2007.07.20 - 10:12AM
1: Chapter 1

It was the title and the intro that lured me to read this story – and a great heap of thanks for that!
Your story starts off very well, and I find the idea of basing fiction on the events during role play quite fascinating – but it is as if you’ve lost some of your drive during the story. Not only did you never address the issue of Jackie Tyler not answering her phone, you also did amass a serious amount of grammatical and other small errors during the last bits, as if you just wanted to get it over with and didn’t care too much about detail anymore. If I may suggest that you consider the story again, perhaps spending a few lines – or a chapter – at the end where the Doctor and Rose catch up with Jackie?
Chapters seven and eight are interesting for character development, but fall somewhat outside the rest of the plot. Not only is it unconceivable that the Doctor and Rose would take an hour off with people getting killed around them, but it is a very big chunk of story where nothing much really happens. In order to not just criticize, you could have achieved a believable pause by suggesting some process or other in the TARDIS to need an hour or more to complete. And, if I were you, I would probably have spread the Rose-Doctor interaction a little more out over the story in stead of making such a long interlude off almost too little action.
You were three people behind this: Take the time to read it through for errors before publishing it – or make arrangements with a beta-reader. I think you can find people here on WhoFic who’d love to help. Many of the errors in the latter part are easily found and dealt with – such as the confusion between singular and plural form of “novastus” and some erroneous prepositions, commas and semicolons. (Yeah, I am a teacher – does it show? Sorry…) It is very typical for some amateur writers that they get worked up, write a lot of story, run out of steam and just wish to end it all in a hurry. I am not above that myself, I must admit. But given the great deal of detail and character interaction in the story, it is as if the end was hurried through – and that’s a shame.
One last point of critique: I find it totally acceptable to a WhoFic that some alien race decides to eat humans – I suppose to an alien, a human could seem a tasty treat – but why did nobody within the story ever ask if pork, beef or other mammals could solve the Novasti problem just as easily? The Doctor or Rose could have addressed this issue.
BTW: I just loved the passage where the lamp post jumps back. The idea that it should be a marvelous sight, but that if anybody had actually witnessed it, they would also have tried to be eaten by a lamp post… Neat detail, that!
One also had to either love or hate that sailor on the docks, the one with the extreme language. I love him! The sheer unadulterated archetype used here is sooo hilarious!
I am a lousy fan fiction reader. I download all I can get, write a few myself, and have probably printed and read the better part of 200 acres of forest wood worth of paper – but I am terrible at doing the most important I can do to fellow writers: I rarely review. However, something caught me in this story – and I am currently on holiday and have plenty of free time – and therefore I decided to actually do some reviewing. I hope you do not find me too nitpicky, which I have been told by some that I am, but IMHO this story has great potential – a potential that sadly is not fully used. A yank here, an added chapter there and a beta-read with focus on the last chapters and I think you guys have a great story.
Bet of luck with it – and my apologies if I have offended you with all this – from KimotoCat.

Author's Response: No problemo, chuck. Con-crit\'s good. To be honest, I didn\'t actually go through it, and re-reading it, I understand your point. It was actually a written roleplay that kinda sailed off, and I divided it into chapters to see what people reckoned. You\'re the first to take the time to respond, so *glee*! My other stuff\'s a lot more developed I reckon, because I actually spent time over it, and wrote it all myself... (Nine/Rose shipper) But yeah. Thanks for taking the time, and I\'ll look into it. ;) BlaiddDrwg x