There were things in his en-suite bathroom. Womanly things. Womanly things that smelled... quite pleasant, actually, but that wasn't the point. There was an extra toothbrush, an oddly-shaped pink thing that was probably a razor, a bottle of make-up remover, and a box of tampons had appeared next to the box he kept around on the off-chance that he regenerated into a woman.

He pulled a face at the mirror and emerged back into his bedroom. "Have you moved into my bathroom?"

River was filing her nails on the bed. She didn't look up. "Just a few odds and ends."

"Don't you want a bathroom of your own? I've got plenty of them lying about the place."

She shrugged. "That one's the nearest." She finally looked up at him. "You might want to try using some of my conditioner."

"I'd smell like a girl," said the Doctor, managing not to touch his own hair. There was nothing wrong with his hair, it didn't need any more chemicals in it. He slid into bed and sat up as something poked into his back. He reached around and produced a bottle of bright red nail-polish.

River reached over and took it from him as he frowned at it. "Oh, I wondered where that had got to. Thanks."

"This is my bed," he protested, hoping it didn't sound too much like a whine.

"Our bed."

"No, mine. I just let you share it because I... like you."

River turned to him with her eyebrows raised. "You almost slipped up there. You must really have it bad."

"I do not have anything 'bad'."

"Of course not." River set aside her nail accessories and settled down on her side. It took him a while to notice that she was looking at him expectantly.


"Don't you want to make love to me?"

"You can't win me over with sex."

She made a movement that was probably a shrug and closed her eyes. "Alright. See you in the morning."

The Doctor glared at her for a while before realising that she really had gone to sleep and wasn't going to get into a discussion about bathrooms and boundaries and things of that nature.

He turned the lights out and sulked in the dark for a bit. It was a good sulk, and it made him feel a bit better about the things in the bathroom.


"What about these ones?"

He glanced up for a moment and then looked back at his watch. "Lovely. I think you should buy them." Hours. They had been doing this for hours.

"That's what you said about the last ones."

"Which were also very nice." He looked up at her because staring at his watch was somehow failing to make time pass more quickly. He turned his gaze to her feet. "Are you sure those aren't the same ones?"

"They're completely different!"

"They're red, and they have heels, and they have little strappy bits. Those are the same shoes, River." He looked around the shop in case anything interesting had happened, like perhaps a small alien invasion. "Do I really need to be here?"

"I came with you to get parts for the TARDIS," she said, picking up another pair of shoes from the rack in front of her.

"But that wasn't boring!"

"How about these?" She held her latest find in front of him.

"They look like shoes."

"I need them to match my dress."

"They do," he said, hoping that was remotely true. He couldn't really remember what the dress looked like, although he did remember each and every shop they'd visited before she found the one that was apparently nicer than all the others.

River shook her head and replaced the shoes on the rack. "You don't know anything about fashion."

"I do!"

She gave him a rather pitying smile. "Look at what you're wearing."

He frowned. "This is what I always wear."

"Exactly. Now, what do you think of these ones?"


The Doctor entered the library and started looking under things.

River turned a page of her book. "Have you lost something?"

He straightened up from checking under an armchair. "I can't find my sonic screwdriver."

"Oh." River reached into a pocket. "Here." She tossed the device at him and he caught it with unexpected dexterity. "I was fixing the toaster earlier."

He looked from River to the sonic and back again. "With my sonic screwdriver?"

"Yes." She didn't look up from reading. "It was in your jacket pocket, I was going to put it back."

"But you didn't."

"Forgot." She turned another page.

"You could at least have asked."

"You were asleep."

He gripped the sonic tightly in case she tried to take it away again. "River, you can't just take my things."

She finally looked up at him. "I was only borrowing it."

"You wouldn't like it if I took your diary."

She shook her head. "You wouldn't do that."

"But I could. And it would annoy you. So I don't do it."

"It's only a screwdriver."

"It's my screwdriver!" Why didn't she understand? What was wrong with her?

"Then you should take more care of it, shouldn't you?" And with that she went back to reading her book.

He scowled at the top of her head and left the library, absently-mindedly caressing the sonic screwdriver as he went. Don't worry, I won't let the bad lady hurt you.


"I don't want to get married."

"Is there a bit where they ask you that?"

"There should be."

"Then say no. What's the problem?" She tugged at his sleeve. "Don't you want to see what it's like?"

He looked around the dingy 'Chapel Of Love' and felt trapped. These places always tended to put him on edge. "There's no way they do a proper Gallifreyan wedding," he protested. "They probably don't even do the thing with the hats."

"I don't want to get married either," said River, "but I do want to see what the ceremony's like. From an archaeological perspective..."

"It'll be nothing like the real thing."

"Let's find out, shall we?" She slid a credit card across the desk to the receptionist. "Gallifreyan ceremony for two, please, one male and one female." She looked over her shoulder at the Doctor. "Don't look so scared, it's not like we're really getting married."

"I can't believe you," complained River as they headed back to the TARDIS. "All you had to do was say no."

"Sorry. I forgot," he said, "I was distracted by how accurate the hats were."

"Wonderful. Well, this is legally-binding in -" she checked the certificate they'd been given afterwards "- seventeen galaxies."

"I said I was sorry."

River sighed. "I suppose we can always get a divorce."

The Doctor looked at her and thought for a few moments. "That might be tricky. Who'd get custody of the TARDIS?"

"We'll sort something out."

"Let's not be too hasty about this," he said, surprising himself as much as anyone else.

River stared at him. "Do you realise what you're saying?"

He took her arm and leaned against her slightly to feel the warmth radiating from her body. "At least let's wait until after the honeymoon."