| Home | Most Recent | Categories | Authors | Titles | Help | Search | Log In | |
| Ninth Doctor | |
Five Things That Don't Usually Happen When The Doctor and Rose Get It On by RedScharlach [Reviews - 25]  | |
* * *
1. Lie Back and Think of Gallifrey
First they had to get very drunk indeed and wait for bedtime.
Then they took all their clothes off and looked at each other's bits.
"Gosh, look at that," said Rose.
"Well I never," said the Doctor.
Then they got in a bed and he touched her whatsits and she made funny noises and then he put his thingy in her thingy and moved it backwards and forwards until something damp and messy occurred.
But it was all quite pleasant, so they resolved to do it a lot more.
They did, however, decide to stop trying to talk about it.
* * * * *
2. Conspicuous by its Absence
"I do love you, Rose," explained the Doctor. "It's just that... well, it's probably easier to show you."
His trousers dropped to the floor. So did Rose's jaw.
"As you see, I am completely free of genitalia of any kind."
"Like an angel," said Rose, who had seen Dogma. "Or a Barbie."
"But I still love you," said the Doctor, "It's just a pure, noble, spiritual love, a true union of souls, unsullied by the shallow concerns of physical pleasure."
"That's nice," said Rose. "Now, if you've finished yapping, I can think of another use for that mouth of yours...."
* * * * *
3. The Tricky Issue of Quality Control
"Right," said Rose. "That was... umm."
"Fantastic?" suggested the Doctor.
Rose grimaced. “Not exactly.”
“Why not? What was wrong with it?”
"Well, for a start, it lasted 72 seconds. And for 53 of those, you were reciting the names of Manchester United's FA Cup winning side from 1977. Then you yelled ‘Geronimo!!’ and passed out.”
The Doctor looked positively indignant. “But isn’t that traditional?”
“No! And for reference, the human clitoris is located about six inches away from where you think it is.”
“But apart from those minor points... it was fantastic, right?"
Rose hid under the duvet and sobbed.
* * * * *
4. When Euphemisms Attack
"I'm rather looking forward to having sex," said the Doctor. "It's been a while, admittedly, but I've been doing some reading to brush up on the basics."
He proudly brandished a copy of Passion's Surrender by Felicity Gushwinkle.
"So, after some preparatory fondling of your silken pleasure globes, apparently I just need to check that your chalice of passion is overflowing, and then plunge the raging rod of my desire into the seething vortex of your womanhood. And then, lots of thrusting. I bet your saucy loins can't wait."
Rose wondered if it was too late to suggest Scrabble instead.
* * * * *
5. The Regeneration Game
“Rose!” cried the Doctor, and erupted into a tower of glowing flame.
"Oh my God!" squealed Rose.
"Bloody hell," said the totally different man that she was now in bed with. "I wasn't expecting that. Mind you, I've never done this before."
Rose gasped. "What was that? Who are you? And also, that was just the best EVER. Can you do that again?"
"Well, yes. But only three more times."
"Really? Then what happens?"
"Errr... then I'll be dead."
Rose thought about this for a moment.
It was a small price to pay for the best afternoon of your life.
* * * * *
FIN
Script for this archive provided by eFiction. Contact our archivists at help@whofic.com. Please read our Terms of Service and Submission Guidelines.