Pants by spastasmagoria [Reviews - 11] |
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"But look at him. Look at that grumpy-face. That’s the face of a man with serious chafing.”
In disgust, the gentleman in the dark leather jacket wiped sticky, too-moist chocolate chip batter from his nose. “Now, if you two will excuse me,” the Doctor declared loudly, hanging on the entry way to the messy kitchen, “I have something better to do. Like gouge my eyes out with spoons.”
Adding insult to injury, Rose waited until the Doctor turned around, then used her wooden spoon to fling more batter at the Doctor’s back as he was leaving. It hit the leather dead center then slowly moved downward. Instead of marching off in a huff, he spun back around and glared at Jack who held his batter-coated hands up. “It wasn’t me!”
The Doctor’s eyes narrowed. “You know, she wasn’t this… this…”
“Cheeky,” Jack supplied helpfully.
The ship’s owner didn’t correct him. “…Before you got here.”
Rose at least had the decency to look downward and try to pull some batter out of the tips of her plaits. “We were just…”
The Doctor frowned “making a mess. All over the galley, all over each other, and then you have to go and drag me into your…your…depravity.”
Jack rolled his eyes. “It’s just cookie dough.”
“Which usually does a lot better if you bake it, instead of… painting each other with it.”
Rose still wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Well, it was too wet.”
“Add more flour,” the Doctor snapped back, seeming to have an answer for everything in the universe, including cooking ills.
Taking the spoon from Rose, Jack stirred the remaining contents of the oversized stone bowl. “We’re outta flour.” Everything went silent for a moment. Jack dipped two fingers into the batter and licked the drippy mess off in a slightly sensual manner. “You know,” he smacked around the food, “what your problem is?” He didn’t wait for the Doctor to respond. He simply swallowed the dough and marched onward with his observation about life, the universe and everything. “You don’t wear underpants.”
Rose sputtered, even though there wasn’t anything in her mouth. “HUH?”
Jack licked his thumb. “Think about it, Rose. That’s why he’s a grumpy bastard all the time. He’s not wearing underpants.”
The Doctor folded his arms over his chest and looked away like it was preposterous.
“Are you?” Rose asked before she could stop herself.
Using the wooden spoon, Jack managed to fill his mouth with more batter than should be consumed at one time. He still swallowed, however. Shaking his head from the sudden sugar surge, he licked his lips. “I think his silence is all the answer I need.”
Shifting uncomfortably, the Doctor glared at Jack. “Why wouldn’t I wear underpants? Better yet, why would I wear underpants? Underpants are a human invention.”
Rose blinked, trying to figure out whether the Doctor was saying he did or didn’t wear pants. “Aliens don’t wear pants?”
The spoon lost its effectiveness and Jack eventually went to his fingers as the bowl was cleaned out. “Some do. They just don’t call ‘em underpants. But look at him. Look at that grumpy-face. That’s the face of a man with serious chafing.”
“Jack, I’m the last of my kind. I have an idiot on my ship. This idiot has also turned my ship against me by giving her frequent…stimulation. I’ve missed the Elbroitsia Lights…again, because of this turning against me. I’ve had two companions flick food at me, and one of them keeps accusing me of breaking conventions that are only conventions in human culture anyways. But my problem is my lack of underpants. IF that is a problem and IF I have a lack of underpants.” The Doctor turned on his heels again, completely done with them. “Your priorities are very off, Captain. Clean up this mess.”
And with that, the Doctor was off. Rose whistled at the magnitude of the display and Jack let out a few hacking coughs that were certainly not laughs. Well, it was nothing that would hold up in court, at any rate. “See? No underpants!”
Rose bit her lower lip, her eyes veiled in feigned innocence. “I dare you to find out.”
Jack grinned and dropped the spoon, preparing to take off running, but Rose grabbed his shirt. “What?”
“It only counts if I get to see that you’re telling the truth.”
His white teeth were nearly blinding, his grin got so big. “You’re on!” Escaping her grip, Jack dashed out of the room.