A Teaspoon And An Open Mind: A Doctor Who Fan Fiction Archive
Boys Toys 2 by spastasmagoria [Reviews - 7] Printer
Author's Notes:
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply.
Archive: Feel free, just drop me a line so I know (my ego is like that)
Beta: Beta’d by ellen and kathy.
A/N: Just some silly crack for my sister who's had a horrid day.

“What do I keep telling you? If you ignore Torchwood, they’ll go away.”

Owen sat back in his task chair, elbows on the arm rests, fingers steepled in front of him. He spun in the chair and caught the eye of his first in command. “Jack… how do you feel about a new recruit?”

Jack had been walking across the foot bridge in front of the base of the water tower, hands in pockets and a portfolio tucked under his arm. He stopped and turned around, looking at Owen’s oversized monitor. “Are you talking to those Gotham kids again?”

Unable to contain himself, the Torchwood second-in-command grinned evilly. “One of ‘em wants to defect. I figure that’d be a wounding blow to Daddy-Dearest.”

Gwen Cooper had been leaning against Toshiko’s desk. They’d been having a quiet, guilty gab about shoes until she’d overheard Owen’s fantastic plan to one-up the original dark and scary master of black ops. And do so by snatching one of his young and impressionable partners right out from beneath him. She sighed and rolled her eyes. “Don’t we have real work to be doing, gentlemen?”

Owen’s already caricature-like lips pulled back still further on his over-defined face. “Weren’t you talking about the latest style in Ugs? As in UGLIES?”

Toshiko turned back to her work and started clicking furiously through something unimportant. Gwen Cooper, former police constable and one-time lover of the odious man held her ground. “Yeah. Shoes. For a Cardiff winter. To keep my feet warm whilst I spend all my spare time traipsing through freezing puddles chasing aliens. At least I’m talking about something responsible. Not to mention PRACTICAL. Recruiting children into secret organizations? Not so much.”

Owen made a face, but Jack at least conceded the point. “Yeah. We have way too much sexual harassment in the office. Not to mention office romance,” he looked poignantly at Owen, then Gwen. “And random alien-bad-guy shagging.” He tried to glare at Toshiko, but she was still overly invested in her work. “Make sure it’s the older, hotter one that wants to join our legion of the damned.”

“Which one’s the older one? I can’t keep ‘em straight.” Owen started typing again.

Jack flashed that famous movie star grin. “God, lets hope they’re not straight. I keep forgetting how backward this century is.” He shook his head. “Which one are you talking to?”

“Robin,” his second in command reported. “Is that the hot one you’re so keen on?”

His shoulders slumped and he ignored Gwen’s annoyed glare. “Does Robin sound like name of a five-ten, one-seventy-five burning package of man-flesh to you?”

“Good point. Should I tell the kid to get lost?”

Leaning against the railing, Jack thought about it. “Naw. I wanna find out why we’re so freakin’ awesome that he’s willing to leave Gotham City and move to some place where the Justice League can’t protect him?”

The clack of Owen’s keyboard echoed over the sounds of running water in the secret underground base for a moment. Eventually, he stopped and cleared his throat. “Because we have a dinosaur.” Another long message popped up on the screen. “And track lighting, a cool car, central heating and, I quote, ‘hot alien women.’ Oh yeah, and Batman is ‘mean to him.’”

Letting out something between a groan, a moan and a sigh, Jack folded his arms across his chest. “How do you shut down a plea like that? Really? I mean, it’s just too pathetic to deal with.”

Owen started clacking away. “I can shut down a plea like that really easily. The last thing I need is Daddy-Bat on my arse because we convinced his innocent little birdy to switch secret organizations. I mean–I’m crazy. But I’m not stupid.”

Jack winced. “Don’t be too mean. He just needs a lay. However, since the Bat knows where the hub is, we are NOT going to procure for him the means of ridding himself of the burden of his virginity. But see if Nightwing’s around. We can compare car specs. I want to be sure our headlights are better than theirs.”

