My punishment

by trouble seeker [Reviews - 214]

Printer Chapter or Story
  • Adult
  • BDSM, Explicit Sex, Explicit Violence, Non-Con
  • Angst, Drama, Horror, Hurt/Comfort

Author's Notes:
All right. storytime. The day after I posted chapter 104, I got my marks back from the uni courses I'm taking. I managed to fail 5 of them, one so badly I got a 5 out of 20. I hadn't expected 5 (I knew one of them would be a bust, turns out that one was a 9). I was crushed. I didn't really recognize it for what it was at the moment, but I had a breakdown. Everything I did was bad, everything I touched was crap ... you know the drill. I actually scrapped this and the next chapter, and even threw out the hard copies I write before typing them up. Luckily for me (and this story) I have an amazing boyfriend who noticed and coaxed me back out into the open. He started me on drawing again - bought me a next sketchbook - made me go for walks with our dogs (pup is doing great by the way, he's getting really big) and pushed a pen in my hand and told me to write. He told me it wouldn't be bad, and after a while I was clear enough to notice that he was right. I saw that while I may not be the best at anything, I didn't suck. I didn't ruin things by breathing near them. The exams were an unlucky step, but I've got the chance to redo them (4, not going to overdo myself again) in a week (18.24.25.7). I've been studying, and I know I'll do better (I hope, but who knows). I rewrote this, and I'm happy with it. I don't know when I'll have the time to get 106 out, but rest assured that my fragile little mind has bitten down on it again, and I'm not letting it go.


Ianto stared for at least a full minute, heavy breaths puffing right against the cock in front of him. Keeping Jack more than interested as the boy weighed his options. The captain was sure that any second now, trained reason would return to the younger man, and he'd have a begging mess on the floor. That, and an erection that could split rocks - which would be ignored.

Except Ianto seemed to think he had other options after all. And he decided on one with a growl that bordered on desperate. Cursing loudly, Jack's hands flew down to clutch in soft curls. It took more than a couple of deep sucking bobs that made his head spin, till he managed to release his boy's hair again.

No direction. Fuck. No direction.

Ianto didn't seem to mind the hands leaving again, keeping up the blowjob as he readjusted his body. First stretching out more on the couch, only to curl in closer again so the boy could push up on his hands to get more movement in his neck.

Jack didn't know what to expect, but he didn't expect Ianto to pull off of him with a lurid slurp after a long moment of pure bliss buried deep inside his boy's throat. They'd never interrupted blowjobs before, and the captain groaned at the sudden loss. In one swift motion, Ianto was off the couch and on his knees in between Jack's spread legs. Even if he hadn't vowed to let his boy do as he pleased, Jack would have been too stunned to react. The same nimble fingers that had torn away his trousers, set to work on the row of buttons down his front. Expertly, each was pushed through its hole, and Jack groaned while Ianto uttered clipped little whimpers.

Back to multitasking, his boy leant in and licked long heated stripes up his master's cock as he opened up the buttons. Mute — except for a couple of happy grunting noises — the captain watched. Watched Ianto lick, and suckle at him while he got him undressed. It felt a bit surreal, having his boy completely dressed as he himself was divested of his clothes. Usually it was the other way round, with him barely bothering to undress before taking what he desired from the nude man at his fingertips.

Fingers fanned up his stomach to push the now opened shirt aside, and Jack couldn’t help arching up into the touch. Lower brain eager to help Ianto move forward, Jack sprung into action and pulled both the shirt, and the t-shirt below off in one go. Tossing it aside, he toed off his shoes and socks and shook his trousers completely away as well. Blessedly nude, he settled back down, and waited.

Would Ianto even continue now that he'd moved on his own accord? Had he broken the spell? Jack let his eyes close, opening them almost instantly again with a clipped curse.

"Fuck."

God no his boy wasn't backing down. Instead, Ianto took full advantage of his newly bared chest, and just about jumped into his master's lap; nuzzling against his collarbone. Lithe tongue slipping from between parted lips to lick and suck at the overheated skin. Meandering slowly from Jack's chest, to his nipples. Head still heavy, Jack let it fall back with a sigh.

He had to be dreaming. This was too good to be true.

