Bigmouth Strikes Again

by nostalgia [Reviews - 9]

  • All Ages
  • Swearing
  • Humor

Martha didn't like to think about the Doctor's sex life, unless it was in the context of a nice relaxing wank after a lot of running about (she might not be in love with him anymore, but she still had functioning eyes and an active imagination). Usually this wasn't a problem, as the Doctor wasn't what you'd call active in such matters. Occasionally he'd vanish off somewhere with a leering local, but only after his seducer had thrown themselves at him (literally, in one memorable instance). She didn't get jealous anymore, and actually felt quite touched to realise that he'd kept his parts in his pants while she'd been pining over him.

Sometimes, though, she had to think about it.

"What did you do anyway?" she asked when they'd established that the sonic screwdriver wasn't going to get them out of this one.

"Nothing!" Martha knew from experience that this was a lie. He always knew what he'd done. Sometimes he even knew in advance, not because of freaky time-senses (which she just sort of assumed he must have) but because he liked the attention of people looking at him, yelling at him, and threatening him with sharp flaming sticks. Sometimes she had to wonder if nine hundred had really been considered an adult age among his people.

"You must have done something. These people are very upset."

"I was only being friendly!"

That could mean any number of dreadful things. The Doctor enjoyed insulting people and even when trying to be polite was controlled by a gargantuan ego and the inability to shut the hell up.

"They said you insulted their god and the sanctity of their lifeforce. You shagged someone, didn't you?" She had deduced this from him being even more hyper than normal and from the fact that he'd been muttering something about "sought-after Time Lord essence."

"No! Yes. Only a bit. I was very polite about it."

Martha paused for a moment to wonder how exactly a Time Lord could have sex with something that looked like a plate of pasta, but squicked herself before she could finish the thought.

"I just suggested it might be nice if they used their mouths." He demonstrated by slipping a finger into his mouth and waggling his eyebrows descriptively.

"And they have some sort of taboo about that? Shouldn't you respect people's boundaries?"

"I did! He thought it was a splendid idea. Martha Jones, I've introduced a variety of sexual practices on any number of worlds. On some planets they call me The Oncoming Shag." He seemed quite proud of that. As well he should be, having saved at least three species from extinction as a result of his efforts.

Martha really didn't want to think about the Doctor fellating a spaghetti-monster. But she had a strong constitution and it was important to their freedom and possibly their lives. "And?"

The Doctor ruffled his own hair, leaving it looking like a pair of mating porcupines. Which was apt, really. "Well, it turns out they think I swallowed some of their god's existential being."

Martha considered this for a moment, although she didn't really want to. "Could you just... make yourself sick?"

He shook his head. "No, I can't stick my fingers far enough down my throat. Time Lords don't have a gag reflex. Which is useful or dangerous, depending on the circumstances."

"What if I punch you repeatedly in the stomach? Or the face? Anywhere, really, I'm not fussy."

"I'm sensing some hostility here."

"Yet again your mouth has got us into trouble."

"I was only trying to help them! Can you imagine a civilisation lasting this long without any of them ever trying to use their tongues on their sexual organs?"

"Wow, it sounds so erotic when you put it like that."

"On Gallifrey you weren't even allowed to think about marriage unless you knew fifty-three ways to induce orgasm in a partner without using your hands." He smiled, eyes gazing into the middle-distance. "I knew fifty-four. It involved a pencil, one foot, and something not unlike an artichoke."

"And you won't even let Jack say hello to people!"

"On some worlds that's enough! Sonic vibrations, Martha, they're not just for opening doors and pirating DVDs from the future! Anyway, I've got a plan."


"We'll need an onion and a pair of handcuffs."

Martha kicked him in his special Time Lord parts.