Author's Notes:
Written for Order of Chaos, who delighted me by writing the Master/Owen crackfic I requested. She requested crack in return - details at the end.

Narcissistic



“No.” He rubs the back of his head. “No, absolutely not. No. That is just not going to happen.”

The man opposite him folds his arms - and, really, how defensive is that? “Not gonna happen.”

“Y’know, that’s the first time they’ve agreed on anything since he got here?” Rose - and, honestly, how did he never realise how traitorous she can be - grins at Jack. Her co-traitor.

“Yeah. Shows we’re doing something right.” Jack winks. “Anyway, it’s all your own fault, Doctor - or should that be Doctors? You caused this. You’re keeping Rose and me locked up in here so we can’t interact with our past selves. And now you’re refusing to entertain us?”

“Forget it,” his younger self says bluntly.

“Chicken,” Jack pronounces with a far too self-satisfied grin.

“I am not!” he protests, absolutely honestly. Even if himself over on the other side of the room is giving him a sceptical look. What does he know about it? He’s only a youngster. And look what a mess he made of his life!

“You so are,” Rose says, laughing - oh, yes, what a traitor she is indeed.

“I told you. It’s... it’s... it’s just wrong! So wrong I can’t even tell you how wrong.”

“ ‘S a stupid idea,” the earlier him says. “What’ve you been doin’ to those two, anyway? I know they’re human, but even the two with me aren’t that idiotic.”

“Oh, I dunno.” He studies his younger self... and, really, the ears aren’t all that bad, are they, when you get used to them? And that nose... quite distinguished. He does know how to fill out a jacket, too. “You wait till you find out what they’ll do in a few trips’ time.”

“I don’t want to know.” The younger him rolls his eyes. “Anyway. Not happening.”

“It’s just -” he begins.

“Narcissistic,” the younger him interrupts.

“That’s the one!”

“And what’s wrong with a bit of narcissism?” Jack enquires. “Didn’t you already point me in that direction at the end of the universe, Doctor?”

“I didn’t tell you to go out and snog yourself!”

“Oh? And that’s not what you meant by telling me I’m the only man I’d ever be happy with?” Jack raises an eyebrow, then grins again. “Come on, you guys, it’s only a snog. Not as if we’re asking you to shag each other in front of us.”

“Though it’d be nice,” Rose interjects, grinning too.

“Maybe, if you two shagged us too,” his earlier self says suddenly.

What?

He’s surrounded by traitors.

“What’s got into you?” he demands, glaring at the younger him.

“Well, come on,” Skinhead says. “Not like you’ve never thought about it, is it? When we were Three, we certainly did. And one or two of the others. Eight, now -”

Oh, now he’s losing his mind. If Skinhead’s talking about Eight without spitting, he’s seriously gone over the edge.

“ - Eight wouldn’t be standing over there on the other side of the room. He’d already have his tongue down my throat.”

Rose bursts out laughing. “With that oral fetish of yours, Doctor, surprised you haven’t tried it.”

“I’d rather have it down your throat,” he confesses in a growl.

“Uh-uh.” Jack wags a finger forbiddingly. “Him first. Then Rose. And then me? Please?”

“You?” The younger him looks Jack up and down, and then grins slowly. “We’ll consider it.”

Tugging at his ear, he meets Skinhead’s gaze again. Those eyes... why didn’t he ever realise how compelling they are? How... oh, they’re beautiful...

Lips mash together, and then, oh, yes, his tongue does fit just right there, and... ooh, he does taste nice, even if he says so himself, and is that something stiff he feels against his thigh and maybe, just maybe, Jack and Rose can wait a little longer. After all, they’ll still be here when his younger self has had to go back to his own TARDIS and his own Jack and Rose.


***

Later, as four naked bodies lie collapsed on the TARDIS grating, breathing heavily, the younger him groans. “When I wake up with a hole in my memory tomorrow mornin’, I’m blamin’ you.”

He’s about to protest that it’s all Jack and Rose’s fault. Which it is. Absolutely it is. Well, partly. Well... a bit.

But it’s mostly his fault, isn’t it? He’s the one who told them that the Blinovitch Limitation Effect doesn’t apply to Time Lords. And then proceeded to demonstrate.

Though, as Jack did say, what’s wrong with a bit of narcissism in the right circumstances?


- end

And the request:
Nine and Ten. Both of them. At the same time, with at least a hint of UST between them (unless they really refuse to cooperate), and maybe a Rose or Jack or two.