I can feel my body. Slightly anyway. And I can feel someone cleaning away the blood. I can almost smell the cleaning products.
But I can't see anything. Touch anything.
When I had first died, so long ago (or was it yet to come?) either way at the Gamestation. When I died then I half expected to be in hell. The things I've done. But as Suzie put it there was nothing. Just darkness. Odd lights now and again. Maybe that was hell, who knew?
It hurt that time I died. Hurt like hell. And my first breath.. almost as bad as my first ever. My lungs felt on fire. I wanted to scream in pain.
Since then the process had become so much easier. I had no other choice but to get used to the pain. And I, somehow, was able to access the world around me. I didn't know how and to be frank I didn't care.
It was comforting to know it was still there sometimes. Others I wished it would just disappear and let me go. Sometime I was just too tired to wake up and live again...I just wanted to sleep.
Dying just seemed to get easier each time. I would try new methods, putting together a diary of which ways really hurt. I would joke around with Owen saying that I would die of each disease and tell him which ones hurt and which ones were easy.
I will always remember the look on Gwen's face when I rose from the dead, quite literally in front of her. She had no choice to believe me, and I wasn't going to retcon her again. I never wanted anyone to know really. Wanted it to be my little secret.
Light. Slowly but it's still there. Here we go again. Waking up time. Better brace myself. This is gonna hurt.. as usual.