A Teaspoon And An Open Mind: A Doctor Who Fan Fiction Archive
Second Doctor
Why You Should Never Moon A Ninja by ninewood [Reviews - 2] Printer
Author's Notes:
This story is for cheri, who dared me to write this after we were talking about Braveheart and the mooning scene, hope you like it! So you know what the japanese words are: ninja outfit: dogi, ninja socks: tabi, sandals: geta, urusai: shut up, zakkenayo: fuck off, hai: yes, iie: no and oji: uncle, shamisen: guitar.


Japan, 1640

The sunlight sparkled off the leaves while Zoe and Jamie walked along a path and Zoe held onto Jamie’s hand. Zoe was glad that the Doctor had let them go off exploring the countryside while he did some repairs on the TARDIS and she was enjoying spending time alone with Jamie. In the short time they had been together, Zoe had started developing feelings for Jamie, but wonder if he felt the same. They kept walking when dark clouds moved across the sky and a cold wind started blowing.

“Oh, it looks like rain!” Zoe said.

“Aye, see anywhere we can ride it out?” Jamie asked, looking around. They walked faster while the first drops of rain fell and a few cracks of thunder filled the air. They started running as the rain fell and their clothes started to cling to their bodies. In the distance, Jamie saw what looked like a house at the bottom of a hill and pointed. Running down the path, they headed for the house and saw that it was a one level stone building with a wooden roof and a dim light shimmered behind the paper shades. Jamie walked to the door when he knocked and Zoe stood next to him, shivering. Jamie knocked again when the door slowly opened and a young girl looked out at them. She had long black hair that trailed down her back, a round face and brown eyes. She was wearing light blue kimono with white birds stitched into the silk, tabi socks and geta sandals and a small fan was in her right hand.

“Hai?” the young girl asked.

“Do you speak English?” Zoe asked.

“Some,” the young girl said, nodding.

“Well, I’m Zoe and this is Jamie.”

“I am Hoshi,” Hoshi said, smiling.

“Pleased tae meet you. Can we come in?” Jamie asked.

“Iie, I am sorry,” Hoshi said, half closing the door.

“But it’s raining!” Zoe said.

“My oji does not like strangers in the house.”

“Hoshi, who are you talking to?!” asked a voice from inside the house and Hoshi stood back from the door. Zoe and Jamie looked at the man in the doorway and he had black/gray hair, tied back with a black cord, a round face and brown eyes. He wore a black kimono with a golden dragon stitched into the silk, tabi socks and geta sandals. “Who are you?”

“I’m Zoe and this is Jamie,” Zoe said.

“I am Kisho. What brings you to my home?”

“Well, we were traveling when we got stuck in the rain.”

“And what are two young foreigners doing out in the rain on their own?”

“Oh, we’re not alone. Our friend is…”

“…repairing our cart. May we come in?” Jamie asked.

“Hai,” Kisho said, standing back so they could come in, and he looked at Hoshi. “Go fetch them something to dry off with.”

Hoshi nodded as she left the main room and they looked around. Zoe was impressed with the simple wooden furniture and jade statues while Jamie looked at one of the paintings on the wall and Kisho smiled, standing next to him.

“I painted that,” Kisho said and Jamie smiled.

“It’s very pretty,” Jamie said as Hoshi returned with two white cloths, two kimonos, some tabi socks and two geta sandals. Walking to the table, she bowed to Kisho, placing the cloths, kimonos, tabi socks and geta sandals on the table, then left the room. “Where is she going?”

“She is going to get us something to eat. Now, why don’t you change out of those wet clothes? You can change behind those screens,” Kisho said, pointing to the silk screens at the corners of the room. Nodding, Jamie and Zoe picked everything up and slid behind the screens. A few minutes later, they came out from behind the screens and looked at each other. Zoe wore a light green kimono with white vines stitched into the silk, tabi socks and geta sandals and she placed her wet clothing on the wooden bench near the screen. Jamie had his arms crossed in front of the red kimono with yellow birds stitched into the silk, to keep it closed, as he looked at her and his belt and sporran were in his hand.

