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| Ninth Doctor | |
Oi, if Mary Sue's on the next planet, I quit, Doctor. by livii [Reviews - 22]  Author's Notes: I kid because I love. | |
“Right.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
They were locked together in an impossibly small room, most of which was taken up by a single bed wedged into the corner. And they weren’t wearing any clothes.
“So tell me again how you managed to offend the Manasathal-whatevers enough to make them do this to us, Doctor?”
“One, that’s Manasathalanatharialanarians, and two, I haven’t the faintest idea.”
“It couldn’t possibly have been when you called their queen the village bicycle.”
“Well, she was a right slag, trying to get into my trousers!”
“If she could see what I can see now, she wouldn’t have bothered.”
“Oi! I’ll have you know it’s the stress!”
“Well, better get it working or that’s the end of us, I guess. Bloody weird.”
They maneuvered their way onto the bed; neither fancied having their head chopped off merely for being unwilling to undertake intercourse.
“So, um, if you’ll just maybe lick my nipple here, yes, we can get going…”
“Yes, well, um, if you’ll touch me here and maybe oh, yes, that’ll do…”
“Watch that elbow!”
“You watch that knee!”
The bed was rather small. They were rather flustered. Still, they managed, eventually.
“Somewhat more impressive than I imagined earlier, Doctor!”
“I told you so…oh…”
“Right…”
“Yeah…”
“Okay…”
“Well, for an ape, that wasn’t half bad, Rose.”
Back in the TARDIS and finally on their way, the Doctor was still nursing his bruised balls.
------------------------------
“So what is it this time, Doctor?”
"It seems we’re somehow being subjected to an ancient test to enter the temple.”
“Couldn’t be because you were trying to get in even though the sign had a skull and bones on it, could it?”
“Well, how was I to know that the temple is closed off to everyone who has not just, um, achieved…orgasmic bliss?”
“That’s what it says in the Wansolo-whatever language there?”
“One, that’s Wansoloamitooine, and two, I hadn’t seen the fine print at the time."
"So what, we have to shag or we die? Again?”
“Well, sort of, yeah. ‘S bit more than that this time, if we try to get through that door without, er, experiencing mutual climax, we’ll both be struck down dead, and since we really need to get in there to retrieve the holy relic, well, it’d better be really good this time…”
“Right then, but I get to be on top.”
When they entered the temple, Rose was rather put out to discover it was completely empty inside.
------------------------------
“So, are there many planets other than Slarti-whatever where eating the native fruit causes severe gender bending, Doctor?”
“One, that’s Slartibartfast, and two, I wouldn’t call it gender bending so much as, um, total body switching.”
“Well, it’s not like being in each other’s bodies is anything we can’t handle, right? No need to get naked this time, yeah?”
“The fruit’s got a purpose, Rose. The point is to allow people to experience what it’s like for the opposite sex. Not following through on that would be rather rude to our hosts, don’t you think?”
“Right then, but I am definitely on top this time, what with this thing and all. Ooh, look, it’s all anxious — definitely yours, then.”
While shagging him into the ground, Rose wasn’t too surprised to find out that the Doctor really was a bottom after all.
------------------------------
“So what you’re saying is that these Azka-whatevers consider all unattached women ready for the pull?”
“One, that’s Azkadumbledemorts, and two, I’m just trying to take care of you here, Rose.”
“And it couldn’t have anything to do with the hooker outfit the TARDIS picked out for me? Look at these boots!”
“She just wants you to fit in, Rose. Now come here and kiss me so that you’re protected.”
Later, Rose reflected that the Doctor certainly had taken her mother’s pleas to keep her daughter safe to heart.
------------------------------
“Ice fields? The ice fields of Bompa-whatever, Doctor?”
“One, that’s Bompalompalomp, and two, bloody TARDIS — no no, dear, I didn’t mean it, oh shit — c’mon, Rose, we’ll have to huddle together for warmth, she’s not letting us back in anytime soon.”
“Does huddling always make you hard, Doctor?”
“Well, it will build up warmth, Rose.”
The Doctor, as usual, was right.
------------------------------
“A holiday, Doctor? On Ramala-whatever?”
“One, that’s Ramalamadingdong, and two, holidays are good for the soul, Rose.”
“Right. So why d’you want to shag this time?”
“Well, I have a very conflicted soul, you know, Rose. Gallifrey go boom, and all that. And we just saved this planet. Also, we almost died earlier. Not to mention that big fight we were just having. And have you fully explored my weird alien biology yet?”
“Isn’t this mixing up a few scenarios, Doctor?”
“Just get over here, Rose. There are only so many planets, you know.”
Sex on the beach was rather gritty, Rose thought.
------------------------------
“Now you’re just making that one up.”
“I’ll have you know the Bananaramas are very real and very serious about their love potions! Now come here, Rose!”
------------------------------
“D’you get the feeling we’re being manipulated into shagging, Doctor?”
“I’d been considering that very idea, Rose. Excellent work. Top form.”
Given that they were currently cursed with mutual telepathy, it wasn’t necessarily the most brilliant leap of logic ever made.
“Well, let’s just get on with it then, yeah? If you want to fuck me silly against the control panel of the TARDIS, you just need to ask.”
He still tried to get her into those boots whenever he could.
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