Disclaimer: Doctor Who and its characters, trademarks, etc. are all the property of the BBC (and you´re doing a great job, guys :-). I have no claim to it whatsoever. I´ve just borrowed the characters for this story. Please, please don´t sue me.
Author´s Note: All the credit (and the blame!) for this one has to go to Bellatrix, who had the original idea. Thank you! :-D
NB: This contains references to pretty much everything I´ve written on this site. So, if it makes no sense, don´t worry :-).
"She keeps trying to kill us," the Doctor muttered irritably.
Rose and Jack huddled closer to him under a large, rainbow-striped umbrella. They were standing in the middle of a muddy field, the rain coming down in sheets. It was freezing.
"I thought you said the TARDIS was here," Jack reminded him, wincing as he tried to stamp his feet and was rewarded with a squelching sound.
"It was!" the Doctor protested. "She moved it."
"Maybe she´s just... I dunno. Bored," Rose suggested, shivering against his jacketed arm.
He stared at her incredulously.
"She stranded you in the middle of the desert; duplicated you; had you shot; gave you nightmares; put you in a coma; bounced you backwards and forwards in time and locked you in a cell," he reminded her. "Boredom doesn´t justify that. You´re the last person I´d expect to be defending her."
"Yeah, Rose." Jack peered around the Doctor. "You´re the victim here. She keeps picking on you."
"Why?" the Doctor wondered curiously. "What´d you ever do to annoy her?" His gaze was half-accusing.
"I... dunno." Rose stared out at the leaden sky, baffled.
"What about you, Doctor?" Jack resumed. "She never seems to pick on you."
The Doctor stared at him in astonishment.
"She killed me!" he protested. "I died of old age," he continued sarcastically. "You´d think it would be Daleks or Yeti or Cybermen, but no..."
"She killed my alien double, too," Rose reminded him.
"No she didn´t."
"Yes, she did. I was there. I saw it."
"She didn´t `die´, she just reverted..."
"But," Jack pointed out, "compared to Rose, you got off lightly."
The Doctor raised his eyebrows.
"I´ve been mugged; electrocuted; assaulted by Rose..."
She elbowed him in protest.
"You´re such a baby," she muttered.
He shot her an aggrieved look, rubbing his arm.
"...had my mind invaded twice -" he continued.
"And me!" Rose reminded him.
"Yes, and you," he agreed impatiently. "She made Rose steal my scarf; caught me in the shower..."
"And made you drink hot chocolate with marshmallows?" Jack added, with a smile.
"That´s almost as bad as beans-on-toast," Rose agreed, smirking.
"What about that blood sample, then?" the Doctor demanded. "What d´you think that doctor´s going to do with it? It´s valuable. Unique. And she didn´t even need to take it!"
"You´re upset because she stuck you with a needle?" Jack was incredulous.
"What about you, then?" the Doctor accused him. "She hasn´t done anything to you."
"She locked me in a cell with Rose," he protested. "Naked."
Rose glared at him around the Doctor.
"That was torture, was it?" she demanded.
"No." Jack grinned. "In fact, we should try it again sometime, only with candles and champagne. And a mattress. That floor..."
The Doctor glanced from one to the other.
"Is there something you´d like to tell me?" he asked.
Jack´s grin widened.
"Nothing happened," Rose muttered.
The Doctor didn´t look convinced.
"It didn´t!" she protested.
"Hey!" Jack chipped in. "I never complain about all the hugging and hand-holding you guys do."
"Yes you do," Rose reminded him.
He thought for a moment.
"Okay, yeah I do," he conceded. "But that´s not the point..."
"The Doctor´s right." Rose frowned. "She never does anything bad to you."
"I guess she likes me," he responded smugly.
"Couldn´t care less, more like," the Doctor observed. "Didn´t give you much to do on the `Vendredi´, did she? All that standing around, waving a gun." He shook his head disapprovingly.
"Well," Rose told him, "at least she hasn´t tried to make you sleep with Jack yet."
"Yeah," the Doctor muttered. "Fantastic."
Rose stared at him with a combination of hurt and disbelief.
"You mean you want to...?" she demanded.
Jack smiled and put an arm around the Time Lord.
"You should´ve said," he told him. "I´m always happy to oblige."
The Doctor grinned at Rose´s open-mouthed expression.
"Your face!" he told her, laughing.
Rose smiled ruefully... then remembered he hadn´t answered her question.
The Doctor caught Jack´s wrist as the man´s hand crept toward his flies.
"You still haven´t bought me that drink," he reminded the captain cheerfully.
"You´re just playing hard to get," he accused the Doctor, who smiled enigmatically.
"The question is," the Doctor resumed, squinting up at the sky. "What´s she planning next?"
"I heard something about snow," Rose volunteered.
The other two looked at her in surprise.
"What?" the Doctor demanded. "Has she been talking to you?"
"Why´d she do that?" Jack asked.
"Maybe she felt bad about all the other stuff," she suggested.
"Yeah, right," the Doctor responded cynically. "Snow, is it?" he demanded of the sky, getting a faceful of water in return. "What else? Are you going to strand us on some jungle planet? Or throw Daleks at us? Or use one of your weird creations to invade...mmph?"
Rose had covered his mouth with her hand.
"Don´t give her ideas," she hissed, glaring at him.
"Yeah, Doctor," Jack agreed. "Things are bad enough as it is."
"I´m not afraid of you." The Time Lord shook his fist at the clouds. He stood there, raging against the storm like an alien King Lear.
The rain hit them all in bucketfuls. Soaked, Rose tried to wrestle the Doctor´s umbrella arm back into a vertical position.
"You sit there, hiding, playing your sick little games," he continued. "Stupid ape! Why bother with us? Why don´t you get out there and see the world for yourself? Visit the pyramids; the rainforest; the Grand Canyon; the Outback; the Taj Mahal; Paris; Moscow; Tokyo... You don´t need a TARDIS for any of that!"
"Doctor?" Jack murmured, eyeing the roiling clouds apprehensively. "D´you really think it´s a good idea to antagonise her?"
The Time Lord ignored him.
"You can take my blood," the Doctor told the rain, "or even my life, but you can´t have my TARDIS!"
Rose gave up the fight. She was soaked anyway and the umbrella was now trailing in the mud. She and Jack exchanged a dripping glance behind the Doctor´s back.
And the TARDIS materialised in front of them.
"There you go," Rose said at last. "She was sorry."
"Looks like it. Yeah." The Doctor actually looked surprised.
"Come on," Jack called back to him, wading through the mud. Rose was right behind him.
"I can´t," the Doctor admitted reluctantly. "I´m stuck."
Rose burst out laughing. Jack grinned.
The Doctor looked affronted.
Five minutes later they were soaked, muddy and back in the TARDIS. It dematerialised with a wheezing groaning noise.
The rain continued to fall, tinkling softly. It sounded like laughter.
Somewhere in time and space, the Doctor gave a yell.
It was raining in the library.