“How do you close this thing?” Jamie asked when Zoe walked closer and helped him tie the kimono shut. She looked down, seeing that he placed his boots back on, and sighed.

“Go put the socks and sandals on,” Zoe whispered.

“Why?” Jamie whispered.

“Because he’d be insulted if you don’t,” Zoe whispered.

Nodding, Jamie walked back behind the screen when he changed into the tabi socks and geta sandals and walked back out. Zoe smiled, seeing the sporran hanging low on his hips, and Jamie placed the wet clothes on the bench near the screen.

“This way,” Kisho said, with a nod, and pointed to the door.

“What aboot our clothes?” Jamie asked.

“Hoshi will take care of them,” Kisho said as they walked down the hallway and Zoe noticed the small gold statue of Buddha in an alcove. Smiling, she went to catch up with Jamie and Kisho and Kisho opened a door with a paper screen and they walked into the elegantly decorated room. At the center of the room was a low wooden table and some pillows on the floor and a large window faced them, showing them the rain falling outside. Walking to the table, Kisho sat on one of the pillows and nodded. Jamie and Zoe sat on the pillows when the door to the left opened and Hoshi walked into the room carrying a tray in her hands. Walking to the table, she placed the tray down then placed the cups, tea pot and plates on the table. Zoe looked at the food on her plate while Jamie thanked Hoshi as she served the tea and Hoshi nodded, smiling shyly at him.

“What is this?” Zoe asked.

“It is usagi, rice and yasai,” Hoshi said.

“She means rabbit, rice and vegetables, Kisho said, picking up the chopsticks. Watching how he used the chopsticks, Zoe started eating, but Jamie couldn’t figure out how they worked and poked one of the chopsticks into the chunk of meat and smiled. Kisho smiled, shaking his head, as he watched Jamie eat and Hoshi knelt on the pillow next to Jamie.

“Arenae you going tae eat, Hoshi?” Jamie asked.

“I will eat later, Jamie-san,” Hoshi said, nodding.

“Go hang their clothing up to dry,” Kisho said, as she stood up then left the room and Zoe looked at him.

“This is very good,” Zoe said, smiling.

“I am glad that you like it.”

“She said you were her ogee. What is that?” Jamie asked, placing some food in his mouth.

“It’s pronounced “oji”. I am her uncle. I took her in after her parents were killed,” Kisho said with a growl in his voice.

“Oh, that is terrible,” Zoe said.

“Yes, they were brutally murdered by ninja assassins.”

“What are ninjas?” Jamie asked, sipping on some tea. Kisho explained while the rain fell outside and tacked against the window.
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The wind moaned while seven pair of eyes looked at Kisho’s house and a low growl filled the air. Quietly, several figures moved toward the house as one of them held a hand up and pointed for them to duck down. Half crawling toward the wall, the ninjas stood against the wall when one of them quickly looked into the room where Kisho, Jamie and Zoe were and frowned.

“The old fool has company,” the lead ninja said.

“Are they samurai?” the other ninja asked.

“No, they are foreigners. Let’s go,” the lead ninja said as they moved along the wall when he felt something against his hand and smiled. Pushing on the secret switch, the wall popped open and he waved for them to follow him. One by one, the ninjas went inside the hidden passageway and he lit the lantern hanging on the peg. Nodding, he led the way as they walked silently down the passageway and the light from the lantern cast shadows on the walls.
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“Did you hear something?” Jamie asked, standing up and walked to the window. He looked out the window, but the rain made it hard to see anything as he sighed and Kisho walked to him.

“What did you hear?” Kisho asked.

“I’m nae sure. It sounded like something was walking around out there.”

“I think it was just the rain.”

“I guess so.”

“You have very sharp ears, Jamie-san, you would make a great student in the art of ninjitsu ,” Kisho said, smiling.

“What’s that?” Jamie asked,

“It is what one learns to become a ninja. I think you would be a natural.”

“Really?!” Jamie said, grinning and Zoe rolled her eyes.

