Brand new, shiny chapter! I hope you all enjoy!
Unbeta'd - all mistakes my own.
You’re just afraid... you just want to run... This was supposed to be over... it is meant to be over... Why the hell isn’t it over?!
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| Tenth Doctor, Torchwood | |
Never Say Never by Kimori1024 [Reviews - 58]  Chapter or Story Author's Notes: | |
A few hours later, Ianto stopped by the flat claiming he was there on orders from Jack to take them grocery shopping as all the food in the flat would have long since expired. The Doctor suspected it was just Torchwood’s way of spying on them, but all of the products in the refrigerator and cabinets had sell-by dates in 2007 so Rob and Tori had agreed to go with him down to the local shops. The almighty Time Lord found himself once again, watching the telly in silence still unable to concentrate on any of it. His mind kept traveling back to the conversation with Tori earlier that morning.
“You know, Doctor... Mum knows you’re not him too.”
And he was sure she did. It wasn’t his name Rose had been crying; no ‘Doctor’, just ‘John’. John Smith he assumed.... that must have been the name he took on parallel earth. That name was an old faithful that never let him down through UNIT in the 70s or a professor in the early 1900s. But he wasn’t the John Smith she wanted, that man was dead.
And yet, he goes on...
“I heard you and Tori talking this morning... Did my daughter tear you out?”
His mouth went dry, his head spinning around. Her blonde hair was down now, cascading over her shoulders and she’d changed into jeans and a jumper from her old wardrobe; his hearts skipped when he realized that they were the same clothes she’d worn that night at Henrick’s. Her face was still absent of makeup, he noted, though her eyes were clearly reddened from recent crying.
“To shreds...” He watched her eyes examine him and he wondered who she saw when she looked at him. She was fingering some sort of charm around her neck, a ring. It may be better not to know who she saw after all. Swallowing, he continued, “Mind you, I understand. I was a right nasty teenage for more than 50 years... “He gripped his ear nervously, but he couldn’t look away. “Gave all of the professors at the academy absolute hell!” And then he laughs. For such a brilliantly clever Time Lord, he sure was an absolute idiot.
An awkward silence washed over both of them as they just stared at each other. It was killing him. He had a gob after all, quite a bloody big one too and yet... nothing. So much needed to be said; his hearts were screaming but his head drowned out the noise with forgotten logic. This would be wrong... She doesn’t want you anyway... You don’t want this... It’s been too long... You’re just afraid... you just want to run... This was supposed to be over... it is meant to be over... Why the hell isn’t it over?!
“Soo...” Then she spoke, dragging him out of his thoughts. He must have visibly shook because she jumped a slightly. It was quiet, so very quiet; but loud enough to block out any other distraction in this universe, or the next one for that matter.
“Soo...” he echoed her sentiment and continued. “Umm... Tori and Robert went with Ianto to get some food and things...”
“I know...” She swallowed and briefly turned her head as if searching for a distraction, anything at all. Her fingers incessantly pulled at the ring around her neck, but it didn’t seem to be enough. It should have been enough. She should turn around right now, but it just wasn’t enough. “I heard them go...”
“Right...” The Doctor looked down at his clasped hands; when he had clasped them so tightly he had no recollection. He should say something... Something about the beach, something about the other him, anything to make this aching feeling stop....
“Do you think there’s any tea in this place?” She looked at him a few moments longer and then turned into the kitchen. Before he knew it, he was up and had followed her. He had always said that tea made everything just a bit better, though from the current situation he seriously doubted how much affect it would have. Yet, he stood, leaning against the counter, watching her rustle through the cabinets to find the same tea he had had earlier. He didn’t mention it was stale as she silently took a kettle over to the sink.
“Why don’t you let me do it?” He leaned over her shoulder to take the kettle from her hands, but as she gripped to it harder and refused to look at him.
“No, I can do it, its fine....” She jerked the kettle away from him slightly and he stepped back. “I’m not entirely useless, I can make tea.”
“Rose...”
“I mean, I’m not good for much these days. I even slammed the door in your face!” A nervous laugh left drifted from her lips. “I can’t even control my own daughter! Not to mention, I’m probably the reason we’re all here....” She was grasping the pot even more tightly now and he feared it would break under the pressure.
“Please, let me...”
