Brand new chapter! Yay! :) And the drama continues... Hope you all enjoy!
Un-beta'd - All mistakes are my own.
“Why? Would it have changed your mind if you knew you were condemning me?” Her anger spurred on more tears, though his face seemed unchanging, completely devoid of emotion.
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| Tenth Doctor, Torchwood | |
Never Say Never by Kimori1024 [Reviews - 58]  Chapter or Story Author's Notes: | |
The Doctor carried Tori into the flat. He saw that Rob wanted to be the one to hold her, but he didn’t want to upset her incase she awoke and was still a bit angry with the boy. He couldn’t help but smile at the jealousy and love on the boy’s face. He gestured toward the sofa and whispered as he made his way into the corridor, “You’ll probably be sleeping there. Don’t worry, you get used to it.”
Upon hearing the door shut, Rose rushed into the hall. “Oh my god! Tor-” her voice instantly hushed when she saw her daughter cradled in the Doctor’s arms. Her eyes were puffy, clearly from tears and worry.
“Shh... She’s fine, I’ll just lay her in the other room,” the Doctor whispered as he proceeded to enter Jackie Tyler’s old bedroom and lay the girls soundly sleeping body on the bed.
“What the hell happened?” Despite Rose’s best efforts to keep her voice low, her tone was edged with anger.
“These aren’t just headaches.” The Doctor swept the brunette’s hair from her eyes and adjusted her head on the pillow. His finger tips briefly brushed the girl’s temples, reassuring him that her mind was now peacefully dreaming.
“Do you think I don’t know that?” The blonde woman easily brushed past the Time Lord. She leaned over her sleeping daughter. She had never ended up unconscious before, but now they didn’t even have her medicine. “Oh, my poor baby girl...” Rose sat on the bed, careful not to disturb Tori. Her eyes pricked with tears at the sight of the helpless young woman..
“How old is she?” The Doctor stepped back from the mother and daughter. Now, more than ever, he knew he didn’t belong here. This girl may be just like him in so many ways, but she wasn’t his daughter and Rose was not his wife. But still, he needed to know for sure.
“Twenty-six. Why?” Rose replied without removing her eyes from the young woman on the bed.
“You don’t change then... I was pretty certain after Tori explained a few things, but I wanted to hear it from you.” His only reply was silence, so he continued. “Rose...”
The blonde quickly stood up from her position on the bed and hastily left the room. She didn’t want to discuss something like this right now; she had more than enough on her mind. She only hoped he could take a hint. She heard him follow her down the corridor, clearly not ready to give in. He never could, could he? Rose swiftly turned into her bedroom and the Time Lord followed. His hands gripped the door, preventing her from shutting it.
“Rose... You didn’t age and he did....” His words were a statement, not a question. The Doctor’s eyes followed the woman as she sat down on the pink bed. She didn’t look at him; instead he watched her eyes momentarily stray to a piece of jewelry lying on the side table before directing her gaze firmly at the ceiling. The gleam of the ring caught his eye as well.
“I had to watch him die,” her voice was quiet. She wasn’t entirely sure if he’d heard it, or if she’d wanted him to.
“I’m sorry...” But he had heard her and he had never felt more useless than he did at that moment.
“Because no, I don’t change.... I don’t age. The curse of the Bad Wolf I suppose...” While she continued to stare up at the ceiling, she could feel his gaze burn into her. She could always feel his eyes when they were on her.
“But you tried to kill yourself?” She didn’t respond, so he continued. The Doctor knew it wasn’t smart to push her, but he couldn’t help it. He needed to know. “Rose... Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Sorry, I was a bit busy.” The sarcasm in her tone cut him. She was still looking up at the ceiling, not willing to meet his eyes.
“Rose...”
“I had nothing left, alright? I know that’s selfish, but I couldn’t....” Suddenly, she was staring at him and he could see why she’d been so intent on looking up. Not because she couldn’t bear the sight of him, but because she didn’t want to cry. Tears flowed down her face. “Not again....”
“I meant, why didn’t you tell me that you didn’t age?”
“It doesn’t really become apparent until you’re teenage daughter starts looking like your sister!” The Doctor didn’t respond, not that she would’ve allowed him to. “Why? Would it have changed your mind if you knew you were condemning me?” Her anger spurred on more tears, though his face seemed unchanging, completely devoid of emotion.
“No... That’s not what I meant...” She swallowed in an attempt to calm herself. No, she hadn’t been condemned. She’d had a very happy life for some time. “That’s not fair. I... I loved every moment I shared with John.”
“John, right, my clone.” The Doctor nodded. He kept his speech short and his eyes cold; something he’d perfected in his years alone.
“He wasn’t a clone! Don’t degrade my husband like that! He wasn’t you! You aren’t him!” She needed to yell at him. If she didn’t blame someone she would break beyond recognition. At least John never left her, or at least not by choice. But still, when she saw the Doctor standing here alive, she hated him for it. And yet, part of her just wanted to scream that she still needed him.
“Well, I know that!” the Doctor barked back more sharply than he’d wanted, his carefully crafted façade cracking ever so slightly. He wondered if she could see him shake as she tore him apart.