The boy took his time, lapping at each of his nipples like they tasted better than the meal he'd just about moaned his was through. Sucking them languidly between plump lips softly. Not once did teeth scrape harder than the barest touches. Ianto was doing his very best to make this pleasurable; keeping far away from anything that could be compared to pain.

Breathing heavily, Ianto curled his hands around Jack's hips and rubbed against Jack's chest — and pebbly nipples — like a cat in the heat. Writhing in his master's lap, the boy let his lips find Jack's neck again. Only to moan in distaste when his own chest failed to make contact with Jack's, thwarted by his own wardrobe. Ianto moaned as he pushed up into Jack's chest and groin, unable to find the sensation he seemed to crave. Needy, the boy found words, panting them out against his master's neck.

"Please, sir. Please_ please let me. God please."

Jack groaned and gripped Ianto's waist to keep him still. It was hard enough to talk with living sex in your lap, let alone when it was grinding down on him in all the right ways. It seemed his boy was still very much running on some twisted autopilot. While pleasuring his owner was somehow allowed, removing the clothes Jack had told him to wear wasn't. He gently shushed the writhing man, unwilling to see him in distress when he could prevent it.

"Of course, Ianto. Whatever you want, boy."

Moaning his gratitude, Ianto managed to slither out of his clothes in seconds. Jack wasn't sure how his boy even managed it. One instant fully dressed ,and the next as nude as he could get without taking off his collar or the cuffs. He didn't even get up off his owner's lap completely, just wriggled enticingly.

Jack gasped at the sudden skin on skin contact. Unable to resist, he grabbed Ianto's hips again, and ground his boy down onto him. Fuck, it was too good not to thrust up against that willing body. Leaving his lower body for Jack to control, Ianto happily licked his way back into the hollow of Jack's neck.

Eventually, Jack managed to stop moving Ianto's groin for him, slowing his thrusts and loosening his hold on those still too bony hips. Rubbing his thumbs across them, Jack felt the muscle that had started building up around the bone. He knew it would take time for them to fill out even more. At last, he let his hands fall back to his sides, tilting his head back in surrender; letting Ianto take control again.

He wasn't sure if Ianto would accept it. The boy seemed perfectly happy sucking light kisses into his owner's clavicle. Not hard enough to mark — claiming the older man that way probably too much for the boy to handle — but enough to let Jack hope that one day Ianto would use teeth and suction to show the rest of the world just how free he was.

The captain needn't have worried. The second Jack let go of the proverbial reigns again, his boy recognised that his master had taken a step back. Slowly undulating his hips on his own accord; letting their cocks brush together leisurely.

Licking even lower, Ianto had to adjust his seating, arching his back and arse back and out. It let his seeking tongue twirl all the way down to Jack's bellybutton. Dipping inside for the most fleeting of moments.

But the younger man had a target, and it was even lower down. He shifted again till he was barely balancing on the edge of the couch on his knees, back arched out to allow his spine the room to bend low. Jack took in the vast expanse of pale skin spread out in his lap as moist pressure returned to his cock; the beautiful expanse of Ianto's writhing back that plumped up into the boy's arse.

No, he couldn't close his eyes now. Not when this was available to burn onto his retinas.

When the younger man let his entire back flex along with his head, Jack caught sight of another element in play. Between flushed cheeks — Ianto's blush was spreading, he hadn't spanked his boy hard enough that it would still visible — the bright blue of the plug stood proudly. Mesmerised, Jack reached out to trace the thick, flared base.

Ianto reacted at once, melting forward. It forced Jack's cock deep into his throat, and gave his owner easier access to his arse. The captain took advantage of the position, pushing the plug a bit deeper, and then again when Ianto's moan vibrated deliciously around his cock.

Jack fucked his boy like this for a while, loving the way Ianto moaned; the way he lost his rhythm when Jack kept going. By the time he finally let up, Ianto's back was covered in a sheer layer of sweat and he was sucking in ragged breaths as he valiantly tried to keep sucking. Laughing, the captain let his hand drop again, stopping only to card his fingers through sweaty curls.

Ianto looked up at him, letting Jack's cock slip from red swollen lips. The abandoned member twitched at the sight. His boy's eyes blown and black as he stared. They did nothing but look into each others' eyes for a while, both regaining their breath. Ianto was obviously waiting for something, practically begging for whatever he wanted with his eyes. But Jack just stared, waiting for Ianto to either take what he wanted or ask for it. Or beg. Begging was always an option too.

