The Dead Master Sketch
or
The funny alternate to The Keeper of Traken

*******

(Ext. The Villian Shop. The TARDIS materializes in front and The Doctor comes out carrying a sack.)

(Int. The Villian Shop. Various Daleks, Sontarans, Cybermen, Yeti, etc. are all around, some in cages. The shopkeeper stands behind the counter, whistling. The Doctor comes in, startling the shopkeeper)

Doctor: Ahh. Yes. I would like to register a complaint. (no response) Ello, miss?

Shopkeeper: What do you mean, miss?

Doctor: I’m sorry, I have a cold. Anyway, I wish to register a complaint.

Shopkeeper: (nervous) Eh.... Sorry, we’re closed.

Doctor: Never mind that! (Drags something out of the bag. It is the decayed Master) I wish to complain about this Master which I bought um... (checks pocketwatch) ... not half an hour ago from this very boutiqe!

Shopkeeper: Ah, yes, the Evil Time Lord. What’s wrong with him?

Doctor: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with him. He’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with him.

Shopkeeper: No, no, no! He’s resting!

Doctor: Now, look here, old fellow! I know a dead Master when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now!

Shopkeeper: No, he’s resting, see! Remarkable villian, the Evil Time Lord. Beautiful beard of evil.

Doctor: (not impressed) The beard of evil don’t enter into it. He’s stone dead.

Shopkeeper: NoNoNoNo! He’s restin’!

Doctor: Alright. If he’s resting, I’ll wake him up. (shouting) Hello, Master! Master! I’ve got a lovely planet for you to conquer! (Shopkeeper pushes the decayed Master)

Shopkeeper: There, he moved!

Doctor: No he bloody didn’t, that was you pushing him!

Shopkeeper: It wasn’t!

Doctor: It was! (shouting and banging on the body) ‘ELLO, MASTER! WAKEY WAKEY! (throws the body up in the air; it lands limply on the ground) Now that’s what I call a dead Master.

Shopkeeper: You’ve stunned him!

Doctor: Stunned!??!??!?!?!

Shopkeeper: You stunned him just as he was waking up! Evil Time Lords stun easily, mate.

Doctor: Um...now look...now look, I've definitely 'ad enough
of this. That Master is definitely deceased, and when I
purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its
total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged
out following a prolonged devious laugh.

Shopkeeper: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the Rani.

Doctor: The Rani hasn’t even shown up in the show yet!

Shopkeeper: (Looks nervously at camera) Oh, sorry.

Doctor: (back to the point) Look, the only reason he was sitting straight up in his cage was that he had been nailed there.

Shopkeeper: Of course he was nailed there! Otherwise, he’d break out of his cage and VOOM! Chaos through the universe.

Doctor: (picks up Master’s body) Look matey, this Master wouldn’t voom if you put 4000 volts through him. He’s bleedin’ demised.

Shopkeeper: No, he’s pining!

Doctor: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! The Master is no more!
He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! He’s run straight out of regenerations! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-MASTER!!

(Long pause)

Shopkeeper: Not much else I can do.

Doctor: Do you want to come back to my place?

Shopkeeper: Nah.

Doctor: (produces a bag of sweets) Jelly baby?

Shopkeeper: Sorry, mate. I think the sketch is over.

Doctor: Oh. (starts to leave) Just as well. I have to make sure Adric isn’t getting into my stash. Bye! (looks at camera) It’s good, isn’t it. (leaves without the Master’s body)

(The shopkeeper turns around and starts cleaning behind the counter. Unbeknownst to him, the body of the Master opens his eyes and crawls towards him)

Master: A new body... at last.

(In a terrifying but cheaply done sequence, the Master takes over the body of the shopkeeper. The new, sexy Master stands tall)

Master: (singing) Oh, I’m the Master and you’ll obey
I....

(The Brigadier steps in, interrupting)

Brigadier: Right, stop that singing! It’s too silly! Now I like parodies like anyone else does, but I don’t like things getting silly. (The Master is sneaking up on him with his Tissue Compression Eliminator. Cue slow fade) In fact, I...... AAAAH!

(over starfield)
Doctor
TOM BAKER

Decayed Master
GEOFFERY BEEVERS

Shopkeeper/New Master
ANTHONY AINLEY

Brigadier
NICHOLAS COURTNEY

With thanks to the Monty Python team

Producer
ASTRID GIESE-ZIMMER
(Another hyphenated producer? Frightening.)