Author's Notes:
DISCLAIMER: I just started working for comstumer service...

"World Saving Corp. LTD, this is Maya speaking, how may I help you?"

"Yes, hello, I wish to be disconnected from your service."

"I see. May I ask why?"

"Well, easy enough — I don't get my money's worth!"

"Why do you feel that?"

"Well just look at how things are going! First, I had to pay from my taxes to rebuild Downing Street after it was attacked by our own missiles! Some time later half of my house was ruined by Cybermen invasion — "

"Ma'am, I'd like to point out this was an instance we stopped a double alien invasion to Earth — "

"Yes, well, it really didn't help my neighbour now, did it? She was converted to Cyber! And her dog! — then I though, you know, nice holiday in Cardiff, next thing I know there was a great big demon killing everyone — "

"It was stopped, though, before it even killed a quarter of the people in Cardiff — "

"I'm talking here sweetheart, my best dress was all ruined when we fled the city, not to talk about the first holiday in months! Then there was the time the moon almost crashed into the Earth — "

"Yes, but it didn't crash — "

"Still panicked us — not to mention when the sun was switched off!"

"We stopped it before any permanent damage could be done — "

"Permanent damage?! My begonias died!"

"I see…"

"They still haven't recovered! And then, with all the talk about global warming we had the entire world covered with smoke — "

"Which was stopped- "

"Yes, with fire! Imagine what that did to the ozone layer! And now there's this thing. The Daleks."

"But Ma'am, they were stopped as well."

"Yes, but they were way too noisy before they did, some of my neighbours were killed, mind you, and now it's too obvious so I can't lie to my son anymore about there not being such a thing as aliens. He has nightmares every day!"

"I'm sorry to hear that. How old is he?"

"Thirty three!"

"I see…. Well, Ma'am I think I can see the problem here. You're on the 'Everybody Lives!' package — a lot of people moved to it during an alternate timeline — out of despair, you see — and for some reason when the timeline reset, the computer didn't reset with it. I think the reason you're unhappy is just because, well, this package obviously doesn't fit you. How about I switch you to the "At least I'm alright!" package?"

"What does this package give me?"

"Well, first, it costs just the same as the Everybody Lives! one and provides the same world-saving services. It comes free of charge with the 'Better my neighbour than me!', 'Could have been worse — I could have been living in the North!' and 'Well, I didn't like them anyway!' packages. You get a fifty percent discount for any use of the Panic Attacks feature, which can be converted to the older Hysterics if you'd prefer, and three free months of Xenophobia."

"The Xenophobia, is it aimed anywhere?"

"Oh, your choice, Ma'am. You can choose to aim it at proper aliens, immigrants, Americans — we don't tell anyone where they should aim their xenophobia, that's your right as our valued costumer!"

"Mmm. Well this does sound better…"

"Okay, then I'm changing the 'Everybody Lives!' package to the 'At least I'm alright!' one… oh, another thing about the package, if you see the Doctor you can slap him — but I can't promise which regeneration you'd get to slap, him being a time traveller and all and there are rumours about regeneration coming up anyway. You might find yourself slapping the Sixth Doctor or someone similar — and I'm not quite sure how he'd respond."

"Oh, just leave this to me."

"So, is everything alright?"

"Yes, yes, quite fine!"

"Good, glad to be of service, and have a wonderful day!"