It took longer for the boy to crack than before. Ianto's unhappiness at being clothed not nearly as heavy on the scale of things in Jack's power as the plug was. But the boy wanted something. Whimpering, he stared and stared and stared. Only to let his eyes go all big and sad before bowing his head back to his master's cock. Ianto wasn't going to ask; he'd given up.

Jack intercepted his boy's head, cupping his throat and pulling him back up again. The captain let the other man see his smile, softening his eyes and posture. He needed Ianto to know he wasn't upset at all before he started speaking.

"Good boy's can ask for things they want."

This time he was ready for the disbelief mixed with fear. This time it didn't make is heart clench tightly. This time he smiled warmly at his boy to encourage him to articulate his wants, and it was almost completely natural.

It didn't hurt. It wasn't allowed to. He'd done this to himself.

"I-- Please. I–God-- Please, please."

Somehow keeping up the eye contact while he balanced precariously on the edge on the couch, Ianto struggled to find the words he needed. It was endearing to watch him, cheeks and lips flushed bright red; floundering.

Jack wanted to kiss those lips. Wanted to draw Ianto in and promise to give him all he ever wanted. Wanted to do a lot of things, but he wasn't allowed to. He stayed put, smiling and waiting.

"Please, can I take it out?"

How Ianto managed the sudden full sentence, Jack had no idea. But now that the question had been asked he could move. He could surge up and wrap his arms around Ianto, pulling him up into a kiss. It was wonderful to be able to hold him like this. Proud, and loving the strength it took to ask for things he wanted.

"Such a good boy asking me. My marvellous boy."

The marvellous boy in question was shocked and mute as the praise washed over him.

"You're the one who asked for a reminder. You think you're ok without it you can take it out whenever you want."

When Ianto's hands moved — one to the plug, the other to the thick collar — Jack's smile wavered. Ianto didn't trust him. Didn't trust that there would be no pain the second he started pulling at the plug. His boy was far from fearless — probably more fear filled than anyone else Jack knew — but that didn't make him any less courageous. With a clicking, dry swallow, the younger man grabbed at the plug and pulled.

Staring at the blue rubber like it was a holy relic, Ianto blinked stupidly. He'd removed a plug before, but that had been on a semi order; Jack had told him he wanted the plug gone. This was Ianto deciding he didn't need the reminder anymore, or at least that he wanted sex more than he wanted the reminder. This was the boy acting on his own desire. No matter how much he probably thought his owner wanted sex — he was too hard and naked to argue his way out of that assumption — removing that thick rubber bulb was his choice. No orders, no different interpretations possible here.

This was big.

Jack took the plug away, claiming Ianto's lips. It provided the distraction Ianto needed, hands returning to the captain's jaw and surrendering to the kiss easily. Big as the step had been, Jack didn't want to rest on it for too long, lest the boy found fault in it. Instead, he led him right back to what he'd been frantically engaged in. Lust.

When Jack pulled back out of the kiss later, Ianto wasn't thinking about his previous choices anymore. Instead, he blindly took advantage of his miraculously open arse. Rolling his hips up and up and up, till Jack could feel the tip of his cock brushing that tantalising furl of muscles. His cock wanted to do nothing more than push up and crawl its way up into that welcoming, warm entrance.

Thankfully, Jack still had plenty of blood pumping around in his primary head. He squeezed big handfuls of plumping arse cheeks. It allowed him to prop Ianto up high enough so that he couldn't sink down, while keeping the contact sexual enough to assure Ianto his advances weren't being turned down.

Still, the boy squirmed in his containing grasp, mewling as he tried to slide down. Unhappy with the arrested development. Ianto's expression so openly petulant, Jack couldn't help the full body laugh. Shaking with the sudden onset of hilarity, Ianto brushed down against his cock a couple of times, which only made the boy's expression shift between 'child who's been set free in a candy store unsupervised' and ' baby who's treat just got taken away'.

Fighting for his own control — this was serious damnit — Jack pulled Ianto up against his chest. Smothering the last of his giggles in the curve of his boy's neck.

"I think you'd prefer some lube for that. No?"

