Blame in Death

by Astroskylark [Reviews - 3]

  • All Ages
  • None
  • Angst, Character Study, Missing Scene

The Doctor stood alone in his TARDIS, listening to her melancholy hum and wondering how he had come to this point, where every one of his friends were willing to die for him but none of them were willing to come back to him at the end of the day. He thought of the people they had once been, before he’d found them and shown them the wonders, the horrors, of the universe, and wondered if they were better for it.

They all had someone else, and they always would, because he burned like ice and soothed like fire, and they would never come to him. Donna was dead, and Rose was dead, along with his other self, and the Master was dead, along with the rest of his race, and his planet, and everyone else was just gone. They all looked but they never saw, when all he’d been looking for was someone strong enough to know that “I’m fine, I’m always fine,” meant the opposite.

He hadn’t blamed Martha for wanting more than he could ever give, but he’d blamed her for leaving. He hadn’t blamed Jack for loving him, either, at least not at first, but he’d blamed him when that love hadn’t faded for a hundred years, because he didn’t deserve that. He hadn’t blamed his duplicate for killing the Daleks, but he’d blamed him for trying to save his original the agony of doing so himself. And he’d blamed Rose just a little bit when his other self told her they loved her because he hadn’t gotten the chance to tell her himself.

He’d blamed Donna for begging him not to take her memories, but he’d have blamed himself more had she died to the rest of the world, and not just to himself. He’d blamed her a lot more when she didn’t recognize him afterwards, when she didn’t even care he was leaving forever, but he hadn’t stayed angry for long because he didn’t have the strength.

“I can’t take this anymore,” he tells himself. The first room he finds is his bedroom, and he starts to cry when the TARDIS tells him to ask someone, anyone, to come back.

He feels something shift in the room as the TARDIS retreats from his mind. She feels him break just a little bit more, and doesn’t bother trying not to cry when she realizes there’s no one left to hear.