Rulebook for Bosses

by lilithangel [Reviews - 6]

  • All Ages
  • None
  • Humor

Author's Notes:
inspired by the various lists stories that have been posted here and by Jack himself.

All Torchwood staff must read the rulebook and implement all rules effective immediately. Any queries please see me directly, if you require any demonstrations please see me as soon as possible.

Capt Jack Harkness

Rule One:
Jack always knows best when it comes to dealing with aliens. No matter how little information is available please trust your leader to know more about them than you.

Rule Two:
No alien technology is to leave the Hub again, please.

Rule Three:
The twenty first century is when it all changes, please be ready to accept any and all changes with some level of grace and flexibility.

Rule Four:
When Captain Jack Harkness yells for staff to get down they will do as they are told instantly, without discussion or needing to know why.

Rule Five:
All staff are expected to attend regular refresher courses at the shooting range. Other staff are not to interrupt said courses unless the bi-monthly apocalypse is occurring.

Rule Six:
The leader of Torchwood, Captain Jack Harkness, is the only one allowed to fire anyone from Torchwood. No other dismissals count.

Rule Seven:
Captain Jack Harkness is the only one allowed to strangle or spank members of Torchwood. If he gives permission for another staff member to perform these duties he must be present for any and all events occurring from permission being granted. Spanking and strangling are now considered acceptable methods of staff training.

Rule Eight:
Captain Jack Harkness is responsible for all staff training.

* * * * *

“Jack, what the hell do you mean by Rule seven?” Owen dropped the rulebook onto Jack’s desk.

“Exactly what it says,” Jack said grinning at Owen.

“There is no way in hell you’re letting someone else spank me.”

“So you don’t mind me doing the spanking?”

“That’s not what I meant,” Owen said with a blush.

“Really?” Jack raised an eyebrow.

“Cut it out Jack. There’s no way you’d get away with it anyway.”

“Try me,” Jack smiled at Owen, “I have to do something to control you lot.”

“You’re just a bloody pervert and I’m never letting you near my arse.”

“You say that now…” Jack smirked.

“You can bet the others will have words to say about it too,” Owen added, turning on his heel and leaving before the blush becomes too obvious.

Jack was pretty sure he knew exactly who was going to need rule seven first.

“Jack…” Gwen walked into his office with the rulebook in her hand, “what are you on about? You can’t strangle or spank people as staff discipline. I’m pretty sure there are laws about that.”

“We make our own rules, remember?” Jack grinned, “I’m thinking of adding a bit to the rule. Staff get to chose their punishment. Compulsory stand down without pay or a spanking.”

“Don’t be so flippant, Jack,” Gwen said.

“Who’s being flippant,” Jack said, “I’m serious.”

Gwen stormed out of the office in a huff nearly knocking Tosh over in her hurry.

“You here to complain about Rule seven as well?” Jack asked her.

“No, I wanted to know if you had anyone in mind as the other staff member to administer the spankings.” Tosh said blushing slightly.

“Toshiko Sato, are you volunteering?” Jack barked out a laugh.

“Maybe,” Tosh said, “unless Ianto’s already applied for the job?”

“He has other duties,” Jack said, “so I will definitely keep you in mind.”

Ianto arrived with one of his other duties and Tosh dashed off with a giggle.

“Coffee?” Ianto placed the mug on Jack’s desk.

“Like you even have to ask,” Jack said. “Well, do you have any comments to make?”

“Just one thing sir,” Ianto said as he left, “I don’t think an A4 sheet of paper counts as a book.”