You never ask me out loud whether I love you. Whether it’s you and me, time and space and the adventures in between. You never ask if it’s you that fills my heart, makes me smile and makes me laugh. Whether it’s the thought of you that keeps me sane in the dark and the dirt, when it feels as though life ought not to be, and that death is the only way out. Whether without you my world would stop turning, and the universe would implode.
You never ask me why I don’t take aliens with me. Why I can’t stand to be alone in this cavernous machine. Or why we never stop travelling, always moving on and on. You never question why I’m with you, why I keep you by my side and why it’s you I turn to when I need loving. I think you know.
But love is dangerous. Love can hurt, can wound, can maim. Love can kill. Love can rip a heart into a thousand pieces, and freeze a soul to the very core. Falling in love is like falling onto glass; painful and torturous. But for the right person, pain doesn’t matter. Because you want to lose yourself in them, and nothing else figures. And, no matter how hard I try to protect myself, I’ve fallen helplessly in love.
But you never ask if there’s anyone else, anyone else in this big, wide universe that I would spend the rest of my life with.
And I’m glad, because it means I can pretend this thing between us, this inevitable and destined thing, doesn’t exist. That these feelings are my mind playing up, and that the stirrings of lust I feel when you walk into the room are my body’s natural responses to a female being. I can ignore the twinge I feel every time you touch another man. I can smile and say I’m pleased for you both.
I tried to be happy for you with Mickey, Adam, Jack, but I just couldn’t do it. Not that I let you see of course, but I don’t doubt you worked it out. For some inexplicable reason, I could never hide anything from you. I guess it was the same thing that made me fall in love.
And then there was that day. That day when you chose me forever, a forever that didn’t last. Because the Void took you, stole you away from me, and broke my fragile heart.
I found a way to find you, to say goodbye one last time and try to find some closure. Your face is so different, and yet totally the same. My Rose. But when you tell me that you love me, I hear the unasked question in your voice. I can’t bring myself to tell you my heart is straining to beat with yours, my fingers itching to touch your flesh, my body yearning to entwine with yours. But I know we cannot be together. That my truth would destroy your life; your one last chance at happiness.
And so I’ll say I don’t love you, though it kills me, it’s a lie that sets you free.