“Come,” Kisho said while they walked to the table near the door and Jamie saw a small rack with three thin swords in scabbards on it and Kisho picked up the sword on the bottom of the rack. “This is a ninjato. It is the sword of a ninja.”

He slowly removed the ninjato from the scabbard as he handed it to Jamie and Jamie looked at the light dancing on the blade. Carefully, Jamie swung the ninjato back and forth before handing it back to Kisho and Kisho placed the ninjato in the scabbard. The door opened as Hoshi walked inside the room and had their clothes, Zoe’s shoes and Jamie’s boots in her hands. Bowing, she placed them on the pillows as Zoe thanked her and Hoshi left the room.

“I will leave you two to get dressed,” Koshi said, leaving the room and they looked at each other.

“Well?!” Jamie asked, crossing his arms over her chest.

“Well what?” Zoe asked.

“I’m nae going tae get dressed with you watching me!”

Rolling her eyes, Zoe turned around while Jamie got dressed and placed the kimono, tabi socks and geta sandals on the pillows.

“Alright, turn around.”

Zoe turned around as she watched him adjusting the sporran and smiled. He turned around as she got dressed and walked to him, tapping his back. Holding his hand out, they left the room and walked down the hallway.
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The hallway was quiet as the shadows flickered on the walls when one of the walls opened and the ninjas stepped out into the hallway. The leader of the ninjas nodded as they walked down the hallway and he peeked around the corner. Wiggling his fingers for them to follow, the ninjas walked down the hallway then stopped when they heard someone coming down the hallway.

“I think it’s this way,” Zoe’s voice said as they walked by and the leader of the ninjas nodded. They silently followed Jamie and Zoe until they went inside a room and the leader of the ninjas placed his hand up, stopping the others.
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Kisho stood by the window while Hoshi sat on the pillow, playing a shamisen, when Jamie and Zoe walked inside the main room and Hoshi shyly smiled at them. Kisho turned as he smiled and walked to them.

“Please sit,” Kisho said as they sat on the pillows and Hoshi placed the shamisen down on the floor. She stood, heading toward the door when, suddenly, several black balls rolled along the floor and popped, filling the room with smoke. Jamie, Kisho and Zoe stood up as Hoshi ran to them and Kisho placed them behind him. Watching the smoke fading, they saw several figures standing in front of them and Kisho growled.

“Who are they?” Zoe whispered.

“Ninjas,” Hoshi said.

Dressed in navy blue dogi with gauntlets on their arms that came up the back of their hands, tabi socks, geta sandals and hoods covering their faces, the ninjas held ninjatos and shuriken in their hands and the leader of the ninjas locked eyes with Kisho.

“Get out of my home!” Kisho shouted while the leader of the ninjas walked to him and placed the point of the ninjato against Kisho’s throat.

“Urusai!” the leader of the ninjas shouted as Kisho smiled and arched his left eyebrow.

“I know that voice,” Kisho said as the leader of the ninjas pulled the hood off his face and glared at him.

“Mamoru,” Hoshi whispered, sliding her arms around Jamie’s waist and Jamie held her.

“I said shut up!” Mamoru growled, glaring at Hoshi.

“Do NOT talk to your sister like that!” Kisho snarled.

“You’re his sister?” Zoe whispered and Hoshi nodded.

“What are you doing here?!” Kisho demanded.

“That is simple, Oji, I have come for you!” Mamoru snarled.

“So, it is true, you did kill your father.”

“The old fool would not give me what was rightfully mine!” Mamoru shouted.

“That is because there is no honor in you.”

“Do not talk to me about honor, Oji! You are the one entertaining foreigners!” Mamoru said, pointing at Jamie and Zoe.

“As master of this house, I offered them shelter from the storm.”

“Then they shall die as well!”

Before Mamoru could move, Kisho smacked the ninjato away and took the ninjato he had in his hand out of its scabbard and held it up in a defense position. The other ninjas moved closer as Kisho smiled and held the ninjato tighter in his hands.