Ianto looked at him curiously, promptly reaching back between his spread cheeks and sliding two fingers inside of himself. Watching the entire thing, Jack groaned in open want. The boy fingered himself slowly, stretching the digits apart as he tested the readiness of his hole.

Ianto would still be a bit slick from the lube he'd used for the plug. But it would never be enough for comfortable sex. Jack hoped his boy would come to the same conclusion. If Ianto insisted he was fine to fuck as was, he'd pretty much be expected to go along with it. This was all about giving the younger man choices after all. He'd go along with whatever he wanted.

Luckily, Ianto pulled his fingers back with a twist, and turned his glazed eyes back to his owner with the request for lube. It was more into the range of begging, but it was a request nonetheless. Jack carefully deposited his boy on the couch next to him, striding away to retrieve the bottle he'd slipped into his trouser pocket while he got the food.

Turning back, he found Ianto exactly as he'd left him, hope written all over his pretty face. Had the boy thought he'd be left alone for daring to ask for lube? Jack shook the thoughts away like an irritating fly. Dropping down in his recently vacated spot, and tossed the lube to the other man before settling back into position. Once more giving Ianto the opportunity to back down or take what he wanted.

Greedily, he watched Ianto take the bottle and liberally coat his fingers before reaching back and sliding them home — three at once. He watched as Ianto played with himself, smearing the sticky substance around his rim and as far inside as he could reach.

Not that Ianto spent too much time prepping himself, or drawing out his own pleasure. The younger man was back in Jack's lap before he could fully appreciate the sight of Ianto sprawled out on the couch speared on his own fingers.

Frantic.

That was the adjective that best described the boy in his lap. Rushed movements that only relaxed into stillness when Ianto had himself resting right against Jack's cock again. Without any further prompting, Ianto braced himself on Jack's shoulders and let his thighs lower himself down gently. Eyes shut in ecstasy, the boy didn't stop moving till he bottomed out, firmly held in place by the cock in his arse.

Jack panted harshly at the sudden heat clenching around his cock. It was an onslaught to his senses, and he gripped at Ianto's arse, keeping the boy close. It stopped the other man from bouncing too much, but Ianto seemed intent on moving any way he could; grinding forward and back insistently.

The rest of the evening blurred together. From the fucking, to the clean-up. Jack wasn't sure of the details, except for some memorable snapshots. His boy throwing his head back as he rode him, moaning his pleasure to the world as he came all over Jack' s stomach, his own orgasm suddenly diminished in the light of Ianto's.

Their positions changing, Ianto throwing himself on the couch with his arse high in invitation, and again, with Ianto on his back. He lost track of who came when, and how many times.

Picking up his boy — unresponsive as a child up past its bead time. Passing a warm washcloth over every inch of skin he could find, soiled with come or not. Tucking the already sleeping man under the sheets of the large bed in the training room. Staring at the mess of curls as he drifted off to sleep.

Yes, it had been a good day.

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Ianto woke slower than he had in months. He felt wonderful.

With a sigh, the boy curled deeper into the blankets draped around him. While it was a strange feeling in and of itself, he felt too nice to think about the niggling fear. It was so rare that he felt good, he would enjoy it while it lasted.

Later, he'd realise he was still half asleep, happy hormones still coursing through his body and clouding his thoughts. Had he been awake, he'd have noticed at once that he had no right to the feelings. All he knew at the moments, was that it smelled like master, and fresh laundry. A scent he wanted to burry himself in. He wanted nothing more than to roll around and never leave the comfort of this seemingly safe space.

That on its own should have been the clue that told him this wasn't normal. A clue he missed entirely, focussing instead on soft fabric and warmth. Dimly aware that he was alone in the bed; something that made him feel a bit sad. He felt so nice, if only Jack were to join him, he'd be in heaven.

As he woke up more fully, Ianto realised where he was. The enormous bed down in the training room. Soft sheets he'd washed a couple of days ago; on the bed long enough to just infuse with Jack's musk while still hanging on to the fabric softener's perfume. Awake enough to stay put — he stayed where Jack had placed him — instead of following the impulse to roll around, the boy blinked lazily.

