Standing At the Wall

by converse_universe [Reviews - 8]

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  • All Ages
  • None
  • Alternate, Universe, Angst, Character, Study, Drama, Introspection

Author's Notes:
This follows the very similar and yet also different thoughts of both Rose and The Doctor, as they are standing at the wall shortly after Rose has fallen through to the Alternate Universe.

It always begins with Rose's thoughts, followed by the Doctor's on the same idea.

Palm touching the cool, smooth wall in front of me. It reminds me of his touch, but only for a minute, because then I remember that he is on the other side.
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Palm touching the cool, smooth wall in front of me. I can almost imagine a warm spot, her hand on the other side but then, like a slap to the face, I realize that even though she is on the other side, the wall remains cool and constant.
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Lost, he took my hand. Run! Did he know then that I needed saving? Did he ever think about letting me go? I let go in the end, but I tried to hold on, I did!
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Lost, I took her hand. Run! I remember telling her to run. Did she know then that I needed saving? Did she ever think about leaving me? It’s true; I usually leave my friends behind eventually, but not her, never her. I tried to hold on to her! I tried!
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My world is gone. The earth I grew up on, the earth with all of my memories. Even the photos of him are left behind. I can live on this earth, but I cannot be alive, because…he was my world.
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My world is gone, has been for years now. Gallifrey, had I even told her its name? The memories I have of the planet are all that is left. I am the last, and yet, somehow that doesn’t matter right now. I have no home, for she must know…she was my world.
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I never said it. I was traveling with him! I thought I’d have more time. I wish I’d looked closer at our life, always together, escaping before the danger overtook us, while all around, time ran out for everyone else. How did I think it would not run out for me as well?
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I never said it. I knew that traveling with her could not last. Our time started to run down the moment I took her hand in mine. Still, always alone, and I had someone. As long as I didn’t say it, it wasn’t final, I could move on… Now the clock has run out, and I can only think that I didn’t tell her. I hope she knew.
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Alone. My family is standing behind me a new father, a friend, and my mum, together. I know that in the life awaiting me, if I can call it a life anymore, I will be grateful that they are there. Right now, I can barely believe that he is gone. I should be thankful, I made it through with much more than he. It is funny to think, I am more alone surrounded by people than I was when it was just he and I. But then, that was all we needed.
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Alone. Everyone is gone, but for a while, everyone else didn’t matter as much, because she was there. I can barely believe she is gone, though I don’t know why. I always lose them in the end. She was only one human, and she didn’t realize how important one person could be to a man who is an only one left. But then, that was all we needed.
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Forever. I promised him, and I meant every word. I meant it, and yet I knew forever could not be true. Was I selfish promising him my forever? If I had lived my forever out, and died with him, he would still be alone, and I would have lived a happy life. It doesn’t matter now, forever was much shorter than either of us had hoped.
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Forever. She promised me forever and I just looked back and smiled. She meant it I know, and I wanted with both of my hearts for it to be true. Was I selfish, letting her believe in forever? Forever does not exist, not for me. Because however she would have been torn from me, I would remain. I do remain. It doesn’t matter now. I’ve been reminded sooner that I’d hoped.
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Goodbye. No, it can’t be, not yet, not now. You are alive, and safe, and just on the other side!! I can’t bare to think of saying goodbye yet. Would you even hear me?
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Goodbye. Please! Not yet! My only consolation is I know you are safe, on the other side of this hopelessly thick wall. If I can tear myself away from this wall, I promise I will say goodbye! I need to hear you, even if it’s just once more.
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Time. It seems so strange, running into danger, like it was a game. From time period to time period, laughing. Did we not see the lives of many innocents crushed? All around us time was running out, and we were being chased, but having too much fun to notice. Sooner or later it only made sense that it would be our turn. It seems almost fitting then that the last hug we shared was in 2012, and I lost him 6 years earlier.
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Time. Something I wish I didn’t understand as well as I do. I know better than most how wonderful, horrific, stupid, brilliant, tragic and fantastic it can be! Above all else though, time is cruel, for it can kill anything. Time let me hold her, have her, love her. It let me hug her in 2012, when everything felt perfect, and lose her 6 years earlier, when everything went wrong.
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Moving on. I don’t know how, not from this. There are no words to describe this agony. Turning away from the wall, I take my first steps as a new person. A strong, and yet broken person. My family, my new family hold me, I cling to them. It’s all they can do. it’s all I can do.
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Moving on. I am an expert by now, but really no one can be an expert. All I can say is that I perhaps have more experience. Moving on, right. Turning from the wall I walk away, and step into my wonderful machine, alone. I clutch the railing and weep. The lights dim as if the TARDIS is trying to console me. It’s all she can do. It’s all I can do. Because it has never seemed more true than it does now, those words that that wonderful woman once said to me, such a long time ago, with that mischievous grin on her face…

“Better with two”.