Sorry about the delay, I hope this chapter is worth it! :)
He felt himself begin to move, his steps far more sure, far more real than they were leaving Rose on the beach, leaving her side at the hub, leaving Torchwood; more real than walking out the door of the flat. This time his steps were going in the right direction.
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| Tenth Doctor, Torchwood | |
Never Say Never by Kimori1024 [Reviews - 58]  Chapter or Story Author's Notes: | |
The Doctor still wasn’t entirely convinced that Tori was right about her mother’s feelings. They’d had quite the nice talk, though their in depth discussion on which would be more effective in a fight, a plantain or a banana was interrupted by Robert falling off the sofa and abruptly awaking. The Doctor contented himself in watching Tori fuss over the boy. He hadn’t more than a tiny bruise on his head, but she’d given him an earful about being so stupid he’d be the only person on the planet to die from falling of a piece of furniture less than two feet off the floor. The Doctor couldn’t resist throwing in that there was at least six billion others that were just as likely. The joke of course went over the boy’s head, but the Time Lord got another giggle out of the girl. Somehow when he wasn’t looking he’d become addicted to that giggle. He’d miss it.
“You two should go out for a bit, explore the city. This London has a few differences from the one you lot know. Plus, its day time and I don’t think any of those headaches will be much of a problem for now.” The Doctor dug around in his pocket for a little plastic card and tossed it into Tori’s hands. “Go shopping or something.”
“What’s this?” The brunette looked at the card quizzically along with the boy now standing over her shoulder.
“Psychic credit card. Basically, when ATM machines fail you, this will be good anywhere with unlimited funds. Plus, its slightly-psychic capabilities fool the best computers.” The Doctor had traveled with enough young women to know that shopping was unavoidable. This recent little gadget he’d created made the treacherous hours just that much easier. From the massive grin on Tori’s face he could see she shared her mother’s love for any and all material objects. “Now, don’t spend it all in one place.” He arched his eyebrow and waggled his finger for emphasis.
“C’mon! Let’s go!” The Doctor watched the brunette grip her reluctant boyfriend’s arm and he couldn’t help but sympathize with the poor young man, for he knew that unique look of horror in his eyes.
“We’ve been wearing these clothes for days! Are we fit to...?” Robert struggled to protest, Tori quickly shut down his suggestion.
“That’s why we’ll be clothes shopping!” She only dropped the boy’s arm to allow herself to put her trainers on her feet.
Good, at least they’d be gone. As much as it broke his heart, he still wasn’t certain that Rose needed him. He’d hurt her badly and if he needed to leave he would. He hoped it wasn’t just his presence stopping Tori’s attacks, but there was nothing he could do about it. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he knew ultimately he’d be more trouble than he was worth. That’s the way it always was. Even if they’d decided they needed him, they were wrong; he had to believe that was true.
Arms found their way around his neck as a small five foot frame launched itself at his chest, sending the Doctor backward in surprise and his arms instinctively around the body gripping to him. He hadn’t been truly embraced in such a long time; the simple action took his breath away, sod the respiratory bypass. Tori hugged him tightly, before pulling away just as quickly, leaving the Doctor stunned and blinking as she walked back to Rob and took his hand. Without explanation the two walked out the door leaving a bewildered Time Lord in their wake.
He couldn’t wrap his head around why the girl would just hug him. Yes, he was certain they’d bonded a little, but it still seemed a bit out of the ordinary. Maybe she knew innately of his final decision and wanted to say goodbye? He forced himself to shrug it off, chalking it up to mood swings. The young woman was certainly a lot like him in that respect, among many others. He contemplated the girl’s recollection of a regeneration as an infant. Rose hadn’t mentioned it; not that he’d given her enough time. Maybe Tori was right, maybe all he and Rose needed to do was really talk; maybe he just needed to express how he felt....
No. He’d hurt Rose again. His feelings being heaped on top of her was the last thing she needed right now. He even hadn’t asked her to come with him. Even if she’d wanted to, it would just to be a way to fill the hole losing her husband left. She couldn’t possibly want him. Like she had said, he’d only been with her for two years and that other man, the one who was so much like him it hurt, had her for thirty one. No, he couldn’t go through with all of that again. There was a time when all doors needed to be closed. But then why did it hurt so much when he opened the door of the flat to leave?
Tori had said Rose still loved him. But did she really? Did he still love her? His hearts clenched; he knew the answer. He couldn’t even admit it to himself, but it didn’t mean that it wasn’t always on his mind. Of course he still needed her. Of course he still loved her; there wasn’t a moment he’d stopped doing so since she saved his life and swung into his arms under the London Eye. He knew it before Tori had forced him to face it; though every single time he’d faced Rose, they’d only managed to fight. It was over; it had to be. He shut the flat door behind him as he struggled to shut the door in his hearts.
He began to make his way down the stairs, digging around in his pocket for his sonic screwdriver. Now that it had remote control of the TARDIS, he could easily get away before he could change his mind, before his hearts told his head to turn the hell around. He stopped at the bottom of the first flight and patted down his pockets. He could have sworn his screwdriver was there. He knew if he didn’t get out of here now, something would happen to change his mind and he didn’t think he could leave if that happened. Damn it! Where was that screwdriver?!