Her tone suddenly changed completely when she finally turned to look at him. She hadn’t meant to startle him, though he looked taken aback from her sudden change. “Did you know that this was the kettle I used the day you came here? I told mum you were a reporter and you got attacked by a big plastic hand?” Her hair fell across her eyes as she poured water from the tap into the little kettle, turning back to the sink. She didn’t dare turn back to him again; she didn’t think her heart could handle it. He was too close and this was too impossible. Part of her just wanted to run. The ring hanging on the chain suddenly felt like a ten tonne weight against her chest.
“Yeah... Good times...” he spoke quietly, no emotion apparent in his voice.
The two of them finished making the tea in silence. More quietly still, they each took a mug full and went back into the living room. The Doctor sat back on the sofa and for a fleeting moment, it looked as if she would sit beside him. But the moment quickly passed and Rose seated herself in the stuffed chair a few feet away.
She started. She was always the one that would. “I never thought it would be like this, y’know...” She carefully took a sip of her tea, though she quickly pulled back from the scalding heat. Pulling her knees to her chest, she placed the mug down on the table. She swallowed deeply and licked her burnt lips before continuing, “... finding you again.”
“Neither did I.” He cursed himself for not thinking of anything better to say. Was he supposed to say that he never thought that this would happen; never planned for this to happen? That would sure go over well. He nervously took a sip from his own mug, feeling the burn and knew he deserved it.
“I mean, it’s so strange....” She couldn’t decide whether to look away or at him, her eyes darted back and forth. She ran her fingers nervously through her hair, her other hand coming back to play with the tiny ring around her neck again as her eyes settled on the TV. “I never planned to see you again...”
“Yeah....” He wondered why it hurt so much to hear her say it like that, though it was true for the both of them.
“Not that I didn’t...y’know...”
“Yeah, of course, yeah... I,” he heard himself speak, but it didn’t feel like his voice. He didn’t know how to finish his sentence, though Rose didn’t seem to have noticed that he spoke.
“You know, it is strange. I only spent two years of my life with you, but I spent thirty-one with him, with my John.” She suddenly dropped the ring as if it burned to the touch and ran her fingers through her hair again. She gazed up at the ceiling, hugging her legs tightly. “Seems so small... so insignificant now....”
“That’s... quite some time... ” She cut him off midsentence.
“How about you then?” The smile on her face was fake; so foreign to those beautiful lips. She was looking at him now. “How ‘ave you been?”
“Fine.... yeah...”
“Right...”
“Right...” He repeated her, neither of them sure where this was going, or more importantly where they wanted it to go.
“Sorry ‘bout Tori... She gets.... Y’know...” Her brain struggled to say something.
“Yeah, I understand... right nasty teenager for fifty years... I... already said that didn’t I?” The Doctor gripped his ear nervously as he spoke, but his actions earned a tiny laugh from the blonde girl as she looked back up at the ceiling.
“Yeah...”
“Right, so.... You look well....”
“Don’t lie... I look shit.” Her forced smile faded. She’d managed to wear it for so long and yet... How could he still break her?
“You couldn’t if you tried... You don’t look a day over twenty...” He immediately regretted his comment as he saw her eyes darken. Thirty-one years and she hadn’t aged a day. He could tell it hurt; He knew it hurt. He wondered why she’d kept this secret from him or even when she’d first realized.
The uncomfortable silence reared its ugly head again. Neither wanted that, so the Doctor decided he would boldly begin speaking. He needed to say something important this time. She must be feeling very confused, hell; he was very confused so she must be beyond mystification. There was so much that needed sorting, and said sorting would start here and now.
“It isn’t raining today. Nice weather unlike yesterday, yeah?” he fumbled over his words as he spoke. Bollocks. Brilliantly clever Time Lord making small talk about the weather, very important...
“The weather is nice though, isn’t it? No more rain...” She took him up on his sad attempt at small talk. If they just avoided what was really happening... Rose looked over her knees at the man on the sofa. If they could just avoid it all, maybe they could fool themselves into believing that this dream wouldn’t mutate into a nightmare. “It’s over....”
“Over... yeah....”