The lights were on, but not all of them. Leaving the room more than visible, without blinding him. A high A-frame, padded with dark leather closest to him. He could make out other single purpose furniture to the side, but what caught the bulk of his attention was the large bench that held a lot of Jack's tools, and the man standing in front of it.

As he stared fondly at his master's muscular back, Ianto became more and more aware of the pleasure still curling lazily through his body. The happy memories of pleasure, interlaced with wondering thoughts about what Jack was tinkering with.

Most of the tools contained there, had the primary function of serving him the pain he deserved to feel. There were paddles, whips, and things he didn't recognise. All varying from innocent looking and mundane to terrifying. He especially feared a wicked looking paddle with cut-outs and rounded studs. If Jack ever used that on him, he doubted he'd be able to kneel normally for a long time.

Was Jack going to hurt him? It was his prerogative after all. Any time Jack wanted him to scream, he'd sing like a bird.

But he felt too good to instantly know what he could have done to deserve punishment. While Jack did sometimes just hurt him for the fun of it, most of the time his pain served some other purpose.

Statistically speaking, he'd failed in some way. But how?

He let his mind walk back, forcing himself to remember more than just the vague knowledge of fucking.

Slowly he relived the memories. How he'd been fed by Jack, taking bite after bite from his hand. How he'd slowly lost his mind over the flavours and textures; sucking the sauce from his owner's fingers. It had been so good. He'd wanted to give something back.

Then he'd been sucking Jack's cock as enthusiastically as he'd sucked the older man's fingers. Followed by sex.

Except … Jack hadn't been the one to initiate the more carnal pleasures -- He had.

He had pulled his owner's cock out from its confines and sucked it down his throat. He had decided he wanted Jack naked. He had stripped the other man down to his skin. He had taken his pleasure.

The pleasant buzz that was the aftermath of his own sexual suicide vanished as he started to recognise the scale of punishment he was in for. The boy could feel the colour drain from his face. There were few things that would be bad enough to teach him his place. The paddle he feared would be a pleasant warm-up.

What had he done?

He'd been thinking with his own cock, instead of his master's — that's what he'd done. He'd be lucky if Jack still wanted him as his boy after this. He'd be lucky if he was still whole.

God. He wouldn't be, would he? The boy's entire body tightened, hairs raising high in some primal attempt to shield.

Castration had been a repeated threat as he was trained. Jack had let him off easy the last time he placed his own pleasure above that of those he served. Slaves didn't get second or third chances. He'd known how lucky he'd been when Jack hadn't torn away the last bit of his humanity in favour of his screams of terror and pain.

Before the true horror of his situation managed to set in, Jack turned away from the bench. Ianto cowered down into the blankets, clutching at the sheets in his haste to remember how it felt to be up in the light; he'd need the comfort of the memories soon enough. He didn't try to pretend he was still sleeping. That would be a lie — he knew how lies were punished.

Adding another mistake to the storm cloud already brewing over his head seemed inconsequential, but he didn't want to fail again. He already failed so often. The boy forced air back into his lungs. He had to breathe.

Perhaps he could still show his master that he wasn't a completely lost cause. He could beg for an alternative. Show his willingness to suffer for his mistakes. It probably wouldn't work, but if he had even the slimmest chance of saving his bollocks, he'd take it.

The mattress dipped as the older man sat down next to him. The boy kept his eyes down, unwilling to look and see what Jack was holding. A knife? The rubber bands that were too humane before? He didn't know when or where to start, but when a gentle hand ran through his hair, the words burst from him without any consent of his own.

"Please, sir. Please use the cage."

Panicked, he bit down on his lower lip; effectively caging his wayward tongue. The hand on his head stayed its petting.

"And why would I do that?"

It wasn't a straight up no. And it was better than he'd expected. God, he still had a chance. The boy used up the last of his breath to fore out as many words as possible.

"I'll be better, sir. I can still learn. Please. The cage will help me learn."

Above him, Jack sighed, and Ianto knew he'd lost something. He wasn't sure if whatever it was, were his bollocks, but something had slipped through his fingers. He tensed even further when his owner stood to counter the sway of the mattress. The hand stayed in his hair for a bit longer, like Jack didn't know what to do.

Not that his master was ever anything but completely in control, of course. But his slave's request might be compelling him to take a different path. The boy trembled at the thought of the cage.