“You can’t just go swanin’ off.” His ears perked up as the frenzied movements of his hands froze. He could hear a soft familiar voice, rough from crying call out from behind him.
Mouth completely dry, he miraculously found the ability to speak, careful not to move and not to look. “Yes I can, here I am. This is me swanin’ off...” He spoke quietly, the tone very different than the last time he’d uttered those very words at this very spot so long ago; testing the woman who he knew was now only a few steps behind him. Maybe if he just didn’t turn around he’d still be able to do it, maybe he’d still be able to do what was best and leave her again; break her heart a little now instead of crushing her later. That was what was best, wasn’t it? He desperately attempted to suppress images of Rose alone, un-ageing, unchanging as everyone she knew died around her... Maybe if they had each other it wouldn’t be so bad? No. She didn’t need him around... Thoughts buzzed through his skull until he felt as if he would explode.
“Please don’t go,” her voice cracked as she spoke matching the tiny cracks fracturing his resolve. He needed to do this, he needed to leave. But his hands were still, refusing to search and his feet, for once in his life, refused to run. He spun around meeting dark brown eyes surrounded by red. Tears stained those beautiful cheekbones and blonde hair plastered to the sides of her face. She hadn’t showered in the three days they’d been there and she wore jeans and an old t-shirt, but he’d never seen a sight more beautiful.
“I have to.” He had to, he did. He didn’t think he was strong enough to stay, though he doubted now he was strong enough to leave. A single tear caressed Rose’s cheek. He fought the urge to go to her and trace the wet trail, remove the evidence of her heartache. Oh Rassilon, he loved her.
Silence. Rose couldn’t speak, she’d used up everything she had to try and stop him; just to make him turn around. She couldn’t let him get away again. Maybe he hadn’t asked her to come, but god help her, she would force him to stay. It was selfish, it was wrong but it was the only thing she could do. Maybe he didn’t want her, but she needed to hear him say it. If he said he didn’t love her, she would finally know that there was never any chance. Her daughter was right, she loved him. This broken man that stood a few steps below her; his brown hair not quite as gravity defying as usual, desperately needing a shave and in a crumpled suit that had clearly seen better days. He carried so much pain and so many more heavy years behind those dark brown eyes; many more since the last time they were together. But he was absolutely beautiful.
“But you have to too.” For the first time since he’d been here, the Doctor didn’t utterly regret his words. In fact, for the first time he had said what he’d actually meant to. He felt himself begin to move, his steps far more sure, far more real than they were leaving Rose on the beach, leaving her side at the hub, leaving Torchwood; more real than walking out the door of the flat. This time his steps were going in the right direction. Rubber soled trainers started up the stairs, his pace quickened. The whirling thoughts in his head were washed out by the thumping of his hearts. The logic of why what eh was about to do was wrong ceased to make sense. And he grabbed her, knocking the blonde back onto the steps.
He felt two arms wrap around his back, gently holding him still and for the first time he realized he was shaking. The gentle grip at his back morphed into an embrace soaked in desperation. If they didn’t hold to each other, they’d fall apart. A broken man with years of guilt and horrors spilling through his tears encircled his hands covered with the blood of so many souls around the woman. The fractured woman carrying the guilt and shame of never being able to fall out of love whose mind always seemed to be living a double life clutched to the chest of the man, feeling the only heart beats that were as broken as hers.
Neither spoke for what felt like eternity. Time and space rushed past, but the world ceased existence around them. The Doctor feared speaking would shatter the dream like state they were in, but he needed to ask.
“Is that a yes?” He didn’t dare to sound too hopeful, but her arms around him had him flying.
“Are you only asking because you feel obligated?” Though right now, if Rose was honest, she didn’t care. She’d follow him forever, but she needed to know for sure.
“Where else can you go?” He was blunt, he had to be. The images of this beautiful woman forever alone haunted him again, dropping his mood slightly.
“You didn’t answer my question...” Her eyes met his. The deep brown was soft but demanding.
“Would you come only to replace him?” The Doctor couldn’t help but look away. She didn’t need to ask who the older man meant.
“Doctor...”
The Time lord swallowed deeply and blurted out before he could stop himself, tears falling fast and free as he broke completely. “Because I need you and that’s very him.” The last syllable wasn’t spoken into the air, but a warm mouth that enclosed on the Doctor’s.
Rose kissed him fiercely. She hadn’t planned it and she feared that he’d pull away, but he made no such move. His tongue requested access to her mouth and she granted his wish without hesitation. Somewhere in her mind it registered that she was being lifted and carried up the remaining stairs. She’d only fully realized they had moved when her back hit hard up against the door of the flat.
