Monday 8th September

Have had appointment with psychologist about the whole post traumatic genocide thing. Psychologist suggested I keep diary of thoughts and feelings. Not going to do it. Suspect psychologist may be alien plotting to take over the planet.

Tuesday 9th September 6.15am

I don’t need as much sleep as normal humans. Am awake. Wide, wide awake. Wakey- wakey wide awake. Am going to wake up Rose. Rose is lovely, all pink and yellow. She let me kiss her once, you know.

Tuesday 9th September 6.19am

Bad idea. Rose threw shoe at my head. Have been instructed to come back at quarter past eight with tea and toast.

Tuesday 9th September 7.59am

Off to make toast.

ETA: Anyone know how to make toast without a sonic screwdriver?

ETA2: Or the best thing to do for singed eyebrows?

Tuesday 9th September 8:59am

Rose has gone to work. I’m not allowed in Torchwood Tower till I can prove I’m not insane. Well, fine, I can uncover dangerous alien invasions perfectly well without that lot.

Tuesday 9th September 4:37pm

Girl in Starbucks is apparently not an alien. Very surprised. Always assumed that two pounds ninety of the three quid price for a cup of foam was going towards a massive invasion fleet.

Can never go back to that Starbucks again. Luckily, I managed to convince police that it was a protest against globalisation. Have I mentioned that I’m very clever?

Wednesday 10th September

Shop assistants in British Home Stores also not aliens. Are there no aliens in this universe? It wasn’t a total loss, though, did buy myself some new socks. I love socks.

Thursday 11th September

Very exciting day today, I got my hair cut. I didn’t manage to find an alien hairdresser, though. Shame, as human stylists aren’t really up to the job.

Rose is going to see if she can find me some alien hair gel at work. I am going to cook her a romantic meal to say thank you. Sausage and chips is a romantic meal on this planet, isn’t it?

Friday 12th September

I have thought about it and decided that maybe the reason I can’t find any aliens here is that in this universe they don’t know how brilliant the earth is. So I have built a big transmitter out of the satellite dish, the telly, the toaster and a pair of Rose’s knickers.

Expect to be up to my neck in alien cultures by the middle of next week. Am very excited.

Saturday 13th September

Stupid, frail human body. Stupid human back really hurts. Rose discovered I used her knickers as part of the transmitter that I’ve put on the roof. She made me sleep on the couch. Not entirely sure why as we don’t share a bedroom. Must be one of those silly human rituals that I don’t quite understand yet.

Sunday 14th September

Can’t talk today, bit busy. Just a quick note to say that next time I build a giant transmitter with the aim of bringing lots of possibly hostile aliens to Earth, it might be an idea not to put the transmitter on the roof of our house.

Monday 15th September 9:30am

Another appointment with psychologist. That’s two in row, which doesn’t really seem fair. I wonder how many appointments it takes to get over committing genocide.

Monday 15th September 11:47am

Asked psychologist, and he said that post traumatic stress disorder takes more than two appointments. I tried to explain to him that it was only the Daleks and they sort of deserved it. He didn’t seem impressed.

I still think he might be an alien. Surely humans aren’t meant to be that lilac...

Tuesday 16th September

Rose took me to work with her today because she cannot bear to be without me. Either that or she thinks I need constant supervision. It’s definitely one of the two.

For an organisation dedicated to protecting the Earth from alien threats, Torchwood Tower has a disappointing lack of aliens, alien technology, alien hair gel or anything alien at all. The employees seem to spend most of their days playing solitaire on their computers. I will have to teach them some more sociable games.

Wednesday 17th September

Still no aliens at Torchwood. Have worked out how Captain Jack manages to find time for all that flirting.

Taught the admin department how to play Altarian poker. Won fifty quid; shall invest in new pair of trainers.

Thursday 18th September

Today I found the Dimension Cannon in a cupboard. Set it on fire. Well, better safe than sorry.

Friday 19th September

Going away for a romantic weekend with Rose. All previous romantic holidays with Rose have involved running and explosions and Cybermen. Suspect this one will have fewer explosions but a similar amount of hand holding. Also, hopefully, some more kissing.

Sunday 21st September

Holiday did indeed involve kissing. As well as...

Uh, oh. Rose is threatening to confiscate the computer.

Monday 22nd September

Therapy again today. Still don’t feel traumatised. I’m considering telling psychologist that some mornings I wake up convinced I’m a thirty-eight-year-old woman called Donna Noble. But I don’t think there are any human psychologists qualified to treat that.

Friday 26th September

Told psychologist about the Donna thing. Have spent most of the week sectioned under the mental health act. Pete sprang me. Having a successful and influential father-in-law is brilliant!

Saturday 27th September

Family dinner with Rose, Pete, Jackie and Tony unfortunately ruined by alien plot to take over the Earth. Hurray!

Also, I told you that psychologist was an alien.

Monday 29th September

No therapy today on account of psychologist tripping and falling into his own black hole while trying to take over the world. Very tragic, yes.

Tuesday 30th September

Have found psychologist's ship. Not a TARDIS, but it’ll do. Rose and I are off to Mars.