Rose continued, not giving the alien man a chance “I mean, as a kid, I used to love the rain. I’d just go outside and dance it.” She smiled and the tiny expression warmed his hearts. “Mum would yell at me and say I’d catch cold and well, I did. I... always... did. But then it was over and the rain ended. Then all of a sudden, I resented the rain. I just wanted it to stop but now, even on sunny days all I can think about is when is the rain coming? Why won’t it rain?” She knew she was babbling, but she couldn’t help herself. There was so much that was just being tip toed around. There was so much they both needed to say but neither of them could. There was so much she felt but didn’t want to feel because it just hurt too much. And yet, here she was talking about the rain and unable to speak of anything else and she didn’t know why.
“Rose... I don’t see...”
“Because it always rains... Everywhere....” She spoke quickly, not wanting to hear what he would say.
“Rose...”
“And I’m just bloody sick of the fucking rain! All the bloody time!” She could feel herself scream at him. Rose caught her breath as her mind reeled.
“Rose!” The Doctor yelled back. This wasn’t what he wanted.
“How?! How the fuck do you get off even being here right now?!” She could feel the tears roll down her face and noticed that her feet were on the floor and that she’d knocked over her tea cup. Her whole body shook. She was the one in the wrong place, that she knew. But she just couldn’t help it. The anger bubbled to the top; anger was easier to deal with than the hurt and confusion her heart was exploding with.
“What?” The Doctor stood up as well, his hearts pounding.
“Why are you doing this?” He could hear the desperation in her voice as her words became slurred with sobs.
“Rose...” He placed his hand out to her. He wanted to know what she was going through because if it was half as bad as what felt every day she didn’t deserve it; of all people, she didn’t. He’d always ended up hurting her.
“Why?!”
And then it slipped. “I didn’t! You did!” He immediately regretted his actions but didn’t stop. He was back on that beach so long ago. He had left her then because it had hurt too much as he watched her heart break. Here they were in the same room, after everything, and all they could do was break each others hearts. There weren’t universes between them, just the walls of the past thirty years around their own souls.
“I would never-” she spoke quietly. She would never do this on purpose. She couldn’t handle it because it would never work. She’d assured herself of that everyday.
“How about I ask why you slammed the bloody door in my face? Or why you won’t say a word to me?! What do you want from me?!” He continued to scream at her and she continued to break before his eyes. Her eyes seemed to see something else entirely. She looked so small, so fragile. He hated himself for having yelled at her. But she had deserved it, hadn’t she? He didn’t bring her here and it was Jack who had forced him to come to the flat with them. He didn’t need this again. He didn’t. But no one, not even Rose, had forced him to stay and that’s what hurt the most.
Her voice was so tiny, so weak but she didn’t cry for she found that she couldn’t. Desperately, she gripped to her wedding ring again. “I want him.”
“Come Visit the Beautiful Beaches of Norway — The perfect stop on your trip of a life time. Remember, once you go, you’ll never go back; Bad Wolf Travel.”
“Norway? Bloody Norway? It’s freezin’! Why would anyone wanna go there? Seems like a right miserable place, doesn’t it?” Tori’s voice trailed into the flat, commenting on an ad on the telly.
“Never been there... And....” Rob walked into the living area, his arms full of shopping bags. “No, nope don’t want to.”
“Seems like the worst place in the world...” The brunette walked past the Doctor and her mother, her eyes moving between the two. “You guys alright? Hey, mum, is he botherin’ you?” Rose looked up at her daughter from where she stood and smiled sadly and uttering a barely audible ‘I’m fine’ before leaving the room
“When did...?” The Doctor flipped around to watch Rose leave, caught between the equally pulling emotions to follow or stay. He ultimately admitted defeat and watched the boy and girl unpack multiple bags onto the dining table.
“Where would you like these, ma’am?” Ianto, or a man with Ianto’s voice and possibly no face entered the room with a stack of boxes so high that it towered above his head.
“Oh, thanks! Just put the chocolate bananas down here then.” Tori winked at Ianto as she spoke. He immediately jumped back from her after placing the boxes down where she had pointed. “Great party food, they are.” She gave him her best grin and he nearly tripped over his own boots.
“R-right... just call if you need anything. Don’t hesitate!” Ianto stuttered as he quickly made his way out of the door. The Doctor’s eyes followed the clearly terrified man, he half expected him to hold out a cross the way he looked at the smiling young woman as he darted out the door.
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