“I know who the rest of you are. You are my brother’s students. Fudo, my brother only had good things to say about you. Haru, he took you in when no one wanted you. Is this how you repay him?! Akiyama, your father begged my brother to take you. Botan and Kanaye, the twin terrors, my brother should have known that twins were bad luck. Rafu, you were his favorite. I am ashamed of all of you.”

“Zakkenayo! He treated all of us like dirt!” Haru shouted, removing the hood. The others removed their hoods as he looked at them and sighed.

“Hoshi, please take our friends out of the room,” Kisho said as she nodded and gently pulled them toward the door.

“They are going nowhere!” Mamoru shouted as Botan and Kanaye moved toward them and Jamie sighed, feeling the anger building inside him.

“When I tell you to run, run,” Jamie whispered and Zoe smiled.

“He’s been hanging around the Doctor too long. He’s starting to talk like him,” Zoe thought as the two ninjas came closer and Jamie pulled Zoe and Hoshi behind them.

“Run!” Jamie shouted as they ran out of the room and Jamie stood in the doorway. Smiling, he turned around, lifting his kilt, and showed his bare bottom to them. Stunned, they looked at him as Jamie lowered his kilt and ran down the hallway.

“Get them!” Mamoru shouted as they ran out of the room and Kisho locked eyes with Mamoru.
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Jamie’s laughter echoed down the hallway as he ran around the corner and Botan and Kanaye were right behind him. He ran faster when Botan removed a shuriken from the secret pocket of his dogi. Jamie ran a zigzag pattern down the hallway as Botan took aim and tossed the shuriken. Spinning through the air, the shuriken hit Jamie as he grunted and fell to the floor. Laughing, the twins moved down the hallway when the sound of paper tearing filled the air and Hoshi stepped out into the hallway. She held a ninjato in her hands as they looked at her.

“Well, does the little rabbit think she is a lioness?!” Kanaye teased as he walked to her and she made her eyes into tight slits. Jamie moaned as she stood over his legs and Kanaye slid his ninjato into its scabbard. “Put that down before you hurt yourself, Rabbit”

Before he could move, Hoshi locked her legs then swung the ninjato and Kanaye’s head went sailing into the air, splattering blood on the walls.

“Brother?!” Botan shouted, watching his brother’s body twitch then fall to the floor and the head bounced to his feet.

“I guess this rabbit has sharp claws, hai?!” Hoshi said, smiling.

Roaring, Botan ran at Hoshi as she swung the ninjato and sliced one of his arms off then the other and he screamed. The screaming stopped as she cut his head off and his body fell to the floor near his twin’s body.

“Jamie!?” Zoe shouted, coming out of the room while Hoshi dropped the ninjato onto the floor and knelt near Jamie.

“He has been hurt!” Hoshi said as Zoe stepped over the body and knelt near Jamie, stroking his hair. She looked at Hoshi then at the bodies on the floor and blinked.

“Did you do that?!” Zoe asked, pointing to the bodies.

“Hai, I am my oji’s star pupil,” Hoshi said, nodding, while Jamie looked at them and frowned.

“Um, if it’s nae too much trouble, would you two mind helping me up?” Jamie asked as they carefully helped him up and Hoshi heard the screaming coming from down the hallway.

“This way,” Hoshi said as they held onto Jamie and headed down the hallway.
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Kisho watched as Mamoru, Fudo, Haru, Akiyama and Rafu surrounded him and he waited to see who made the first move. He knew that each of them were powerful enough to take on someone his size and strength, but also knew that they were afraid. Suddenly Rafu charged at him as Kisho spun around and sliced off Rafu’s arm and Rafu screamed. The arm twitched on the floor as Kisho swung the ninjato and Rafu’s head flew through the air, spraying blood onto the others. Watching the others, Kisho made his eyes into tight slits and Haru removed several shuriken from the pocket of his dogi. Koshi glanced at him, Haru flung the shuriken at him, and Koshi swiped the ninjato around, deflecting the shuriken. Two of the shuriken became lodged in Fudo’s leg as he screamed and fell to one knee. Three more shuriken hit Akiyama in the neck, chest and between his eyes as he fell to the floor and his body twitched a few seconds then laid still.