God, he'd hated the torturous object. Hated every single second it had been locked around him. Hated every moment he'd worn it. And of course he'd mourn the loss of his cock; the pleasure he'd been briefly allowed. But the loss of his testicles would be on another scale … and permanent.

The cage left him sexually frustrated, but singularly focussed on the needs of others. Since his own pleasure was locked away from him, the only way he could get close to an orgasm, was to help someone else reach it. Still, at the very core of it all he was still himself.

Castration would change him forever. Just because he couldn't act on what his hormones demanded, didn't mean they shaped him as a person.

The older man patted him forcefully, and walked away; his boy straining to follow the sound of his footsteps without moving an inch. The creak of a chair, maybe the couch. He held his breath.

"Come here, Ianto."

The captain sounded resigned. The boy swallowed past the lump in his throat, and let his numbing body slip from between the sheets and onto the floor. He didn't even think about walking to his owner's side, automatically crawling. His head bowed in pathetic submission, body as low as he dared keep it. He'd slither on the floor like a worm if he didn't think it would slow him down, which was equally unacceptable. All he could do was show his master that he was already broken.

Spotting his master's feet, he couldn't resist tapping his forehead against them for a fleeting second before spreading up and open into position; glad to finally be able to tuck his chin against his chest. The plush carpet at Jack's feet seemed too good for the likes of him, but he belonged wherever Jack was, so he tried not to focus on how nice it was.

"So you want me to put the cage back on you?"

"Yes, sir."

The boy — Jack hadn't said he wasn't one anymore, not yet — was proud of how level his voice was. He closed his eyes as Jack got comfortable on the couch — was there any other reason for him to be wriggling around on the smooth leather? It was very much what he wanted. Fuck. He'd lock his insolent appendage away himself if that was what it took.

"Explain your reasoning, please."

So he hadn't lost the chance after all! Jack had merely wanted a more comfortable place to sit as he listened. Ianto nodded. Too busy pushing back his fear — and any other wayward emotion he could find — to notice the polite 'please'. Emotions would hinder him here, he needed to be concise.
"I was selfishly focused on my own pleasure. I didn't wait or beg for permission and acted on my own wishes without any form of reason. I know I'm not allowed wants of my own. I know I exist solely to serve others or - or I suffer. I chased an orgasm I had no right to. I moved on my own without direction. I know I called punishment down on my head with my behaviour. I know I will have to suffer before any sort of forgiveness is possible. And... And I will accept all that you do to me. I will obey. I need you to know that I will obey. I. Please. I just beg you to use the cage as part of the punishment. It will keep my foolish desires in check without - I'm still capable of learning, sir. I've only been out of the cage for so long. Please, I — I wasn't thinking right. Maybe I wasn't ready yet. If I'm caged. I was confused."

He gasped for breath in his sudden haste to explain himself. He had no idea how long Jack would permit him to speak. Carefully repressed emotion bled through as he kept talking.

"I will be more careful to remember my place if you ever see fit to uncage me again, sir. I'll learn. I'll be good. I'll be better. I wasn't focussed on your pleasure anymore, stupidly following my own. If I can't come I'll know where my needs lie. I won't be confused anymore. I am capable of being what you wish. I am. Please I am. If you only let me show you my loyalty."

He would have continued to plead, promise, and apologise for much longer if Jack hadn't raised his hand. He'd kept his gaze locked low , but the motion was visible enough in his peripheral. The boy lapsed into silence. Staring intently at the feet of his judge, jury, and executioner. The captain opened his mouth and inhaled sharply; Ianto tensed in anticipation.

"I'm not going to cage you, Ianto. I'm not locking your dick away again."

And just like that, so gently and calmly, his master passed the sentence that would pluck away the last of his humanity. Ianto's face fell in despair, mouth working around unspoken syllables. He'd be castrated. He was going to lose that final part of himself. A eunuch with no pleasure of his own to even dream of. He had to grip his neck tight, to stop himself from shaking. There was no point in begging for mercy; he wasn't worthy of it anyway. But perhaps there were other things he could beg for.

His voice was a lost cause, breaking oddly.

"Please. I accept it. But --"

Was there even anything left to lose? All his hard work made redundant in one stupid, reckless night. Could talking sink him any deeper into trouble? He took the plunge.