Marching back to her own workstation, Gwen’s trainers slagged against the grill flooring. “I will never understand you two. Do you want to shag the older one, or outdo their car?”

“Can’t a man have both?” Jack asked. Owen just shrugged indifferently.

Suddenly, Gwen had a thought. “So, what did he do to you?”

Jack arched an eyebrow. “Who do to what?”

“What did the Batman do to Jack Harkness? It has to be something. The male pissing match I can almost see, but the rest of it…?”

Trying to play at ignorance, Jack headed back toward his office. “Is it so wrong that I want a completely fit, and not to mention flexible world-class detective to join our Torchwood staff? I think he’d be a valuable asset to our organization.” He opened his office door. “And it’d really chafe daddy’s cowl.” With one last toothy grin, he closed the door behind him.

Toshiko and Gwen both glared at Owen. “Well?”

Owen hesitated. “Well, I didn’t tell you…but during the last world-ending crisis thingy, he got turned down for a shag by his dark-lordi-ness.”

Tosh tried to swallow down the laugh but it popped out anyways. “Someone in the universe was able to turn down the Jack Harkness charm?”

Jack’s door flew open and he popped his head out. “Superman wasn’t able to!”

Rubbing her hands over her face, Gwen groaned. “You didn’t.”

Grinning, Jack leaned against the doorway. “No, but he did offer me some pie. For him, that’s almost a threesome. The man loves his pie.”

Stopping her boss from going any further Gwen held up a hand. “I don’t want to know.”

“But he makes really good pie!”

Owen’s chair creaked as he rocked it slightly. “So Superman makes pie. What’s with the Batman fixation?”

“It’s not a fixation,” Jack protested from the opposite end of the Hub. “I’d have bought him dinner first!”

Gwen put her hands on her hips. “Not what I mean, Jack.”

The head of Torchwood Three looked away with a sheepishness they’d never seen from the brash American. “Well, it’s a matter of…pride, really.” He gave the smile of a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar just as dinner was being put on the table. “Wonder Woman said the Bat was better.”


“You’re not moving to Cardiff.” Batman closed down the messaging program that was taking up three-fouths of his fifty-two inch monitor.


“Because I’m Batman.” The ‘and I say so’ was simply implied.

Timmy the pathetic Boy Wonder put out the pouting Bo-Bo lip. “But they like me there! And they have a dinosaur!”

Nightwing, who happened to be the former Boy Wonder and current sane and rational party (or so he liked to think of himself) put a hand on his sorta-brother’s shoulder. “They just want you because the head of Torchwood is trying to get back at Batman.”

“That’s not true! He said he liked me!” The frown Tim was sporting bordered on a super-pout.

“Seriously. It’s the only reason they try to recruit me every other month.” Nightwing brushed his chin with a gloved hand. “Well, and my complete and utter hotness. But that can’t be helped.”

Tim’s eyes darkened and the pout drained out of the lad rather quickly. “I’m cute,” he said in all seriousness.

“You’re also under-aged,” Batman pointed out tersely without ever looking back at his two charges. “What do I keep telling you? If you ignore Torchwood, they’ll go away.”

“Yeah, well…they have a live dinosaur! And central heating! And track lighting! And a water fall!” Tim’s mouth closed, however, when he saw the way Nightwing was frowning. Kind of like he ought to shut up if he wanted to continue living “What?” Tim whispered.

Nightwing leaned closer to the Boy Wonder’s ear. “Just let it go. It’s a sensitive subject with Bruce.” He was about ready to drop it, hoping the matter was resolved, but Tim almost opened his mouth to ask another stupid question. He got a little closer to Tim’s ear, suddenly practically smashed up against it. He whispered something as quietly as humanly possible.

Tim’s head snapped up in surprise. “Wonder Woman said Jack was better?”

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