“You were always a rotten shot!” Koshi snarled as he swing the ninjato and sliced Haru’s hand off then plunged the ninjato into Haru’s chest. Haru fell to the floor while Fudo tried to stand, but Koshi swung the ninjato, slicing Fudo’s head off, and Fudo’s body twitched, falling to the floor. Mamoru looked at his fallen friends when he growled and locked eyes with Koshi. Suddenly Mamoru tossed three smoke bombs onto the floor as the smoke filled the room and Koshi held the ninjato tightly in his hands. Closing his eyes, he listened to the sound of the rain hitting the roof and glass when he heard something behind him and spun around, swinging the ninjato.

“You’re getting old, Oji!” Mamoru said, laughing. Keeping his eyes closed, Koshi listened to the room, keeping himself clam and his mind focused, when something moved to his right and he swung the ninjato. Mamoru screamed as Koshi smiled and could smell the blood mingling with the smoke. Again he heard something to his left when he spun around and swung the ninjato. Feeling it striking something, he opened his eyes and saw that most of the smoke was gone. Looking around, he saw something at his feet and knelt down, picking up Mamoru’s head. Sighing, he tossed it to the floor then cleaned the ninjato with the end of the sleeve of his kimono and placed it back into the scabbard. Walking out of the room, he went to find Jamie, Zoe and Hoshi and the blood spread across the floor.
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“I cannae walk another step,” Jamie said. Nodding, Hoshi slid open one of the doors as they went into a room and Zoe looked at him. Blood soaked the back of his leg and his right boot as he slowly turned and looked like he was about to faint.

“I will be right back!” Hoshi said, leaving the room and Zoe walked to Jamie.

“Take it off,” Zoe said, looking at his kilt and he looked down.

“You want me tae take my kilt off?!”

“I need to see it.”

“See what?!”

“I need to see where the shuriken is.”

“It’s stuck in my arse! Look, Zoe, nae that I dinnae trust you, but I think we should wait until we get back tae the Doctor.”

“But you’ll bleed to death if we don’t get it out now!”

Sighing, Jamie removed the belt and sporran while his kilt slid down his legs to the floor and Zoe saw that his jumper came to the top of his genitals. Moving closer, Zoe locked eyes with Jamie when she reached down and cupped his genitals in her hands.

“Um, Zoe, I dinnae think that’s it,” Jamie said, looking down.

“I know,” Zoe whispered, gently moving her fingers up and down.

“Uh, nae that I’m complaining, but I dinnae think this is the time tae do that.”

“Shhhhhh!” Zoe hushed, stroking his balls and Jamie felt a cool numbness going through him. Brushing her fingers along his crotch, she moved her hand over his hip and along his bottom and he rolled his eyes. She felt his genitals growing hard as she locked eyes with him and Jamie licked his lips. Moving closer, Jamie placed her head in his hands and kissed her. She gently rubbed her thumb against his balls as he shivered and felt her hand moved along his bottom. Jamie’s hands moved down her neck to her shoulders when she sighed and he started kissing her neck. Stroking his genitals some more, Zoe arched her head back and Jamie grunted, feeling the numbness growing stronger. She felt the sharp point of the shuriken when she took hold of it and pulled it out. Jamie’s eyes bugged out as he moved back and she held the shuriken in her hand.

“Shite, Zoe, did you have tae do it like that?!”

“Got it out, didn’t I?”

“Aye and it bloody hurt!”

“Oh, don’t be such a baby,” Zoe said when Hoshi ran into the room and she had a tray with white cloths, a bowl of water, a small knife, a cup, a small bottle of sake, some silk thread and a needle in her hands.

“I heard screaming! Are you all right, Jamie-san?” Hoshi asked. Noticing that he wasn’t wearing his kilt, she blushed and placed the tray on the table.

“I removed the shuriken,” Zoe said, showing her.

