who would get custody of me and would I still be allowed posters of boy bands?


July 30th
Dad still sulking, Mum says he had better get back soon as she has a career to think of and there is nobody who can babysit. I told her that I don't need a babysitter and she said yes you do young lady and I worked very hard to control my understandable anger at this slight. They don't appreciate that I have matured into a very sensible woman and that I should be able to make my own choices in life and etc.


August 3rd
Dad is back, finally. I do not think they are getting a divorce, there are reasons but I do not like to think about old people doing that sort of thing especially my own parents. I think they might be building a loom together. If I get a little brother or sister out of this I shall be traumatised for life.


August 16th
Still an only child, thank goodness. Clara says it is good that my parents still find each other attractive but Courtney agrees that people older than about twenty-five should not be allowed to have romantic feelings and especially they should not try to make babies. She went on to explain ACTUAL facts of life which she saw on a TV programme about rhinos. It is even more disgusting than I had believed, I shall certainly not be doing any of that at any point in my life. Announced my future childlessness to parents. Mum said I will change my mind when I get older but Dad was very happy and said he always hoped I would become a radical lesbian separatist. Not sure what one of those is but if I work hard in school perhaps I shall find out.


August 29th
Met Dad today only he was not my Dad yet and Mum said don't spoiler him about my existence so I had to pretend to be her niece. He looked at me with some suspicion but I don't think he realised that I am in fact his daughter or at least will be at some point in the past. I do not look much like him anyway he had sideburns which I do not have and also he had stupid hair. I hope I don't get stupid hair as I get older. Not entirely sure how genes work for Time Lords. I thought my accent was genetic but Mum said that Dad spent years talking at me in the hope that I would become Scottish like my gran. Have never met my gran as she lives in the past and we can't go there even if the TARDIS was working because well I am not sure but she said there were reasons.


September 2nd
Went to see the sharks again, they are still excellent. It is my birthday soon I shall put in another request for a pet shark and see what happens.


September 18th
It is my birthday and I have examined my presents and none of them is a shark. Hate my parents as they obviously do not love me. Instead of a shark I got one of those supermarket iTunes vouchers and a trowel and a pair of socks. I also got Scrabble but I am not allowed to use it to construct swear words so what is the point of it? I look upon these possessions as the pathetic trifles that they are. I think I shall shun my parents and never speak to either of them again for the rest of my lives.


September 20th
It is very difficult to live with people and not talk to them ever. I was forced to resort to mime at breakfast to get milk for my cornflakes. I think mime is allowed as it is not speaking, but it makes Dad very angry for some reason so perhaps it is best avoided anyway. Mum said why aren't you talking to us surely you knew you weren't going to get a shark for your birthday. I looked at her very sternly and then that was the end of that conversation.


September 29th
We are once again on speaking terms even though I am still sharkless. Really it was getting a bit much anyway having to not speak all the time. Still I believe my silence spoke volumes and I hope they are sufficiently awed by my determination and so forth. Parents very pleased that I am once again communicating with them and I am to be allowed one social media account which I am thinking about very seriously because which one do I need most?


October 1st
I am back on Tumblr but I am not allowed to post pictures of anything alien. This is fine as I have decided to devote my blog to social justice which is when you shout at people for being offensive and oppressive and I think I shall be very good at that as my parents are both very good at bringing down corrupt regimes and surely reblogging gifs is much the same thing? I expect there will be not a government left by the end of the week but I am sure that justice will prevail after the inevitable short period of anarchy. Not really sure of details though as parents always make sure to leave liberated planets before stable system of government has been devised.


October 5th
Am once again BANNED from Tumblr, as Dad mentioned Sea Devils in passing and I told him that I would not put up with such offensive out-dated terminology when he of all people should know better and he said what was I blathering on about and I told him in no uncertain terms that he is an oppressive cog in the brutal system of imperialist exploitation, which is proved especially by the fact that I have to be in bed by ten o'clock and am not allowed on Twitter. Well he reacted badly to my attempts to correct his problematic behaviour and now as I said I am not allowed on Tumblr. Will give him some time to calm down and then ask Mum as what are two parents for if not to be played one against the other??


October 11th
Still banned. Mum says Tumblr is full of inaccurate posts about history and I said well maybe if people didn't keep changing the past then other people might find it easier to remember what really did actually happen. She was unimpressed and refused to lift the oppressive ban on my internet activities. Realise now that they have never truly loved me. One day they will regret how they have treated me.


October 14th
Met myself as a baby and almost destroyed the entire world. Feel a bit bad about that but Mum says it could happen to anyone but really how many people meet themselves as babies? My life is uniquely difficult and harsh. It is a good thing I am strong-willed and frighteningly intelligent or I would be upset about it all.


November 10th
Dear Diary, I thought I had lost you again but I found you in my parents room I think they might have read you in which case we shall have to have a confrontation about my right to privacy. I shall never recover if it turns out they have read my most secret thoughts and feelings.


November 11th
Well they had indeed read you and I expressed my hurt and anger and they said you are only a child you will understand these things better when you are older and well I am not a child I am very mature for my age and I threatened to run away to become an oceanographer and now I am not allowed out of the TARDIS except to go to school. I wish I was dead I have nothing to live for now.


November 14th
Still grounded, still mired in the relentless awfulness of life. Wish I was a shark I bet they do not have to deal with these things.


December 4th
Okay they have one last chance to get me a shark and then I am definitely leaving home if I don't get one. I have promised to work extra hard in school and to do things around the house like clean the blue stabilisers and take out the bins. I have given them the very finalest ultimatum and if they keep treating me like a child I shall never have anything to do with them ever again.


December 24th
Found some presents under my parents' bed. None of them are shark-shaped. I fear this may be the end, dearest diary.


December 25th
WELL when I woke up I went to the tree and there were no sharks but then I went outside and we were at the Sealife Centre and home is working again and apparently they had been keeping that as a surprise and I chose a shark and it is not to live with us but I can visit sometimes and look at it. I accepted this as better than nothing and was very happy and everything was great until they said I am going to get a little brother and oh my God that means they must have had sex with each other quite recently I think I am going to be sick, plus I have a new diary now so I suppose that is the end of the line for me and you as diaries do not regenerate. Well it has been quite a day I suppose it will make a good scene for my autobiography which I am still planning to write. All the best and a happy Christmas to all of you at home.