"I know it won't be freely given. Please."

Ianto forced himself to breathe, managing little more than shallow pulls of air.

"Is there anything I can do to earn … I swear I'll do anything. I swear I will. Please."

He glanced up, and saw his owner's brow furrow. It was now or never, and he'd already stepped too far out to pretend he hadn't spoken.

"Please let me have something for the pain, sir. Please! I'll do anything you ask of me. I beg of you. Anaesthetics."

Eyes still canted upward, Ianto saw something that looked either like disgust or horror - perhaps both — cross the captain's face. His tone was equally dark.

"Ianto!"

The boy instantly knew he'd crossed a line he shouldn't have even tried to toe. He deserved all the pain, horror, and degradation Jack could throw at him. He wasn't even allowed to flee into his own mind for God's sake. How could he think painkillers would suddenly go anywhere near him? Panicked, he threw himself at Jack's feet. Pressing his heated forehead against the bare toes; his fingers stroking reverently in twitching passes.

"I'm sorry. I accept the full punishment. Please, I'll even watch. I'll stay awake for you. I will. I'll take it all. I swear I will! Please forgive me."

The captain took the hands clawing at his legs, and held them tightly. Somehow much less punishing than he'd expected. Ianto didn't bother trying to stop his tears.

"Please. I'll be good for you. I swear I will. I'm sorry I asked. I won't do it again. I'll never ask again. Please."

He didn't risk looking up, just hung from the solid grip on his wrists as he tried to talk sense. God he was stupid. Should have just kept his mouth shut. Should just stop talking altogether. Should have known to keep his mind about him. So, so stupid.

"Please. Please let me prove myself. I can be better. I can still learn. I swear. Please."

He lapsed into reasonable silence when his master shushed him. The tears didn't slow though, dripping slowly from his cheeks to the carpet. As he watched the deep red darken further, he was sorry for the temporary stains he was causing. He hiccoughed and tried to regain some form of composure. He'd just promised he'd be better. He had to be able to walk — or crawl — to his fate with some form of pride. It wouldn't do for Jack to have to drag him to his doom a crying, screaming mess.

His fevered thoughts were arrested, when Jack reached down and grabbed his jaw tightly, using it to drag his up and off the safety usually found at his master's feet. He'd fucked up so bad right now. Isolation looming darkly in his future, he tried to balance his weight so Jack didn't have to hold it all. He'd lost control again. He should have known better. The panic that had found its way around his defences faded into a numb haze. All he had now was his surrender.

"Calm down for me."

The command in the older man's voice would have done the trick, even if he hadn't already started letting go of everything moment before. It was better when he was nothing more than an empty shell for Jack to fill.

"You've reached a conclusion. You think you know what's going to happen."

Ianto nodded within the tight grip.

"Tell me."

It was no longer hard to keep his voice steady. Just the facts. Plain and simple.

"I lost control of my actions and chased my own pleasure like … like a dog humping his owner's leg because it doesn't know any better. A dog like that is ___ Ia m to be castrated."

The last of the negative emotions bled away. It was a relief to get it out of his head and into the air. His eyes relaxed, and a faint smile twitched onto his features. He didn't have to fight it anymore. Once it was done, losing his humanity would no longer loom over every task. There would still be failure, and punishment — he'd proven he couldn't just be good — but he wouldn't be trying to remain human anymore There was freedom in there for him. There was peace in his surrender.

The pressure on his jaw eased up, and the boy let the thought that perhaps he'd been good slip through? It didn't seem as important as before, in his newly in his newly empty world. Jack sighed, and the thought fled. Leaving Ianto with emptiness again. A void that only his master could fill; perhaps with pain.

"Oh Ianto."

The captain's free hand moved with the one holding him up to cradle his face. The kind touch was nice, but his master's previous firm strength had grounded him more securely. An empty mind barely held back from drifting.

"I should have known. Should've asked. Or at least told you — anything."

Ianto smiled at his master's voice. The words meant very little to him, but the melody soothed him. The hands pulled him forward, and he moved with them. And suddenly, Jack was kissing him. The sweet sensation filled him to the brim. It waned again, when the captain pulled back, but the boy knew it had coloured his cheeks.

"Come here."

Still floating on the kiss, Ianto moved.