“Where was it?”

“It in my…” Jamie said, pointing to his bottom and Hoshi covered her mouth with her hands as she softly laughed.

“I am sorry. Jamie-san, I need you to drink this.”

Hoshi poured some of the sake into the cup as he looked at it and frowned.

“What is it?”

“It is sake.”

“She means rice wine,” Zoe said and Jamie drank it. Making a little cough, Jamie watched as Hoshi filled the cup again and nodded. She explained that the sake would make him relax and Jamie drank until he felt a little dizzy and lightly laughed.

“How do you feel?” Hoshi asked.

“I feel bloody marvelous. Hey, Zoe, why didnae you give me that before you yanked that thing out of my arse?!” Jamie asked.

“I didn’t have any on me!” Zoe said and he laughed.

“Please, Jamie-san, bend over so I can tend to your wound,” Hoshi said, blushing.

Sighing, Jamie bent over the table as she knelt down behind him and Zoe handed her the tray. Hoshi blushed then softly laughed as he painfully wiggled his bottom at her and turned, giving her a wink. Placing one of the cloths into the water, Hoshi touched it to the large gash and Jamie hissed, grabbing onto the table. After cleaning the gash, Hoshi threaded the needle with the silk thread and started sewing the gash shut. Groaning and hissing, Jamie closed his eyes and tried to not scream or faint and Hoshi told him that she was finished. Using the small knife to cut the thread, Hoshi stood up and left the room.

“Wh-where is she going?” Jamie asked as the sweat trickled down his face.

“She might have gone to wash her hands,” Zoe said and a few minutes later, Hoshi walked back into the room with some more cloth and one of them was folded into a small square.

“Zoe-san, will you help me?” Hoshi asked and Zoe nodded. Jamie jumped when Hoshi placed the small square over where the shuriken was and placed his hand on top. He watched as they wrapped the cloth around his hips and Zoe tucked some of the cloth between his legs. Hoshi tied the bandage as he looked down and sighed.

“I look like I’m wearing a nappy,” Jamie whispered. Zoe and Hoshi smiled when Kisho appeared in the doorway and leaned against the doorframe.

“Is everything alright?” Kisho asked.

“Oji, you are alive!” Hoshi said, running to him. Laughing, he hugged her and brushed the bangs out of her eyes.

“What happened to the ninjas?” Zoe asked.

“Well, get him dressed and I will show you.”

Hoshi helped Zoe get Jamie dressed as they walked down the hallway and Jamie held onto Zoe. Walking into the main room, Zoe gasped at the sight of the dead bodies and body parts littering the floor and Jamie looked at Kisho.

“You did this all by yourself?!” Jamie asked.

“Hai, after all, this is my dojo!” Kisho said, smiling. After saying goodbye to Kisho and Hoshi, Zoe held onto Jamie and they walked down the path, heading back to the TARDIS.
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“Now this is getting ridiculous!” the Doctor growled from under the console, trying to get two wires back into place. Giving up, he crawled out from under the console then stood up and cleaned his hands off with his handkerchief. Looking at the door, he wondered why Jamie and Zoe hadn’t returned, but knew the TARDIS would inform him if they were in any danger. “I do hope they are alright. Maybe I should go look for them.”

“Doctor, open the door!” Zoe’s voice said as he walked to the doors and opened them. Zoe half carried Jamie inside while he looked at them and closed the doors.

“Oh my giddy aunt, what happened?!” the Doctor asked, seeing Jamie covered in blood and Zoe led Jamie to the console. Explaining what had happened, leaving out what she did to Jamie, Zoe let go of Jamie and he held onto the console, trying not to scream. The Doctor looked at Jamie when he walked to him and Jamie breathed hard and fast through his nose.

“Well, dear boy, I hope you learned your lesson,” the Doctor said, swatting Jamie’s bottom where the shuriken had been and Jamie’s eyes went wide. Jamie’s blood curdling scream filled the air as the birds in a nearby tree took flight and the TARDIS slowly vanished.
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The End…
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