“Well he was more than just a copy of you! I loved him! I lost him and I was left alone! I don’t need your pity or for you to feel guilty! You aren’t my husband and you can never be him. I loved him so much for thirty one years of my life, not just two. I loved him!” She loved him, she did. The soft morning sunlight danced through the window onto her ring that lay forgotten on the nightstand. She had to prove that to the Doctor. She didn’t need to prove it to herself. But those three little words were so heavy on her tongue. She felt so guilty, so dirty. The Time Lord still stood, looking back at her in silence. Not matter how wrong it felt or how much she hated herself for it... “And yet, sometimes...” She could feel the words slip through her lips before she could pull them back.
“Do you still love me?” The Doctor blurted it out and watched her face, which had previously been lost in thought and anger, redden and stare at him in shock. He needed to know. He needed to know what he was here with her. He needed to know if he still meant something to this girl that still held his hearts.
“What?”
“Or did you stop when you fell in love with him?” He’d wanted her to be happy. He had wanted her to fall in love and live a life with that other man. Or at least, that was what he’d told himself. Though he secretly hated that man and even her at times for daring to be happy when he wasn’t, when he was so alone. He was a fool for thinking she’d still care for him after all of this. A tear escaped his carefully guarded mask and he began to turn away, to run when one word stopped him in his tracks.
“No...” she couldn’t stop herself. For so long, Rose had told herself that she was over this man. She was in love and happy. Yes, she loved her John, but something broke inside her at that moment and there was no going back.
“What?” The Doctor slowly walked back into the room, stopping a bit closer to the bed.
“NO! I never stopped loving you!” She was suddenly twenty years old again and standing on a windswept beach, pouring her heart out in desperation. “I told him, on the beach that day that I could never love him. He loved me so fucking much, and that’s what I said to him! I hurt him so much and still he stayed with me!” The tears ran down her cheeks. It hurt so much, what she’d done to him. Guilt gripped her. “But little by little, I couldn’t help but fall. Five years to that day our daughter was born. And god I loved him. I do love him. We were happy.” She had been happy, but there had always been something missing. She just hadn’t been brave enough to admit it. The guilty feeling in her gut intensified. She never truly gave her heart to him, but it was only now when she was utterly broken that she could face it. “But still, there were nights I’d wake up thinking about you and only you.” She stared at the Doctor. She hated him for it, love him for it. “And then I wasn’t sure during the day or when I was in his arms who I was cheating on. You or him! Damn it Doctor! It just wasn’t fair!”
“Rose...” He stepped forward, his hand stopping just short of her shoulder, just as it had back at Torchwood. Her sobbing hadn’t ceased, though she was no longer looking at him. Her hands rung through her hair as she rocked on the bed.
“But I loved him! I still do! Most of my life he was the one there for me! Not you! And then I had to watch him get old and die! And still, I loved you. My husband was dying in hospital, and still my dreams were filled with you! And I felt horrible about that. Because just because I gave my heart to him, doesn’t mean that there wasn’t a piece he could never touch because it belonged to you!”
The next action was mutual as they embraced each other. Neither quite knew who had initiated the hug, but neither cared. Tears ran down his face as he clung to her for his life. Her hands pulled roughly at his back as she burrowed her face deep into his chest. They didn’t speak; there had been more than enough words for now. So much still needed to be said, but their need to hold on was far greater. They were both soaked in guilt, fear and loneliness. Maybe, just maybe even if it was a lie, they didn’t need to be alone.
“I miss the one heart....” She pulled away gently to his dismay, but her hand continued to hold on as she gripped his.
“You told me that you couldn’t watch the people you love wither and die. I had to watch everyone die around me. My mum, my dad... My own husband... And someday my little brother and everyone else that I have ever known. And Tori will have to go through all of that as well... And it hurts Doctor...” She hooked here eyes now firmly upon the wedding ring.
“I know... Too well...” His eyes also settled on the small glittering object as his hand reflexively squeezed hers ever more tightly.
“Everyone dies... Everything turns to dust.”
“Well, clearly I’m not. I’m alive and well, and so are you...” he cut off, not really sure where to go next. She hadn’t asked why he’d left her and it hung in the air like ATMOS smog.
“I can’t come with you... Not this time. It hurts too much. That’s over...” She didn’t look his way as she spoke.
“I didn’t ask.” His voice was very quiet. It would break him apart to say it louder. But as she’d said, he wasn’t her husband. He’d effectively ruined her life and neither of them could take that again. Her heart belonged to another man, she was just confused. She didn’t love him anymore and she definitely didn’t need him. He could never love her properly and maybe someday he would fully believe that he’d proven to himself he didn’t need her.
“I was young and stupid... I’m a different person now.... I’ve got a daughter, I’ve got responsibilities. I can’t do that again.” She continued. She babbled on with reasons she knew wouldn’t stop her; couldn’t stop her.
“Me too.... That was a long time ago.” She could never still want to come with him. He couldn’t bear to hear her say no.
Rose abruptly stopped speaking wondering why he hadn’t made any attempt to stop her. Then it dawned on her and her heart broke. “You didn’t ask?” His only reply was silence as he looked down at his knees. She stared at him in shock and pulled her hand away from his as if his very touch burned her skin.
“Um.... Uh... right. I’ll just go check on Tori now.” She practically ran to the door. She needed to get out of this room and away from this man. He really was a stranger. No, he wasn’t her husband, but he didn’t even seem to be the man she remembered.
“Rose, she needs her rest.”
“Then I’ll go check on Rob...” Rose continued on her way, but not before grabbing the ring off the table. “He knows what its like to be alone.”
“Rose...” The Doctor brought himself to look up; but the room was entirely empty. He groaned and fell back onto the bed. His hands covered his face. They were wet when he pulled them away.
TBC
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