Without breaking the kiss, he fumbled with the door knob. He silently thanked any high being listening for the door being unlocked because he never could locate his sonic screwdriver. Not that that was a very pressing matter. The pressing matter was currently asserting itself against the confines of his trousers. She gasped as the proof of his arousal pressed against her hip. The reaction was uncontrollable; she was so close. Her scent, her taste, her touch overwhelmed his senses as his control quickly dwindled. His foot kicked the door open as he dashed forward, bombarding eventually to his destination.
Rose found herself half sitting and half lying on the sofa below the Doctor. Her hands roamed over his back underneath his trench as his hands glided under her t-shirt. It felt so right to be with him. At first she was shocked at his body’s reaction, but even more so to that of her own as an unmistakable moist warmth grew between her thighs. For once in so very long, she felt complete; she felt alive. She wasn’t a middle aged widow, but a young woman in the prime of her life, with the love of that life and nothing else was needed.
He hadn’t forgotten her taste and he hungered for more as he pushed her shirt up higher and off over her head. She wore a plain white bra, nothing special, but that cotton fabric was far sexier than anything he’d seen before her or since he’d left her. He relished in the tiny groan that was forced down his throat when he gently squeezed the rounded flesh. He pulled his mouth away, despite the blonde’s protests and began to gently caress her neck with his lips and tongue as they made their way to their ultimate destination a mere few inches away. He dipped his skillful tongue at her clavicle when she moaned.
Scenes flashed before her eyes as he touched her. She was taken back to so long ago... “John...” She hadn’t realized she’d spoken until she felt his weight pull away from her body.
“Doctor... I...” She stumbled over her words not really knowing what to say.
“It’s fine...”
“I’m sorry.... I didn’t mean...” She didn’t know what to say. What could she say?
“Really, it’s okay...” The Doctor shifted to sit on the sofa beside the stuttering woman. He couldn’t look at her so he stared at his hands on his lap.
“It’s just... Maybe were...” She hazarded a look in his direction and suddenly felt very naked beside him. His hearts were breaking once again before her. He would blame himself. She struggled to find the right words. “It’s my fault; maybe I’m just not ready yet. At least, not for this.” She gestured awkwardly as her voice trailed off.
“It’s okay, alright... fine.” The Doctor nodded slowly.
“I’m sorry... I don’t know what happened...” Rose watched him and at that moment she just wanted to die. She was so close, so close to having something good happen but she had to go and mess it up. She wouldn’t blame his if he had left.
“Rose,” he suddenly turned to her as he spoke. “I understand... We look the same and probably act the same in nearly every way.” He did understand, but it was no longer enough reason for him to turn and leave. “And I don’t blame you for moving on, I did as well...” He’d wanted her to be happy with him, John Smith. He had left her with a man that could love her when he couldn’t. “He doesn’t deserve to be forgotten.”
“No, I don’t think you do understand Doctor. I loved him, yes, but only because I loved you first. I miss him so much sometimes and it hurts. We were both forced to move on... John will always be a part of me, just as your past is a part of you.” Her eyes searched his nervously awaiting approval. “I think we both just need a bit of time, yeah?”
“Yeah... if there’s one thing I got it’s time.” He tried to grin, though he could feel himself failing miserably. He could feel his hands being pulled apart as her hand slid perfectly into one of them.
“Things are different now, but we made it before.” She clasped his hand more tightly for emphasis. “We started just like this, hand in hand more than once. Everything else fell into place around this. But no matter where all of this leads, we can try to do it together.”
His eyes met hers as he intertwined their fingers, squeezing her hand. “Knowing all of that and how much we’re gonna need to work on it and all of the fights, do you still wanna come with me?”
“Well, I’m not leavin’ go of this hand so either it’s comin’ off or I guess I have to.” The she laughed and he couldn’t help but follow suit. As their laughter died down, they sat in silence just looking at the other and relishing in the touch of the others hand. Rose shivered slightly, her skin notifying her that she was still without a top. The Doctor’s eyes caught her trembling and he pulled her to his chest with his free hand.
Her face snuggled into his chest, his musty scent filling her senses. She stole a look up at him as he rubbed her back, his fingers drifting slowly over the clasp of her bra. With her tongue firmly in the corner of her lips she poke cheekily, “Promise you won’t try anything?”
“When have I ever forced you to do something?” She could hear the mock hurt in his voice.
“I can thing of a few occasions off the top of my head...”
“Okay, fair enough. Anything you didn’t want to do that wasn’t for your own good?”
She cleared her throat playfully in response, waiting for him to try again.
“Alright fine, have I ever forced you to do something where I actually succeeded?”
“Nope! And you never ever will!” Her smile beamed up at him and he matched it with a broad grin of his own.
“Never say never Miss Tyler or would that be Mrs. Smith?”
“Shu’up and just hold me...” The hand that wasn’t attached to the Time Lord’s wrapped around his back under the brown trench coat.
“On one condition, you promise to hold me too.” He planted a kiss gently to her hairline as he spoke. Rose closed her eyes as she settled her head against the double heartbeat in his chest.
“Sounds like a plan.”
The pair fell asleep in the slowly setting evening sun. Their arms, fingers and hearts intertwined knowing now that they’d never really been apart.
TBC
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