A Chat With A Cat

by ValW [Reviews - 1]

  • Teen
  • Swearing
  • Humor

Author's Notes:
Inspired by my mixed feelings about a neighbour’s kitten. It’s at that stage between being cute and becoming a nuisance.

“I am not a cat hater at all. Cats are fine in their place, which is in their own homes, not traipsing all over my garden, spraying up my runner beans!”

“Not my fault if you live on my manor. I gotta patrol, I gotta protect, I gotta check out my pussies. Man, there is some well-fit pussies on my patch. What’s a cat to do but get his big, barbed bad boy out and make those pussies scream across town? D’ya get me, bruv?”

“Ugh. At least tell me you’ve been neutered.”

“Tcha! Ain’t no vet gonna mess with my pride and joy. If the pussy don’t want kitten, pussy can get herself spayed, innit?”

“Right, and you’re never going to get Feline AIDS.”

“My pussies ain’t no skanks. Besides, them scientists, they say in 500 years’ time catkind will have evolved enough to breed wit’ your women.”


“Serious! Just think, my great-great-great grandson, your great-great-great granddaughter…”

“It doesn’t bear thinking about.”

“Relax, man! You and me both, we’ll be well over Rainbow Bridge by that time. It ain’t worth getting your claws out.”

“But tell me, why does so much of ‘patrolling your manor’ involve lurking behind my rockery and bullying my sparrows? I spend a fortune on that bird table. I turn my back for two minutes and you turn my lawn into a sea of feathers.”

“Hey, if them birds are that bothered about it they should have evolved faster than us. It ain’t my fault if them birds are more stupider than me.”

“I wouldn’t mind if you just stuck to catching mice. In fact if you could get those vermin from under my shed I’d even pay you for it.”

“Woah, just because I’m a cat it don’t mean I want to be no pest controller. I got ambitions, man.”

“Hmm, I suppose there’ll always be a place for your sort in showbiz.”

“Yeah, right, if the only part you ever want to play is Puss In Boots. Why can’t a cat be the main man, the action hero? We can do all that To Be Or Not To Be shit, innit? Yeah, a cat can do any job a human can. A cat’ll be president one day, you’ll see.”

“So where are all these high flying business cats, then?”

“People don’t want to give us no jobs, do they? You can have all the qualifications in the world, you can slick your fur down real nice, you walk in the interview and they just say ‘I’d love to give you a job but I’m allergic.’ Yeah, allergic spelled R-A-C-I-S-T. Of course, them’s just the cowards. The real upfront ones come out and say ‘you can’t work here, it’s unhygienic.’ Tcha! I’m not dirty, I lick myself all over three times a day.”

“I don’t see why you’d even want a job. You’ve got humans to look after you.”

“I don’t want to be no kept cat all my life. I want to make my own way. Get some money in my wallet and go feral.”

“Oh well, I’m sure there’s plenty to be made in dealing catnip.”

“Hey, don’t diss the catnip. It’s just a herb. Our Lord Ceiling Cat gave us all the herbs to enjoy. It just makes me mellow, unlike that alcohol you humans pour down your neck. Anyway bruv, as much as I’m enjoying the scintillating conversation, I’ve been out of the house a full half hour and now I need my beauty sleep. Mmmm, the roof of your car looks well-cosy, innit?”

“Don’t even think about it.”

“Nah, I’m pullin’ your tail, bruv. I’ll see you around sometime. Peace.”

“Goodbye. Oi! If you’re that evolved, open the gate, don’t jump over my fence!”